Am i being too relaxed with my DS?

grecoqueen23 · 2020-08-28T21:49:22+00:00

over the latter part of the pandemic i have been left wondering if i have been too relaxed on discipline with my DS (17) in the past years. for reference when i was his age i was, as my parents would call it, a complete nightmare, i used to sneak out and go clubbing in hollywood (am a LA native) and dropped out of high school. i have a tendency to excuse slight lapses in behaviour as on the whole hes an innocent kid whos a good person and lets be real i know he could do/be much worse from personal experience. however he said i was the "chillest Mom" in his friend group and it got me thinking, am i being too relaxed or is my parenting fine as it is? its probably just standard worrying but i was just interested in a new perspective.

BarefootHippieChick · 28/08/2020 23:04

I'm a pretty chill parent. I'm only strict on things I consider important, like knowing where teenage dds are and that they're safe, in touch, not out late when it's dark etc. With schoolwork, apart from occasional nagging, I leave them to get on with it. They know their own homework, deadlines etc and the importance of working hard to achieve their goals. A lot of their friends complain about how strict their parents are, even down to choosing what clothes they wear etc.

Also, I was out clubbing and boozing at 16, back in the days when no one ever asked your age 😁

Original poster

grecoqueen23 · 28/08/2020 23:16

@BarefootHippieChick

I'm a pretty chill parent. I'm only strict on things I consider important, like knowing where teenage dds are and that they're safe, in touch, not out late when it's dark etc. With schoolwork, apart from occasional nagging, I leave them to get on with it. They know their own homework, deadlines etc and the importance of working hard to achieve their goals. A lot of their friends complain about how strict their parents are, even down to choosing what clothes they wear etc.

Also, I was out clubbing and boozing at 16, back in the days when no one ever asked your age 😁

Ah, those were the days, honestly i dont think that my DS would know a nightclub even if he was in one!, he once came home crying from a party claiming that he had been pressured into buying weed until i informed him that: A- weed isnt red B- he had been sold a sandwich bag filled with smoked paprika.

And they say the teens nowadays have lost their innocence too early!

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 28/08/2020 23:21

What is it that your ds is doing that you're chilled about? Hard to say whether you're too relaxed or not as we don't know what he's like.

I'm very easy going as a parent, but frankly, I can afford to be because my teenage dd is a flipping angel. If she was a different kid, I'd have to be a different parent.

happyrage20 · 28/08/2020 23:33

Yes, I think it's all relative to your teenager. I can't be the chilled mom I wanted to be. My teenager is crazy and has no sense whatsoever. My friends that love saying oh you are so strict etc have kids that do schoolwork willingly, hang out with sensible friends. Sadly my teenager needs rules and if I give an inch they take a mile. Bring back the toddler days....

Original poster

grecoqueen23 · 28/08/2020 23:36

Not much, he sneaked out a couple of times pre-covid which i was fine on the whole with as i know his friends are not the kind of people to do anything too dumb. and one time he threw a party while i was away visiting my parents ( i have one of those electronic doorbells) and i had to give him the combination lock to the drinks cabinet. i normally let him have parties at our house as i like to see him socialise and as long as they arent doing any hard drugs or are going into any areas of the house that arent public spaces or his bedroom or the guest room im fine with it and sometimes i might join in on the festivities if im in the mood. before covid i did like the fact that all my children liked to be sociable and have fun and as i said again hes the most innocent and naive kid i know. @AlexaShutUp

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Pomegranatemolasses · 28/08/2020 23:44

@grecoqueen23

Not much, he sneaked out a couple of times pre-covid which i was fine on the whole with as i know his friends are not the kind of people to do anything too dumb. and one time he threw a party while i was away visiting my parents ( i have one of those electronic doorbells) and i had to give him the combination lock to the drinks cabinet. i normally let him have parties at our house as i like to see him socialise and as long as they arent doing any hard drugs or are going into any areas of the house that arent public spaces or his bedroom or the guest room im fine with it and sometimes i might join in on the festivities if im in the mood. before covid i did like the fact that all my children liked to be sociable and have fun and as i said again hes the most innocent and naive kid i know. *@AlexaShutUp*

Why would you give him the combination lock to your drinks cabinet when you were away? You're happy with him doing drugs as long as they're not hard drugs? Sometimes you 'join in on the festivities' if you're in the mood?

Honestly I wouldn't be doing any of that stuff with my 17 year old.

OhTheRoses · 28/08/2020 23:49

Yes. Far too relaxed. If the thread is true.

AHippoNamedBooBooButt · 28/08/2020 23:54

Dd(16) says her friends are always envious of how chilled I am compared to their parents. I know i am relaxed over many things, I was quite a rebellious teenager (right down to being a teenage mum!) And figured my dc can't rebel if I agree to it all (and as I tell my dd there is not a lot she can do to shock me as I've probably already done it myself). Obviously there are lines they do not cross, but I always explain why I have these non-negotiables. The main one being no drugs, no legal highs, and no smoking. I give valid reasons for these as opposed to just saying no and they respect that.

Wbeezer · 29/08/2020 00:04

Actually i think you are being a bit lax, the combination of laxness and a naive young person is dangerous as I know to my cost.
I am stricter than you generally (but not as strict as my parents were) i try not to sweat the small stuff etc. Let DSs have the occassional beer once 16 etc. I thought i knew all DSs(16)friends and their parents, we live in a pleasant village, but i didnt know all the friends of friends unfortunately and one of them persuaded DS and a another friend to try LSD, his first experiment with anything! He naively thought it would be fun but he had no idea of dosage etc. And took too much. First I knew of it he was brought home in a police van handcuffed. My "sweet naive" boy now has a recorded police warning for breach of the peace that will stay on his record for two years.
I wish I had put the fear of God into him a bit more, it may have made him hesitate.
It sounds like your son already has little fear of repercussions if he pushes boundaries like having parties.
Being nice, living in a safe area, having nice friends is not enough to protect them from adolescent stupidity and temptation unfortunately. You do not want to have an experience like we did it was truly frightening.

Wbeezer · 29/08/2020 00:10

I forgot to add that i often used my parents boundaries to avoid doing things that i didnt feel ready for or that i judged a bit risky, when peer pressure set in a curfew or rules about checking in got me out of situations without losing to much face.

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/08/2020 00:17

I am a really relaxed parent, but not relaxed enough to believe this shit.

Original poster

grecoqueen23 · 29/08/2020 00:18

Why would you give him the combination lock to your drinks cabinet when you were away? You're happy with him doing drugs as long as they're not hard drugs? Sometimes you 'join in on the festivities' if you're in the mood?

Honestly I wouldn't be doing any of that stuff with my 17 year old
@Pomegranatemolasses

A- he let me see the size of the party and i honestly didnt think it would go beyond that, everyone was sensible and no harm was done. hes a pretty responsible kid who is, lets be real pretty neurotic. I know it wouldnt go past a certain point and no party at my house ever has.

B i come from Southern California and before i moved to the uk 10 years ago was a pretty regular weed smoker and i still carry a medical liscence my general rule with anyting like this is to do it in the garden and dont let me see it. i know it will happen regardless so at leats it done in a way thats safe and keeps it fun and respectful.

c yes i will sometimes joi the party for a while just to check in and maybe grab a drink and fix a snack for him and his friends hes the same person with/without me but i see it as a way that he wants to include me in his life. i also offer to drive people home after the party if i havnt had a few drinks and i feel it also makes people more respectful and feel safer.

my house is known as one of the safest "party houses" as i do make my prescence known and make sure to keep everyone safe as does my son.

OP posts:

Pomegranatemolasses · 29/08/2020 00:23

B i come from Southern California and before i moved to the uk 10 years ago was a pretty regular weed smoker and i still carry a medical liscence my general rule with anyting like this is to do it in the garden and dont let me see it. i know it will happen regardless so at leats it done in a way thats safe and keeps it fun and respectful

It actually doesn't happen regardless for lots of teens. And it's not fun and respectful, it's potentially harmful for certain vulnerable teens.

Wbeezer · 29/08/2020 13:33

You seem to be ignoring my post about my previously well behaved boy naively trying LSD. He was also under the impression that as he was under 18 there would be no reourcussions if caught, even though its a Class A drug.
You'll probably get away with it, but if you dont the price can be high and the boywho sold them the drugs was only 15 and not from the "wrong side of the tracks", his mother is a teacher at a private school.

LynetteScavo · 30/08/2020 21:00

You have a combination lock on your drinks cabinet? Eh?

I have alcohol in the house and teenagers but have never felt the need to lock it away. Or release the code

LynetteScavo · 30/08/2020 21:01

I don't think you're being too relaxed I just don't think you're aware of appropriate boundaries.

LynetteScavo · 30/08/2020 21:06

Also I would not leave a 17 home alone.

A very nice, naive local 17yo was left alone last summer. There was alcohol and drugs and the house was stripped (the microwave ended up in the next door garden and no light fittings remained) The neighbours called the police three times in one evening. The parents were abroad (Because the son was so academic and well behaved they thought he'd be fine home alone aged 16 )

LunaRabbit · 01/09/2020 02:09

"i know it will happen regardless"

This is an absolutely terrible way to think about anything. Many children, maybe even most children in some places, become adults without doing drugs. This is actually kind of nihilistic. I'll die someday, but today I'll wear a seat belt when I go to buy groceries.

gingganggooleywotsit · 04/09/2020 22:56

I think it's hard to be strict as a mum, when you were a rebellious teen yourself. When my dd13 pushes the boundaries or does something stupid, I catch myself thinking 'well at least she's not as bad as I was'..which is a pretty bad attitude to have I know.

pushananas · 04/09/2020 23:03

I'm fairly relaxed, as long as he's keeping up with school work and keeps me informed of when he's going to be home and where he is it's fine.ive always said to all mine they need to know the address of where they are in case of emergency, now they text it to me so then they can just text come and get me if there is a problem and I know where to go.my eldest was awful for saying I'll be at Jane's house and knowing where it was rather then the address.