DD13 inappropriate texts dilemma

[MrsRusselBrand]

My DD is 13 and we have a brilliant relationship , it's only the two of us and are very close . During lockdown and very recently during a week away she has been glued to her phone , she uses Snapchat , insta and tik tok. She has been chatting to a boy ( purely online and via tik tok - he lives far away so defo not meeting in rl) and I have read the messages and they are flirty in nature . Actually more than flirty - she used the phrase "rail me " ... I had to google this and it means rough sex from what I can gather . She hasn't even had a boyfriend or her first kiss ??!? What also worries me is that she is telling lies , she is faking self harming ( I 100% know she is not and has never self harmed ) , I think it's likely for attention .

What do I do ?? Do I tell her I have read her phone and speak to her about what I have read , explain to her that I want to trust her but she clearly doesn't have the emotional maturity to be trusted with a phone or on social media ?? If I hadn't read her phone I would be none the wiser - is this 'normal' teenage behaviour ?? I do check her snapchat and lots of her peers seem to do similar , often referring to breakdowns , mental health issues and I do also seem some references to films like 365 days etc !!!

Please help - she is an only child so I have no experience of how to deal with this !

I'd have a stern talk with her about the risks of sexual talk and oversharing on social media. And the dangers of men. That these people will potentially try to hurt and take advantage of her. And that she is not only sexualising herself, but also,other young girls by speaking to people this way. That she is not a piece of meat for boys amusement and that she needs to have more respect for herself. Because talking to a boy like that doesnt earn respect. It just makes her look an easy target.

I would explain to her that if she cant behave herself online/via text then the internet will be disconnected and her phone confiscated.
But that you dont want to treat her like a child so you're giving her a chance to prove she can be responsible. That you hope she educates herself and sorts her shit out because this behaviour is not on. And that making up self harm is not cool, not cool at all.

@Bunnymumy thank you for your honest response , I did speak to her last night . Let's hope she is now open and honest with me, now I have laid down very clear ground rules . Apparently, she pretended she self harmed because he does and she didn't want him to feel bad for it . I explained that's not the way to support someone who self harms . It just shows you that at 13 they lack the maturity to deal with these issues

I would also add that any message she commits to text or photo can be shared instantly, if she falls out with the boy or his friend gets the phone then it can be out for everyone to see.

My children's secondary school do a big year 7 assembly usually because lots of children have been given mobile phones at this stage. They ask them how they would feel about having any text message/photo sent on social media up on the board at the front of assembly? They say any message you send or photo can simply be shared and it can be round school in about 10 minutes with all the connections children have.

If the message is sexual in any way it may also be seen by a parent, who in turn reports it to school, that means that at least one teacher who is part of the safeguarding team sees it and has to write a report. It may then go onto being shared with the police or social services. It does apparently scare the shit out of the kids and rightly so.