Help for depressed teen

[Sara2000]

Ive posted about DD a few times before so some of this maybe familiar. But , Dd aged 14 admitted to me at the weekend that she is self harming again and sometimes thinks of suicide,but just talks herself 'out of it'. She also said she thinks she has ADHD.

What practical things can I do to help?

I have contacted CAMHS , but I didn't find them that helpful when we first spoke to them 18 months ago. Back then I got her referred via our GP after she told me she was self harming. We saw them once and then they referred her for an ASD assessment which came back as her having autistic 'traits'. She admitted at the weekend that she had tried to kill herself at that time, although I didnt know that at the time. She had a few private counselling sessions and then told us she felt better and rather naively , I thought we had moved on.

But, shes now telling me she feels as bad, if not worse than then. She hides her feelings well, so as awful as this sounds theres part of me that wonders if shes exaggerating to get a reaction. But then again , I don't want to take any risks especially as she talks about suicide. How do you unravel how much is teen angst and over dramatising and how much is real?

She has asked me not to tell DH, which for now I have agreed to under the condition that I will have to at some point when shes ready. He tends to roll his eyes when she get all 'doom and gloom ' which she has a tendency to do. She always catastrophises and thinks the worse. Ie, When I go and meet friends she always tells me to be careful in case I crash the car.

She seems 'happy'. I have never been depressed like this, is it normal for those closest to you to miss it? She was very tearful when she told me what has been going on but claims up when I ask questions to try and work out how serious this is. Should I hold off on the questions?

I am taking her to and from school at the moment which is a chance to talk. Not that she often does. I am also getting her out for dog walks everyday. She has spent the last 5 months mostly in her room avoiding social contact. Now, shes back ar school which I am hoping will help. But she hates school and always has done. I have agreed not to involve the school , because to be honest they weren't helpful last time. They offered no help at all. Just said they would let all her teachers know that she wasnt allowed to go to the loo in class time in case she SH in the toilet! And told me to hide all the scissors in the house.. No counselling or pastoral care offered.

I am thinking of getting her out more as well. Her whole social life is online.

Should I get a private psychiatrist assessment done?

Dd thinks she has ADHD. I dont know about that , but she certainly may have something. She's always struggled socially , very sensitive to others feelings , sensory issues paired with constant complaints of achey joints. Should I pursue a diagnosis or try and deal with the depression first?
As you can see , I am awake in the early hours. If you have been through this and didnt have anyone in real life you could speak to, where God you get help? I am so worried I am going to walk in her room and find her dead. I cant get my head round where it must have gone wrong.

Thank you. I feel much better as I've spoken to DH. He noticed I was stressed and I broke down crying. He suggested that we tell DD that he knows she is upset but doesnt know any more. That seems to have worked well. Still waiting to hear from CAMHs. Dd seems on the face of it to be better although she cut her arm again tonight. I hide my feelings in front of her and calmly apply the antibac cream and chat through her day. It's just the early hours that get me as I am a worrier by nature.

More families than you realise have gone through similar and come out the other side, it can be a long road so look after yourself too and keep reaching out like you have done. I would suggest keep arming yourself with advice and support, the wait for help can seem ages but there is advice out there that might help in the meantime, e.g. books on CBT for teenagers/anxiety and worry strategies, not all will work for your and your child but some of the ideas might strike a chord. I have found lots of ideas from facebook groups like the massive ASD/Aspergers parents one.

Wow. You are dating with this amazingly and being a brilliant mum maybe you need some time off work to help you through this difficult time. Maybe see the GP regarding yourself.

I work closely with teenagers in a school capacity. Many teenagers with ASD/ADHD struggle with anxiety and the social side of school as they get older. Not fitting in, not understanding why etc is exhausting for them emotionally. Some schools do their best to support, some push it back on families and GPs, some do provide a separate provision. A lot of school refusers are on the spectrum.

Ultimately her mental wellness is paramount and unless school can offer a safe space/ a support plan from the SENCO than I would suggest she needs to continue working from home.

My DD has just been discharged from CAMHS. She took an overdose in February. Your daughter is doing well in being able to talk to you about her self harming, please see that as a positive factor.

When my DD was seen by the crisis worker in hospital, he advised me to watch for her mood dropping, and scoop her up, take her out, watch a film, just go and sit with her. I’ve really put this into practice.

She has completed a low mood course, it’s not counselling, more giving her the tools to cope with the low mood. Going to see how she goes and will look at counselling if she feels she needs it.

I would advise to lock all medication away, and check her drawers etc when she is out of the house. I haven’t removed all sharps, there is a razor in the bathroom, but have hidden the sharp knives. I think it’s about knowing your child and trying to keep some level of normality, whatever that is.

As a mum, I totally understand the way you are feeling. The worry, heart pounding, not sleeping properly. I’m glad you’ve spoken to your husband, you definitely need support.

I'm sorry to hear that @Coffeeshopgirl. I have joined a thread under mental health so not been on this one for a while. I have hidden the razors, nail clippers etc. Dd was using a cardboard envelope to cut herself with which I removed. She then used her nails and the scab looks like a burn. . We have spoken to CamHS and been referred to tier 3.

Have also been through this. Dd is now 23 and although she has been told that her mental health might always be a problem (co-morbid with another condition in her case), she is stable, she is on medication and able to handle her own ups and owns (with occasional late-night phone calls home), she is living away from home and doing the training she always dreamt of, she is hopeful about the future.

But I do remember those years and how exhausting they were. to you, OP.

A few things stand out that helped us to get through:

having dh on my side definitely.
(You both seem to have handled this very tactfully, which is good. Your dh's self control and good sense will make a massive difference. Dd's dad was also very good, but I remember her being terrified of her grandfather finding out, because she couldn't handle his upset.)

*a safe activity we could do together
(In those days we watched David Suchet's Poirot every time dd got stressed. Again and again. Curled up on the sofa together)

*a safe activity for her
(She had a fine collection of adult colouring books and still does)

*a safe topic of conversation to help her de-stress
(when dd feels rough, she rings me and we talk about the theatre which is her great passion)

*the gradual acceptance that MH issues are as normal and natural as pneumonia or a broken leg or a hundred other unpleasant and debilitating but not unspeakable things that can happen to you

*gradually accepting that there was only so much we could do- engaging with treatment and living with the pain was something dd had to do; all we could do was to provide a safe space

*trying to keep her environment moderately safe rather than totally safe. We kept medications locked up after she had taken an overdose, but did not keep every possible danger out of reach (we live 5 minutes from a well-known suicide spot so knew this was never going to be possible). What we were trying to do was to help to protect her from sudden impulses.

*I had interests which helped to distract me- this was really essential!

All best wishes to you and your dd, OP. You can get through this!

Hello, I sympathize. My daughter was self harming last year. GP made urgent referral to camhs. Camhs offered drugs ( she was 13) but waiting list for therapy. We tried Prozac, made her sleepy, and setraline, actually worked but gave her serious muscular spasms. Stopped drugs. Also paid for private pyschologist (60 a session) which definitely helped. She has now a year later reached the top of the camhs list and is now getting therapy. She still hates school. She is better than she was. It's hard and exhausting trying to help her. I have good days and bad days. I'd quite like a parents support group as some days I don't know what to do for the best. Last year I felt she was verging on eating disorder. This year she is eating better although still anaemic. I think it's a long road. I think you're husband needs to know as you need to support each other. I'm divorced. I miss having a partner to talk to about her although her father is aware and broadly supportive. You just have to do your best, keep channels of communication open with daughter and think about who is supporting you. Fingers crossed today you have a better day

@Patchmum. Come over to the 'Parents of anxious teens' support thread.

I sympathise and relate to a lot of this stuff. @corythatwas - your post is very helpful, thank you. My DD is 13, self harmed, overdosed, hates school. Very anxious. We started assessment for ASD / ADHD.

I wish we could find an activity to do together, so far she is refusing everything, wants to be left 'alone' with her phone / social media which is not helping. We're communicating a little better than before but not well.

I think the key criteria of happiness for my DD is that she is listened to, that she is heard and understood. But providing this understanding and listening when communication is so poor is megahard (sometimes impossible).

I'm having a really bad day today and just don't feel I can handle it at all

and big hugs, SecretOfChange

It is so exhausting, isn't it? Like a constant weight. I hope the assessment gives some ideas of potential support.

What I can say is that it has got easier- not only because dd is better these days, but because she's grown up. Not that I love her any the less or would suffer any the less if something happened to her, but I no longer carry that terrible burden of responsibility, of thinking that I have to get things right. These days, I offer support but it's dd who has the responsibility. And that happened gradually as she got more mature.