How to comfort DD

[RosiePosie15]

I feel like I’m writing a lot about her lately but she is my eldest and acts very differently to DS. Yesterday a passerby came by the house and told me there was a dead cat on the grass verge outside of our house and having two cats ourselves I went to look and unfortunately it was one of our cats who had been hit by a car. DD loves the cats to bits and when he (the one who has died) hurt his leg a year or so ago she would barely leave his side (he couldn’t walk or jump) and would help him eat out is his bowl. And the other day she spent hours brushing mud out of his fur because he came home absolutely covered in it. They had a lovely bond and he was probably most comfortable around her. So she was absolutely devastated when I told her and understandably so because I was upset too. Her horse died prematurely in March and I think this just feels like another blow to her- and a week before starting a new school too. Her reactions to the news a pet has died has increased in severity and this time was the worst. She threw some cushions across the room (very unlike her) and stood up as if to storm out but only made it a couple metres before collapsing and proceeding to hit the floor with her fists repeatedly, all whilst screaming and sobbing. Once she calmed down a bit she just laid on the sofa not moving or saying anything, almost like she was in shock. I eventually convinced to go to bed and sat with her for a while (her request) and got her talking about random things so she seemed a bit better and I left her to get some sleep but told her if she needed anything to just come and get me (DH works away so he told her to ring him if she needed to). She didn’t go to sleep until 2am and proceeded to sleep in to about 10am which is unlike her but I let her sleep in because she doesn’t really need to do anything and she needed the rest. Wouldn’t eat breakfast but I convinced her to eat a biscuit and have a cup of tea. She’s asked to watch a film with me this afternoon and I’m happy to do so because I don’t want her to look herself in her room all day by herself. And anyway I need to clean the living room today and I usually have the tv on so I don’t see the harm of her sitting and watching a film instead. I’m not sure how to help her other than doing (within reason) what she wants. Am I doing the right thing? WWYD?

Hi Rosieposie, so sorry to hear about your pet and your upset DD. (how old is she btw?)

It sounds like she is going through the normal process of grief eg., shock, anger. I remember my normally very calm easy going DS doing similar when a family pet died. It can be as upsetting as when a person dies.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, let her ride it out in her own way while you just keep an eye on her. If would normally hug then lots more hugs! It's difficult not to overly fuss about them not sleeping, eating properly etc but it should pass if she can work through it. She has you and DH to talk to (anyone else?) so as long as you ensure she knows that she can talk whenever at least it will help her process things.

Does she have a bit of time left before school beckons? If it's imminent perhaps you should let the pastoral team know, but you might want to chat over this option with DD first?

Loosing a pet is absolutely awful, can still remember my feelings for every single pet I have lost and I think you times everything by at least 100 when you see a DC upset

losing (sorry)

She’s 16. She’s a very cuddly person so I’m making sure to give her plenty of hugs and such when I see her. DS has always been very good with being there for her (e.g. suggesting they play a game to distract her) but he is younger so they don’t necessarily talk about it. She’s got a couple of good, close friends that she talks to often and they’re very supportive, from what I understand. She’s not quite at the ‘talking about it’ stage yet but DH and I are happy for her to talk about it with us at any point. She starts school on Tuesday so I’ll probably see how she goes but the staff at the school are lovely so if she’s still unsettled I may just have a word with them and let them know, which I don’t think DD will mind but I’d check with her first before anyway. But seeing her like this is upsetting in itself to be honest.

Well, as I said, it sounds like you are doing all the right things to comfort her. She has a good family and good school staf , perhaps a return to some other focus will help. Try and have some nice treats (nothing huge, watching a film as you mentioned is a great way to have some nice family time) and perhpas a regular but not excessive 'are you ok, how are you?'

staff not staf, I can normally spell, just typing fast!

Sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing. And like you've got a lovely relationship where she can reach out for your hugs/ film time. It's a horrible time. My son did the falling on the floor hitting it when our cat died. I think grief is such a raw emotion it comes out in strange ways

Thanks for the suggestions. Just wondering how soon is too soon to get another cat? DD has always desired having a kitten to look after and our surviving cat looks lonely- she had had kittens before we adopted her and is highly sociable so I think she’d like the company. How long do you think we should wait before looking for a new cat?

Our family dog died when I was 18. I took 3 days off college as I couldn't stop crying/control my feelings and I am not usually an over emotional person. I cried less when my grandfather died the year before. Sometimes things just hit you unexpectedly hard.

Her reaction, in isolation to any other problems, seems completely normal. The cat only died yesterday, it is way too soon to talk about kittens, give her time to process it instead of bringing in a replacement/distraction.

Grief tends to layer up, you said her horse sadly passed away, now the cat, she's probably not processed loosing the horse fully.
What ever it takes, what ever works is the right thing to do.
Sending hugs x

@Thisyearcandoone I’m starting to think that she hasn’t processed the loss of her horse either too- it would make sense as to why she’s been so down these last few months. My sister breeds horses and had three foals end of April/beginning of May so I think DD used that as a distraction rather than grieving properly. She isn’t enthusiastic about anything and shows no interest about going to school. Will throwing herself into school work help? She’s never missed school because of the death of a pet or family member but usually underperforms (one of the only times she has failed a test was when our dog was put down last year). Is it fair to send her to a new school where she knows no-one (other than her brother who’s a couple years younger) when she’s still grieving and on her period (they’re awful for her but I’m working on getting her a doctors appointment)? Will doing school work be a good distraction?

Hi. Sorry your DD is suffering. My DD (16 next month) also gets massively impacted by Loss. I'm absolutely no expert, but you have my sympathy.
re periods - are you planning on asking for to go on the Pill? Has helped my DD lighten and regulate hers tremendously.

@TeenPlusTwenties Thank you. She was on one brand of the pill for nine months but didn’t help so she’s now on her second month of another brand. It’s stopped her throwing up but she’s still in a lot of pain that she doesn’t like going to school

Oh wow. that sounds bad.

I don’t want to force her to school if she’s physically and emotionally unwell but I worry what the consequences would be of her missing the first day or so of year 12 at a new school.

Have you done things like have a funeral for the cat, maybe getting a large photo, that kind of thing?
I'd probably go for the encourage in if she possibly can, with a treat ready at the end of the day.

We haven’t really done a funeral and we never really did for any of the other pets. I buried him in the corner of the garden and DD came out later and put some flowers down. Yeah, I think that’s the right thing to do. Hopefully with it being only the first day she won’t have too much work to do.