DS 14, is in ‘love’ with a girl he’s never met

[CidleyDidley]

Any thoughts on this tricky situation would be gratefully received.

My DS, 14, met his BFF’s cousin online whilst gaming in January this year. She lives 2 hours away so very little chance of them meeting. They secretly become girlfriend & boyfriend, both knowing that the BFF wouldn’t be happy, especially as the two cousins are particularly close. (And I don’t blame him, DS has broken a boy code.)
The girlfriend has been near suicidal this year after a close friend of hers committed suicide last year. She has over shared with both boys and has worried and upset them both.

I asked my son to distance himself from the girl, initially for the sake of his BFF friendship, and he agreed to. But he lied to us; deleting his call and message history from his phone. He forgot about the bill and we can see he often messages her 30 times per day, calls her several time’s. Then there’s Snapchat, FaceTime, etc.

DS believes he helps her, they love one another, he loves her family.... he’s never met them! Apparently she hasn’t self harmed since he’s been in her life.

During one of our many recent rows about this girl, DS told me that he had tried to hang himself in his bedroom just before Xmas, and that this girl makes him happy and he won’t try it again while they’re together. Seriously, WTF!

I feel like I don’t know him anymore. He wants to meet her soon.
I don’t seem to be able to make a decision about what to do about it all.

Help!

Leave them alone, your interest in this is over the top.

DS told me that he had tried to hang himself in his bedroom just before Xmas,

Take steps to have his mental health assessed. So on Monday morning make an appointment with the relevant service on (sorry I’m not in the uk so I don’t know the procedure).

Think clearly- he’s either really suicidal and therefore needs immediate help.
OR
He’s manipulating you with suicide talk.

Don’t just gloss over it. If you don’t address it he will raise it every time he wants his way.

I think intense romances at this age a pretty normal and ok.

However the implication that your son is keeping this girl mentally well would worry me, as would his saying he had tried to hang himself.

Suggest focusing on keeping the lines of communication open, not throwing them together Romeo and Juliet style, and also looking to specific advice on how to handle this e.g
Samaritans or Young Minds.

I wonder if it will fizzle out face to face. These kind of geographically remote emotionally intense mental health related borderline emotionally abusive teen relationships are sadly pretty much the mainstream norm now I think.
Stake your boundaries about meeting, calling, use of phone and messaging, doing extra curriculars, seeing friends in real life, not lying, give messages about wanting him to be safe happy protected and secure, and work through this with him.

He needs mental health support ASAP. I'm a bit baffled your issue is a perfectly normal teen 'relationship' and not the fact he tried to take his own life

Thank you all.

I am contacting our GP the minute he goes back to school, so I can talk frankly with GP without DS listening in. I don’t believe he is or has been suicidal but equally can’t believe he’d be so manipulative; neither actions are like him.

I hope it will fizzle out once they meet. Also, the GF’s mum is a GP and I’m hoping she’ll try and put a stop to it when I tell her (I believe she needs to know) about this suicide ‘attempt’. She surely can’t risk another of her daughters friends dying?

I’m usually so chilled about his friendships, but something about this is wayyyy OFF. I feel like they egg each other on.

I echo previous posters about the relative gravity of an intense teen relationship and the suicide risk/threats floating around. Why are you waiting days to contact mh support for your son or the ‘gf’s mum? Go and phone from the car if your son is omnipresent; phone and get an urgent referral from CAMHs (tho it will take months to grind into action-if £ possible, google local therapists who work with young people). I wonder if, presented with evidence that you are taking this seriously, your son might shuffle his feet and say the suicide ideas weren’t real..?

Certainly, the girl’s mum should know now. Why not allow contact, within public, agreed boundaries? They can message in the morning and evening, but not endlessly. Better yet let them talk and probably the relationship will bore itself into oblivion in the sunlight of publicity.

I’m delaying for a few reasons:

Not telling GF’s mum as they are on holiday at the moment. Never mind the fact that when I tell GF’s mum the possibility of it getting back to the BFF is real and then possibly onto other school friends. Which I don’t particularly want.

I offered, months ago, to drive him the 2 hours to see her. It is the BFF that isn’t happy about them actually meeting in person. But I’m beyond the BFF’s feelings and their friendship.

I’ve not told GP yet as I don’t believe it’s ‘real’ and I want to be clear headed when I talk to him.