DD 14 always chooses to be with the disruptive kids at school

[Birdsong20]

DD is pretty well behaved at home. I think we are about average on the strict scale. Remove phone when necessary, not allowed to be disrespectful and has a good routine with regards, bedtime, phone use, eating. Normal family life, mum, dad, sibling, no life dramas, we all get on well. However, she has always chosen to be with pupils who I would say are disruptive at school, have issues and are generally not very nice. (I know because I work at her school)

Could it be something I've done? Is it just nature rather than nurture? I try so hard as a parent to get this right but feel that by surrounding herself with unmotivated, disrespectful and disruptive pupils she will be influenced by them and we've already had conversations about what is normal behaviour as her friends behaviour is becoming normal to her.

After lock down she has spent lots of time with friends locally just hanging about. From her photos, I can see that she is also hanging about with older pupils who are also 'trouble' . I am so worried. Can I stop her going out and hanging about the park with these kids? Will this push her away? Should I enrol her in as many clubs as I can to keep her busy?

I just don't know how to handle it.

Watching with interest - could have written your post pretty much verbatim. DD (12) has also been hanging out with some of the more unruly kids in her year.

I'm afraid IME children whose parents believe they are the good kids mixing with the wrong crowd are usually not as good as their parents want to believe. Equally, the "bad" kids are very rarely all bad.

You're judged by the company you keep is an important lesson and actually, one children understand quite young and choose their friends according to where they want to fit in.

You could have typed about my dd as well who’s 14 . She is in a group that drink & smoke ,have been allowed out all during lock down on trains & buses . These kids arenot always nice to my dd but I know that my child is no angel . I don’t allow her out gallivanting all over London however she’s had meet ups with a few other girls who shall we say are quieter she’s actually told me that the group that she’s involved with are doing things they shouldn’t ie drinking & smoking
Sadly we can’t pick our children’s friends we can only support & guide them .The more you try to seperate her from what she chooses the likelihood is she will rebel
Maybe have a one to one chat about her thoughts . A few of my friends do keep their kids busy with hobbies that they enjoy but I think kids need to socialise with others their own age as well

Maybe their families think the same about your dd... and that she’s the ‘trouble’ one!!

@FinnyStory As I work at the same school she attends, I also know she doesn't get into trouble and completes her work, as I can see how many merits she gets and only gets sanctions for the odd forgotten equipment and HW. Her friends get sanctions and DTs on a weekly basis for rude disruptive behaviour. So yes, maybe she has just done a very good job of suppressing her 'rebellious' side but she associates with the more rebellious kids deep down. That's what worries me.

"You're judged by the company you keep is an important lesson and actually, one children understand quite young and choose their friends according to where they want to fit in"

I agree with you on the above, and we have spoken about it lots. That's the point of my post really. Why is she choosing this company? I know she has chosen this, but I'm trying to fathom out why as I am worried that she'll be influenced by them.

@OverTheRainbow88 Maybe they do but I can't control what other people think.

I also want to know if some children are just naturally more rebellious despite their upbringing and best efforts from their parents?

Secondary school years are hard op .Was her friendship group okay in primary school? I think many girls are cute in knowing that dominant groups might help them fit in and be part of a group. As the years go in it's all about fitting in and the "fear of missing out". I think the less you say, the better with regards to her choice of friends and she will navigate through and hopefully get bored hanging around. Is she interested in any hobbies still? Support her to throw herself into them,just her as an individual in an outside group to socialise away from school; great for self esteem and if things go pear shaped with mates, she's got a different safe setting to escape.

I know you mightn't have a lot of choice about it but wouldn't most kids loathe to have their parents at school? On one hand all her peers know you're there, so she'd be under pressure to have the best grades, impeccable behaviour and teachers would not want to say if their colleagues child was a pain in neck. She will feel she can't be herself. Could you have that chat with her even if you have to acknowledge it's different for her? Hopefully other school staff will advise you here.

"I just don't know how to handle it", tells me you're very smart and humble. Who would think they know how to handle a teen perfectly? A fool or a liar. I've had one teen and now one to go and can tell you you'll come through this stronger and a bit wiser. Enjoy the funny moments,there will be loads. Set boundaries and consequences, they need it and just pass the buck to stating it's the law if and when required. One thing I wish I'd done with my eldest is letting her engage in a row with me. Good luck op, and remember the very seemingly best behaved can be worst so yours same as everyone else's !

*wish I'd not done

I don’t think it’s fair to judge these kids off of behaviour points as the explanation is usually very vague for what they’ve done. A lot of kids who are ‘disruptive’ aren’t bad children. Some have underlying issues, some want to feel liked and some have been through traumatic experiences in their lives. She knows her friends better than you do and she has probably seen the funny, kind side to them. On the other hand, if you’re still not happy with her being with these people, try and explain to her how much you care about her and don’t want her to go down a bad path but make sure not to badmouth her friends when doing this as she may not take that very well. Some kids are just misunderstood and have a hard time but that doesn’t mean they are ‘bad and disrespectful’. I know a child that seemed disruptive and disrespectful and to some extent they were if you looked at them from a distance. Constantly in trouble, argumentative at times. Although, once you got to know them, they weren’t like this at all. This is why I think it’s important to get to know your daughters friends before making opinions as she may know them as different people than you do at present.

Birds of a feather flock together. She is hanging out with these kids because she either feels more comfortable with them as they are like her or admires them and wants to be more like them.

You can't pick their friends and you are on shaky ground if you criticise them as they will become defensive (your are her mum, so you don't know anything!)

I would agree with pp, get to know your dd's friends if possible (difficult during lock down), and ask her about them and what they are up to. With ds, who is generally well behaved, I talk about their/his behaviour, not them - what does he think about it, how it makes them look to the teachers, are they not interesting in school, what do they want to do after school and how this could impact their options, how she looks to teachers and how it impacts her. What hobbies do they have, what are they good at, what is their strongest subject/sport/ etc.

She probably finds it amusing telling you they are fun to be with.
You are lucky you work in the school and can see and know something about her friends.
Alot off parents know nothing about their teenagers friends my dd is 17 and from age 12 to 16 I never met any off her friends they just met at school or in town.

What position do you hold in the school?

I have worked in a school where members of staff’s children were given more “leniency” to avoid confrontation or awkwardness.

@Tiltheend I work in a massive school and most of her teachers don't even know me, let alone that I'm her mum. But if she was disruptive in school, that would compound my worry.

I suppose I was just trying to give full details to try and make sense of why she is attracted to the disruptive ones. I am fully aware and very concerned that it's her choice. That is exactly my worry.

My fear is exaggerated as I have a brother who did just that at school. He was a quiet boy but seemed to gravitate towards the kids who skived etc, he's spent his whole life making the same decisions regarding people and it's heart breaking to witness as it always ends in ultimate heart break for him because he finds 'sensible' people too boring.

I thought the teenage forum was for parents to support each other and I was hoping for similar examples of parents reassuring me that, their child was also quite lively and attracted to the more 'fun loving/ class clowns but managed to stay out of trouble and do well as my only example is my brother.

However, I now realise that this page is full of parents with as much angst as me about their teenagers and wouldn't be posting /reading here if they had come out the other side.

She likes them because they’re fun for her. Also, she probably sees more to them than their bad behaviour.
In a non confrontational way, ask her why she likes them. Get her to tell you some stories of fun they’ve had together, then you’ll get more of an idea of her motivation to be with them.
As an aside when I taught in a very tough school, I remember looking at some of the very sweet and pleasant children and thinking, “why aren’t you disappointed in your friends when they disrespect me and when they’re misbehaving?” But that wasn’t what they were seeing, because behaviour was my concern, not theirs. Their concern was the fun they were going to have with their friends at break.