Anxiety with DD

[summersolstice43]

This is going to be a long one so apologies now:
My DD is 15, has gone back to school this week and broke down this morning in tears saying how stressed she is about going back to school and is feeling very anxious too but cant explain why. I've emailed the school and spoke to her tutor who has reassured me he will speak to her about it. I heard no more so messaged her father to give him the heads up. Me and her father haven't been together since she was a toddler so he's got her tonight until next week. He's kicked right off, threatening and basically being a dick about everything saying why am I just telling him now and he knows the score etc.

For a bit of background, he has 2 weeks off over the summer holidays where he had her the whole 2 weeks, they went for a few day trips but that was it. Then I had 2 weeks off and we went away on holiday, the day after we got back (I'm still on holiday btw) he demanded to see her, I said no as I was still off and I didn't demand to see her while he had her. So the messages today he's been kicking off about that too.

I'm already upset and very emotional as I just want o protect my daughter, I now feel even worse and worried he's going to take it out on her when he picks her up. He's never interested in anything to do with her as I do all the parenting really and she's never been that bothered about going over there until he plays the guilt trip

How am I supposed to support her and help her with everything if he;s doing stupid stuff like that? I've told him to grow up but he's turning it all around onto me. Any ideas from anyone whos been in a similar situation?

Hi, I don’t know if I have much helpful to add but hopefully it might give you a little bump.

I think DD feeling anxious about school is perfectly understandable, she has been away for so long and there will be so many safeguards and stresses in place on her return it is bound to be a strange and unsettling time, hopefully her tutor can reassure her.

With her Dad, that is different, she doesn’t have to see him now, I don’t think, unless she wants to, can you help her to see that she is the prize, her feelings are worthwhile, he needs her at least as much as she needs him, their relationship now could maybe be a bit more equal (I was a young adult when my parents separated and did still bother with my previously quite controlling Dad but I realised that I could walk away, which my brother did for a long time, and dad had kind of forfeited the child-parent loyalty by behaving like an asshole).

You sound really lovely but just try to shrug off his asshole approach and show your daughter he doesn’t get to you, you both need to separate from him (probably you even more than your girl as she is 15). I think you and your daughter will have a lovely supportive relationship and just eye-roll about Dad and his dickish behaviour.

I think Lockdown has an awful lot to answer for and there will be stories of all sorts emerging as a result.

Once she gets back into the swing of going to school and has other things to occupy her mind she will be fine I am sure.

Thank you for your advice and support.
I spoke to my DD last night and she said her father had spoken to her about how she's feeling but he was OK and never mentioned the argument with me so that was a huge relief.
She knows she doesn't have to see him but he's very manipulative and uses her little brother as blackmail saying he misses her and keeps asking for her but he thinks this is OK behaviour and my DD feels shes in the wrong staying away.

This whole thing is bad enough for the kids and I just want her to be OK. I will sit down and talk to her so she knows she doesnt have to go over there if she doesn't want to. Thanks again.