Inappropriate Behaviour.

[Wolvowoo]

My son is 16 and with the easing of lockdown started going running with his 14 year old close relative . We live close to this relative who has grown up with all of my children same schools and childcare etc though the years. One evening my son led the running into a park and apparently looked around and when seen no-one around asked this relative for sex. She said no and they ran back home. Once home she told her parents and I asked him what happened. . She was understandably severley affected by the situation she got counselling via an NHS helpline and her outcome was that this was a safeguarding issue as this was pre meditated and the counseller had a duty to report the incident although haven't heard anything yet from the police or social services What I am really struggling with is the fact my son did this in the first place! I remember how affected I was growing up with inappropriate behaviour from boys and men. I look at her and him and feel disgusted with him that he could have done that. My relationship with him has changed he often says he knows I hate and I say don't let one incident define him but I can't help thinking back to what I put up with from other males and how it still affects me today and how our poor relative feels. He is very upset and has been in his room since and has lost alot of weight as he isn't eating properly.I also have a young daughter myself and know how i would feel if a male did this to her Just don't know how to move forward.

You need to get him professional help as soon as possible.

Has he spoken to anyone?

So he asked and she said no. I think you can talk to him about why it was inappropriate beaause he may not see why it is. It doesn,t seem like any "abuse " happened. Perhaps he genuinly thought she would be interested? What is he upset about? The fact he is been villified? Does he feal guilty? Is he upset he was rebuked? Is he confused about how he feals measured up to what is right and wrong?

Does he know that he did something wrong? I would hope he can see this and can learn from this. But he's not a monster. Perhaps if you can talk more to him it can help you both get past it. I don't think shame is the way forward, but try to see it from a 16 year old boys point of view and help him to learn from this and forgive himself. You are identifying with the victim, completely understandably. Sorry for what you went through in the past which has obviously affected you.

I paid for him to have private counselling over zoom. The counsellor said that he realises he made a mistake and that he seems to have misread situations in the past and has some sort of social anxiety. I dont know exactly was discussed as it was private conversation but when I had a debrief the counsellor said nothing to worry about its a mistake and he knows this. I think he is withdrawing from me because even though I put on a brave face he knows how I really feel.

Perhaps you need to do counseeling together?

I had a family member ask me for sex when I was 14 and he was 17 and it upset me quite a lot. I understand others saying nothing actually happened, and nothing actually happened in my case either but someone who is close family and who you've always felt comfortable around sees you as a potential sexual partner and ours you in that position is comfortable at any age, let alone when you're only 14.

I always questioned in the back of my head if other male family members were planning and wanting the same and avoided being in my own with them from that point.

What is going on with your relationship with the other family members? Have they disowned your son? Do you speak to them at all?

Yes @VandalisedVegetables I'm with you so struggling with this unconditional love a mother is supposed to have for their son when thoughts like that are on my head all the time. He hasn't been disowned but has missed lots of family get togethers as not appropriate he attends as he knows this and stays at home. His younger brother doesn't talk to him. I think these are reasons why he is so upset and the shame he feels about acting in this way or maybe it's because he got caught? Weve had lots of tears and he takes full responsibility for everything. Joint counselling is a good idea.

This sounds completely over the top cruel behaviour towards your son. For god sake ! He is 16 and made a mistake by misjudging signals. Nothing came if it. He is being treated like a monster and a pariah by those who should love him most.

Your son needs some love. Tread very carefully. Sad lonely teenage boys do some pretty unpleasant things to themselves when filled with self loathing.. and this poor boy has not only that but the rest of his family loathing him too.

Has there ever been any concerns about your sons behaviour previously? Have any issues been raised by school? Has he had girlfriends or sexual experience in the past?

What a desperately sad situation.

If your son is genuinely contrite, has apologised, and understands the impact that this had on the girl; and his counsellor agrees that it was a misjudgement perhaps family need to try and let it go.

One the other hand I understand that this will have had a fairly profound effect on his cousin (I assume) it’s a cousin.

Have you had a chance to talk it through with her parents so that they know you have taken steps to address it and that you understand the impact on their daughter?

Your son can’t be ostracised from the family for ever based on what is essentially a teenage misjudgment.

It sounds like both children have difficulties with MH.

What your son did was immature and misjudged. But from what you posted he asked for sex and when told no left it? No abuse? Very misjudged questioning.

But also the 14yo being so affected they needed councilling? I'm assuming he just said "shall we have sex" and she said no from your post?
Again she can feel like he acted inappropriately - because he did but it doesn't like like she was in danger?

Chat to your son about handling relationships appropriately and reading the signs etc.

But don't treat him as an abuser and leave him to get damaged.

I think that your son probably felt his hormones and, like most males i know, thought that the female relative would probably feel the same. So he broached the subject and his advances were declined.

I get that she was traumatised. She’s young and he should not be asking a minor. He was completely out of order. But I’m glad she had the strength to say no. That she didn’t feel obliged to say yes.

And also that he didnt try anything without her permission. However he is being treated as though he did. As though he tried it in with her and she slapped his hand away. Or he raped her.
Seriously, if he had would he be treated any worse? He’s being treated like a rapist by everyone. While there needs to be consequences as his error was serious, this treatment is a step too far.

His own mother despised him. His family have rejected him. He no longer feels any family love at all and is losing weight.

It seems like an extreme response. Yes he should have had a bollocking for it as she is under age and he was totally wrong and inappropriate. But not the extent his is an outcast.

His own mother should be putting the rest of the family right. Telling them that she abhors his behaviour that day and he has had a good talking to and counselling and understands what he did wrong but he is still a part of this family and he will never ever make this mistake again and has apologised and attended sessions to understand why his behaviour was wrong and is still part of this family and will be attending future family events with you.

Perhaps you need counselling too to get over this as it’s obviously very upsetting. But it’s not the end of the world.

his 14 year old close relative How close?

asked this relative for sex Is that definitely all he did?

Context is king. If this is a cousin and he was in no way coercive then I agree with most PPs that he has learnt a really important lesson which will stay with him, but it's important to show him you love him and teach him the empathy that he was missing.

If this is a half-sibling or there was coersion it would explain the reaction.

Whatever the details, you are his mum, it's your job to bring him up the right way. You don't get to write him off at 16. I know from personal experience the difficulty in being positive to a child when their behaviour is awful- fake it 'til you make it; it has to be done.

Thanks everyone with them both due back at the same school soon and with them due to see each other for the first time since the incident the adults of those involved have got together. I'm still trying to get my head round it all and feel as someone said I am faking it until I make it with my son not letting this incident define him. Found it hard this weekend with lots of threads on mumsnet about daughters and unwanted attention from males hence my post. They are Not siblings but were very close and are related.