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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Thinking about ignoring my teen when he wants to talk to me ...

25 replies

Chicchicchicchiclana · 29/08/2020 20:33

... because he tuts, huffs or leaves the room when I want to talk to him.

Is this wrong?

I've had it up to the eyeballs with being relaxed and open at all hours. If he can't be civil to me why should I be civil to him?

Surely the tough love approach works sometimes?

OP posts:
yeOldeTrout · 29/08/2020 20:39

You've got to model to him the right behaviour even if he's an undeserving prat (sorry).* Always listen if you can. You can look back & say you did right however things turn out - will make you feel much better and able to let go when they make bad decisions.

*down the line, when he's a bit more mature, you'll have scope to point out that you always listened even when it was inconvenient & he was prattling on about boring uninteresting things. You can turn this into leverage, eventually.

Wolfiefan · 29/08/2020 20:42

Wow.
YAB so U
A parent doesn’t ignore their child to teach them a lesson. They model good behaviour and ensure consequences are clear for poor behaviour.

unmarkedbythat · 29/08/2020 20:43

That would be a bit daft.

lesleyw1953 · 29/08/2020 20:49

That would be the consequences of poor behaviour. Madness to send the message that however rude and obnoxious you are everyone will still be sweetness and light to you! How many dreadful men are complained of on mn who have taken that on board from their mother as the way to treat women?

Original poster
Chicchicchicchiclana · 29/08/2020 20:53

I've modelled good behaviour to my son for very nearly 17 years Wofie. Do I just keep on modelling good behaviour forever? What if he wants to be treated like an adult but doesn't behave like an adult in terms of consideration for other people?

OP posts:
chergar · 29/08/2020 20:55

No no no, don't ever turn your children away when they want to speak to you, regardless of their age. If your child comes to you you listen, they could be trying to tell you something very important ( to them)

I'm actually incredulous at this attitude and am hoping you are trying to be funny.

Pipandmum · 29/08/2020 21:00

Yes, you are his parent until you die. You listen whenever you can. For goodness sake you sound like the moody teenager here - it's not tit for tat. I know teenagers can drive you mad (I have a 17 year old and 15 year old). But their brains are not mature - they may look like adults but they are still learning how to act like one. Show them how to do it the right way. Missing that one talk could mean you will soon miss them all.

Original poster
Chicchicchicchiclana · 29/08/2020 21:02

No, I'm deadly serious.

It's all to do with whether you will allow people to treat you badly. I don't have much I can do to my teenage son to make him understand how it feels when he shuts me up or walks away, other than to "model" that behaviour back at him.

What other consequences are there?

OP posts:
Eckhart · 29/08/2020 21:02

That's not tough love. Tough love would be to give him a consequence for being rude to you, and following through.

What you're talking about is behaving in a way that demonstrates to him that ignoring somebody is a) an ok thing for an adult to do and b) a method to get your own back or get your own way.

ssd · 29/08/2020 21:02

Tempting.

But nah. You'll only feel guilty when he's unexpectedly nice.

HaveYouSeenMyFriendKimberley · 29/08/2020 21:03

I don't think ignoring someone wanting to speak is ever fair and it's daft with a teen when communication can become quite sparse!

However I would have no qualms in saying how I felt tutting or eye rolling was rude and unpleasant. Followed by the hard stare

Noone should get a free pass to be obnoxious in my book.

At the same time I would also apologise if I was short tempered or plain wrong about something. That's my "modelling" as I just am not the world's most patient person, sadly.

Original poster
Chicchicchicchiclana · 29/08/2020 21:05

Eckhart if you can give me a good consequence then I'm willing to listen.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 29/08/2020 21:08

You're telling me you're not willing to listen to me unless I can solve your problem?

I think I can see why your son is having communication issues.

GammyLeg · 29/08/2020 21:12

That’s a very PA thing to do. Just be the adult, grit your teeth and assume he’ll grow up one day and realise what an arsey teen he was.

LauraMipsum · 29/08/2020 21:19

I think YABU to ignore him, but would be entirely reasonable, when he next tries to talk to you, to say directly to him "I'm not sure I want to talk right now. I'm still feeling very hurt and upset after you [insert rude behaviour] [this morning / last night] and I would appreciate an apology."

HotSauceCommittee · 29/08/2020 21:21

Please don't. We nearly lost our boy through my walking away when faced with aggression/I felt I couldn't cope.
Somehow, we did the broken record thing, and years later, it appears it's gone in.
When it is hardest to love them is the time when they need love the most.
I am quite a hotheaded person and had just about had it with my teen boy, but one turning point stands out for me: he was refusing to go to school when he was 14/15 and I insisted he did, saying I would physically (no chance) drag him there if he didn't get his uniform on and get in the car with me.
He did so, and during the course of the short journey there, shouted at me, told me that he fucking hated me and that I was the worst fucking bitch in the world.
For once, instead of feeling angry and "retaliating", I slumped my shoulders and said (in response to "I fucking hate you, you bitch"), "Well, I love you son".
He left the car, went to school, came home and told DH that he felt terrible that he'd said lol of these awful things to me and where was I so he could apologise?
I was on a 10 hour late shift and unavailable until the next day after work.
He had thinking time and I was unavailable.
We turned a small corner after that x

HotSauceCommittee · 29/08/2020 21:25

Consequences and punishments didn't work with our boy. Setting an example and showing him the right way (like a fucking broken record-I bored the arse off myself) seems to have done the trick so far. We didn't know what we were doing, we were fire fighting and blindly going from one situation to another, but we knew there was a good person somewhere in that defiant, defensive, frightened teenager.

Serenschintte · 29/08/2020 21:25

I think it sort of depends. I wouldn’t ignore my teen. But I would tell him (and have) when he is rude to me. Especially over a period of time - weeks.
Often there is something going in unrelated to our relationship - stress at school, friends, what ever is going on
I have got his Dad to talk to him when he has been particularly bad.
Good luck, the teen years are painful. And long

HotSauceCommittee · 29/08/2020 21:27

Car journeys.
Teens need different parenting and giving lifts, one on one is invaluable. No eye contact, time for casual chat and things to come out in a calm, by the by, way.

chergar · 29/08/2020 21:27

What do you want to talk to him about?
Is it general "how was your day" "what do you want for tea" stuff or is it more moaning at him for his room being a mess, dirty laundry, pouring your heart out problems?

Is it just the two of you in the house?

HotSauceCommittee · 29/08/2020 21:29

Just start talking to him about nothing.

joystir59 · 29/08/2020 21:30

Once he is 18 you don't have to put up with his disrespect, you can kick him.out to fend for himself.

Branleuse · 29/08/2020 21:32

However tempting, its a bad idea

Notredamn · 29/08/2020 21:35

Childish mindset.
He's a teenager, you're not.

RosiePosie15 · 29/08/2020 22:33

I wouldn’t do that. What happens if you ignore him and he needs to speak to you about something serious/important?

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