17yr old is saying she’s not going back to school

[marmitegirl01]

Hi so my 17 yr old is saying she’s not going back to school. She has depression & anxiety ( but is able to do things that she wants to do ie meet friends- but not what I want her to do - latest one is to tidy her desk🤷‍♀️)
Realistically what are her/ my options. She is totally unmotivated and self esteem & confidence thru the floor. She had unexpectedly poor GCSE results last year which has led to this point. So part time job is out - she just won’t do it. When I ask what is she interested in she doesn’t know.
I feel for her but I can’t carry her thru life. So wise people what now ??

What does she suggest? Does she have some sort of plan?

What does she think about her future?

She needs to do something, so if not school then can she apply for apprenticeships, college, part time job? She can’t have the option to sit at home doing nothing and you need to make this clear to her.

Be careful as this could be a slippery slope into a very bleak future.

I'd see if there is a Princes Trust program running close to you, they focus on building confidence, teamwork, communication skills etc. Not technically education but they have a good success rate in our area for teens to return to education after the program is completed. You should have a service possibly via yr LA which focuses on supporting 16-19yr olds

I was in just this situation at her age. My advice is not to pressure her about school. She can always go back to education later (I left after GCSEs and now have a Masters degree). Mental health is much more important at this point - it's harder to fix later!

What helped my confidence was doing voluntary work - you feel like you're helping people and because you aren't being paid, there isn't the same level of pressure over getting everything right. I did that for a year part-time and then found a full-time job in the same area, confident then that I had the skills to do it.

Counselling helped me, but only once I was over 18 - I felt as if I were taken seriously then, whereas before I was treated as a child who needed to be doing what all the other children were doing. That approach really didn't work for me - talking about organisational skills to help me back into school was like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic when I was suffering a genuine existential crisis and didn't plan on living much longer.

I can imagine this sort of thing must be really tough to deal with as a parent, but if you can, try to support her. If she's anything like I was, when you say 'please tidy your desk' her brain is twisting it into 'you're so useless, look at what a mess that desk is, it's disgusting' or something similar - and then dealing with it becomes overwhelming. Which isn't your fault at all, but it's what depression can do sometimes. It's not personal, even if it feels like it.

Obviously everyone is different and some of what I've said might not apply to your DD - just wanted to let you know that even if it takes a while, it's possible to come through it and have a happy adult life.

She just says she has no idea when I ask her. Even if I ask her to think of something she is vaguely interested in she can’t.
It’s so hard. I am single parent I have always worked and am in 6th year of OU degree so it’s not like her role model is slothful.
Not easy to make a 17yr old do something they don’t want to do.

Thankyou for last two messages. More helpful than slippery slope into a bleak future x

Go and get some prospectuses from a few colleges, get information about apprenticeships, source the information.

Or call school and explain the situation and maybe see if someone will speak to her, career advisor?

Or take her to the job centre and she can sign on for benefits and they can show her jobs.

Her options in my house would be to either consider herself a child (and therefore be completely supported by me) and go back to school. Or consider herself an adult and I’d expect her to start financially contributing to the household. If she chose the latter I’d give her a grace period of perhaps 2 months max to find a full time job, otherwise she’d be out of the house and have to declare herself homeless. Don’t enable your daughter to become a waste of space

DS has done this. Also 17. We are in Scotland so he went back for a few days but isn't happy with the lack of protection re covid so has now declares he won't be returning. The problem is he doesn't actually need to be there so there is very little I can do. He is going to Uni next year so this will basically end up a shit gap year 🙄

I won't be throwing him out as per a PP suggestions.

@Itsjustabitofbanter

Her options in my house would be to either consider herself a child (and therefore be completely supported by me) and go back to school. Or consider herself an adult and I’d expect her to start financially contributing to the household. If she chose the latter I’d give her a grace period of perhaps 2 months max to find a full time job, otherwise she’d be out of the house and have to declare herself homeless. Don’t enable your daughter to become a waste of space

I thought at 17 you had to be in some sort of education?

Sorry meant to add to that, doll Eve is a good idea. I don't know how things work in England but our colleges do further education courses as well as higher education so there would be something for her

doll Eve

COLLEGE

@toomanyspiderplants technically that’s correct. There’s no legal repercussions though so it happens.

@premiumshoes so you would keep him indefinitely if he refused to get a job?

[quote Itsjustabitofbanter]@premiumshoes so you would keep him indefinitely if he refused to get a job?[/quote]

That's not the situation. He is going to university next year. I didn't say I would 'keep' anybody indefinitely, I said I would not be asking him to leave.

Also speak to the job centre or google local initiates/support for NEETs. There are traineeships and programs that give young people experience in a range of different sectors.