13 year hanging out with friends after school

Mintysally8 · 2020-09-08T16:20:07+00:00

Hi, This is my 1st post...I feel a little lost. My nearly 13 old daughter always wants to hang out with her friends and boyfriend after school till 6pm. My hubby and I told her to be home by 4pm, but she doesn't listen, got home yesterday 7pm, I got annoyed and took her phone off. Today, again she was texting me asking to stay out, I said "No" She came home by 4pm but then she was very upset and was crying her eyes out, she said that her friends are now annoyed with her for not hanging out in the park, her boyfriend fallen out with her. I tried to explain to her about peer pressure etc..hanging out with children that don't care about their education... boyfriend also attends different school, PRU school. She keeps saying her friends are so important for her, she loves them and doesn't want to lose them. My daughter always been very sweet girl, but lately she is moody, manipulative, nasty and rebellious towards my hubby and I. My question is " Am I being unreasonable for trying to stop her from socializing with her friends after school?" (English is not my 1st language, please excuse the grammar)

Infullbloom · 08/09/2020 17:25

Yes you are. What's the problem? My 12yr old has been doing this for years, OK until high school he'd come home first, change then go out but now he just stays out until dinner time.. I get a text and he's very local. Friendships are hugely important at that age. She'll end up rebelling and being secretive if you continue to treat her like a child.

QueenBlueberries · 08/09/2020 17:26

I have two teenagers and it's not easy. How about you give her permission to hang out with her friends once or twice a week, on days that you agree, and when the weather is OK (they don't want to be going indoors because of Covid). Do you know where she goes?

wishcaptainbarnaclewasmyboss · 08/09/2020 17:28

Someone will no doubt be here to comment on Covid but I won't bother!

Does she do her homework and keep up in school? Does she have a plan to do this, say after dinner, if she meets friends? Tbh, if she has a plan and takes responsibility for seeing friends and getting schoolwork done and is prepared to be responsible about other teenage situations that might arise (drugs, smoking, being her own person etc etc), I would give her a level of trust. I don't think you will achieve what you want by banning her from
Hanging out with friends after school.

QualityFeet · 08/09/2020 17:31

Friends who will dislike her if she can’t get out, a boyfriend from the PRU? She sounds vulnerable. Focus on your bonds with her, cultivate nice friendships and try to let this fade naturally.

YgritteSnow · 08/09/2020 17:37

@Infullbloom

Yes you are. What's the problem? My 12yr old has been doing this for years, OK until high school he'd come home first, change then go out but now he just stays out until dinner time.. I get a text and he's very local. Friendships are hugely important at that age. She'll end up rebelling and being secretive if you continue to treat her like a child.

Years? At age 12? I don't actually think it's that great that your child is finishing school at what 3? 3.30? and then hanging around parks or streets in his school uniform for hours until he feels like coming home. Do you even know where he is?

OP, friends are important at that age yes, but learning how to handle toxic behaviour from friends and when to walk away is just as important. I know others on here might think it perfectly normal but 12 year olds sobbing over emotionally blackmailing boyfriends is pretty worrying imvho.

sijjy · 08/09/2020 17:53

My 14yr old some times goes out straight after school. It's normally pre arranged though. His school is in a different village to where we live so he will go to a friends to get changed. Then come home later. Other than that he comes home first gets changed has tea then goes to meet his friends

sijjy · 08/09/2020 17:55

Forgot to say he has
Probably been doing this since about the age of 11 when he started secondary school.

tearinyourhand · 08/09/2020 18:02

I'm fine with my 14 year old going into town after school to Costa or whatever the coffee shop of choice is these days, or having a wander round the shops, or going to a friend's house, but no way would I be happy with her hanging out in a park. I also wouldn't be happy with her having a boyfriend, or a friendship group who are willing to drop her if she doesn't do what they ask of her.

Itsrainingnotmen · 08/09/2020 18:05

What about a compromise? Fri and Sat nights a bit later than weekdays? My dd's don't go out at 13 +14. Their choice.. My ds's were a nightmare. Especially when exh gave them no curfews...

Infullbloom · 08/09/2020 18:16

Years? At age 12? I don't actually think it's that great that your child is finishing school at what 3? 3.30? and then hanging around parks or streets in his school uniform for hours until he feels like coming home. Do you even know where he is

Of course I do. It's called playing out. He's either at the green at the end of our street or the school astro pitches behind our house. Never more than 5 minutes walk away. And it's not until he 'feels like it', it's until the time I say it's OK. It's not every day either as he has training etc and he always calls/texts at least every hour. He's earned the freedom by being being consistent with regards to keeping in touch, being home on time etc. over a long period of time. Ime it's the kids who's parents try to keep a tight reign on them who end up going off the rails. OP is already seeing the results of this in her daughters behaviour.

sijjy · 08/09/2020 19:08

I agree with you @Infullbloom my son has earned his freedom by being trustworthy and sticking to the rules.

CatsArePeopleToo · 08/09/2020 20:29

Yes you are. What is your reasoning why she can't hang out with friends?

Rollergirl11 · 08/09/2020 20:41

@Infullbloom

Years? At age 12? I don't actually think it's that great that your child is finishing school at what 3? 3.30? and then hanging around parks or streets in his school uniform for hours until he feels like coming home. Do you even know where he is

Of course I do. It's called playing out. He's either at the green at the end of our street or the school astro pitches behind our house. Never more than 5 minutes walk away. And it's not until he 'feels like it', it's until the time I say it's OK. It's not every day either as he has training etc and he always calls/texts at least every hour. He's earned the freedom by being being consistent with regards to keeping in touch, being home on time etc. over a long period of time. Ime it's the kids who's parents try to keep a tight reign on them who end up going off the rails. OP is already seeing the results of this in her daughters behaviour.

When exactly is homework done? DD(14) occasionally goes to a friends house after school (not as often as past years) or she might stop off at Costa on the way home from school with friends for an hour. But generally she’s always home by 5pm. There’s not a chance she’d be allowed out straight from school till 7pm every school night. No good can come from hanging round the park every day.

Original poster

Mintysally8 · 08/09/2020 20:41

Thank you all for your input. Yes, I agree that I have to trust her, which I do really, its just I don't like her friends. We had a chat over dinner, my hubby and I compromised and allowed her to socialize with her friends twice a week after school until 6pm (curfew time to be changed once outside gets darker)
She is academically smart, top of her class, I guess I am just not adjusted to her growing hormones and teenage behaviour.
I will just have to see how this compromise goes...
And thanks again to all for your advice and opinion. Xx

OP posts:

ScrapThatThen · 08/09/2020 21:16

How will you protect her from exposure to sexual pressure, smoking, swearing, cannabis, alcohol. If her behaviour is changing its not because you are setting too strict boundaries, it's because you are not setting enough. I think your compromise is sort of ok. But along with it I would set some expectations

that you have the logins for all her social media and check it regularly (police recommend this)
that she lives up to her own values and does not participate in vandalism, smoking or drinking
that you and she need to talk about boyfriend and how she chooses/says no to unwanted sexual contact and risk of std.
that she tells you who she is with and if found not to be true will be grounded

Personally I would keep the curfew.

CatsArePeopleToo · 09/09/2020 18:03

why you don't like her friends?
she's top of her class, you should be rewarding her, not punishing.

It sucks when parents don't appreciate good kids they have and go making trouble for no reason.