Dd staying up all night and mental health

[Sara2000]

Sorry this will be long :Dd aged aged 14 has got into a habit of staying up all night talking to her online friends and gaming. I have seen her online friends and know they are her age so that bit I am not worried about. This has been going on since the school holidays started. We switch the wifi off at about 3, but she then talks to them on her phone. Perhaps we were stupid to agree to this but after months of no school where she has only seen her school friends in person once we wanted her to have a chance to do what she wanted during the holidays. She has no interest in shopping or going out as she just wants to game. We agreed with her that she would gradually reset from this weekend so that she is in some sort of normal sleep pattern by Thursday when she returns to school.Neither DH nor I have felt completely comfortable with her staying up all night as shes increasingly become detached from the family given she is going to bed as we get up, waking up at about 4 in the afternoon and then not eating at 'normal' times but we work
full time at home so we have nothing else to offer her to do in the day (according to her). Gone af
Rethe days where she wants to day trips. However, we knew there was a time limit when things needed to return to normal.

But last night (or 1 this morning ) the whole situation came to a head. Dd announced that she wants to catch the train on Monday to visit one of these friends who lives an hour from us. We said no as we know nothing about the family or where she will be. She will be 15 in a few weeks but is anxious about everything.ie she refuses to go into our local town as there are 'too many people'. But suddenly she has planned out how to travel to the other side of London on 3 trains. She went berserk and said we were over protective and were bad parents etc.

Our feelings about her staying up all night , the fact we never see her (she doesnt even eat with us now) came up and we switched the wifi off at 1 and took her phone. I rarely check her phone these days as she hates it and we have spent alot of time talking about appropriate messages etc and never had issues. I did check it last night though and it was fine except where she was arranging this visit and slagging us off for not letting her go!

I went into her room to speak to her to try and explain we were just concerned about her travelling so far away during covid to a place she had never been when we dont know the people and she wont even get a bus alone to our local town. She was hyperventilating as she was so upset and said she didnt trust me and we were stifling and over protective. 2 years ago she was self harming and she bought up the fact that she didnt trust me because I had told her dad when she asked me not too. She said she has hated me since and will never trust me again. I said I felt I couldn't not share that with DH as I would want to know if it was the other way round. She also said she needs her online friends as they are the only people she can speak to and she would never tell me anything again. I found that whole time when she was self harming terrifying. Self harm was something I didnt understand and had no idea what to do..The school were useless so we got her referred to CAMHs who tested her for autism and she came out as having "traits '. We also paid for private counselling but she hated it so we cancelled. I strongly suspect she does have ASD and that her 'special interest' is gaming and this group of girls she has made friends with. She also said she thinks she has ADHD and that she doesnt feel normal and wants it be tested. She said she has no interest in normal term stuffand I compare her. I thought we had moved on since the self harming and put it behind us but she said last night she cant even look at photos of herself from that time and she feels like she is going back there but she won't talk to me about it as she doesnt trust me.

We left it as the wifi going off and went to bed but I have been awake since 5 thinking what to do next.

How do I get her to talk to me about her feelings ? How do I build the trust up again that she says has gone?

Would you let her go to this friends? I could drive her there but it would take 4 hour
s seeing as I would have to drive there and back twice. I would only do this once I had 'met'the parents on a video call. I have met the friend on these calls several times including last night.

I just dont know where to start.

I think we are going to have a challenge returning to school as her social anxiety has escalated over the last 6 months. She keeps telling me 'everyone's stays up all night but my worry is the total lack of socialising in real life. Shes just obsessed with her online friends.

Sorry for the length.

I don't have much advice but you are describing to a t a female version of my ss. He has adhd and asd. He too would stay up all night gaming if he could. He hates being touched and has had several issues at school with running out of class and being overwhelmed if he makes a mistake. I wish you and your daughter well finding some thing that works for her (and getting a diagnosis if that's what she wants)

Thank you. I think another referral to CAMHs may be needed.

I hear you. My Ds1 has traits and can be difficult. He has a great social life, but also games a lot.

Yes, let her see her friends, either by you driving or her getting the train. Not that many people are using the train atm, she should be fine!!

And yes she'll have to adjust her body clock ready for school, in the next few days.

I think maybe you are perhaps jumping to conclusions. You are worried about her mental health and seeing this incident about being allowed to go and visit this friend as part of this. If you see this incident as a teenage meltdown of not being allowed to do what she wants, then the situation looks less concerning. Bringing up you telling her father about the self harm is designed to hurt you because she is angry with you. You are putting back boundaries after months of freedom and she is not that happy with this. I think sticking to your guns calmly, reassuring her that you love her and perhaps offering a meet up with the friend somewhere half way could be a good option.

Thank you cansu. Dh felt she was being manipulatove as he rightly said if she was that bothered about him knowing about the SH why is it only coming out nearly 2 years later on the night we say no to soemthing she wants. . I plan on not doing much for now as I think she just needs to adjust to school first , but if she continues to have some of the issues o have outlined with anxiety etc then I think I will look onto getting her help again.

Telling her father was a right thing to do whether she likes it or not, that's really important for her safety. Safety trumps privacy/confidentiality. I think she's testing your love and pushing you to 'prove' her that actually you don't love her all that much, don't care and so on. Don't give in. Be the great mum you are and show it. Day trips are hard at this age but some family time is essential and good for her, so keep looking for opportunities.

gretchenschmelzer.com/blog-1/2015/6/23/parent-corner-the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you

I would reinstate CAMHS now, particularly because she's not open with you. She needs to talk to someone she can trust. CAMHS will also help with school, so any future issues will be easier to resolve if they're in contact with the school about reasonable adjustments. I see it as a long term investment in her future so exact timing doesn't matter - the sooner the better though. There are delays / waiting lists, it may not happen very quickly anyway!

Forget CAMHS. They are there to limit strain on services by means of aggressive gatekeeping.

You need to find a private psychologist.

I agree with cansu as to the nature of what happened.

Oh gosh, poor you it sounds exhausting 💐
She seems to be putting all the blame on you. Does dad do much of the discipline or removing phone/WiFi ?
Yes, you should have told dad.
Yes, you should drive her to this friend but it should be agreed that this will only happen if she starts to turn her days back to school times. So WiFi off when you go to bed, she gives you any phones she has in her possession at the same time, she makes a time table for bed times creeping back to school bed time and she does the same with food times.
Yes, a referral to CAMHS and I would say a word with school before she goes back.
I assume she isn't going into this friend’s house due to social distancing ?
And is it possible that she has romantic feelings for this friend ? You often see this absolutely need to see someone when it’s a crush.
And see if you can get some family time together doing whatever she chooses.

You can't just forget CAMHS , since they are indeed the gateway to NHS support. It is true that it is extremely hard to access sustained and useful NHS support. But, equally, private psychologists cost too much to use over a long period and their quality is very very patchy.

Just wanted to add, OP, that I am sending love and . It is very tough, very draining. Hang on in there, get professional help if you can, remember she does love you. Anxiety can create awful confrontations, but, between these, make time for calm reassurance.

Your daughter needs help now. Please don't shelve this until the next crisis. CAMHS won't step up. The funds and will isn't there to do so. You can self-refer to the Lorna Wing Centre, highly reputable and recognised by professionals, NHS etc.,

Meantime, watch this video clip, it may be informative and give you some thoughts:

network.autism.org.uk/knowledge/insight-opinion/interview-dr-judith-gould-women-and-girls

So we have had a bit of a breakthrough.

Dd went back to school last week which seemed to go well. She even went to her friends after school!

She woke me in the early hours of this morning and we ended up having a 2 hour heart to heart. Which I was pleased about after she had previously said she wouldn't trust me again.

Her sleep pattern is back to normal(apart from last night) , phone and wifi are off by 11 sun- Thursday and 1am fri and sat. That works for us and we are happy with that. Last night she told me she felt her mental health was going back to how it was 18 months ago when the self harming started. She also disclosed specific details of how she had attempted suicide at that time and that she was now having flashbacks and feels the last 5 months has forced her to face what happened last year.

She has asked for a counseller and to be referred to CAMHS. I havent told DH and have agreed with her I wont.

But I need some support so have come here. I have already emailed CAMHS to explain things are worse and ask if she can be assessed. I am not going to speak to the school just yet because they didnt help last time.

I am also trying to find a counsellor.

Dd thinks she has ADHD. I have no idea about that but would say her main issues are ; socially isolating herself (other than online), avoids real life social situations , poor sleep, sensory issues have got worse (cant stand being tapped on the arm pr being hugged unless she instigates it , specific noises such as packets, won't wear socks), she suffers stress headaches after some social situations and hates school but not clear on why, seems to be the noise and crowds. She says she feels 'wiped out' by school and told me she always feels achey when she wakes up. I will look into an ADHD assessment but they are ££.

It's better to sacrifice something or do a whip around among relatives in order to afford an assessment than to wait for one. Time matters.