Please help me talk about sex with my teen!

[fungussingstheblues]

I put this in the Parenting topic –didn't realise there was a teen-specific one too –hope it's OK to post here as well for one or two more replies...
thank you.

The biology and mechanics were fine. I had no problem talking to DS about the facts of life when he was 8, 9, 10. But now he's 15 and in an actual relationship, I'm totally floundering. He's pretty reticent and quiet and I don't want to push things or seem preachy, but I would like to be able to tell him I hope he waits for a bit before having sex with his 14yo girlfriend. Though maybe he already is. I know, it's crap that I don't actually know.

I mean, I don't think that he is, 70% sure, but I just don't know. I don't want to come at him from the "it's legally underage" standpoint - I know this type of thing will just alienate him - but I also don't want to hand over condoms in case it does make him think, "Well, if mum thinks it's ok, let's go, wahey!" I do want him to have them now, though, just in case.

I'd be so grateful for some wise conversation openers, at least - honestly don't even know how to start it... which I know is flaky in itself.

I thought I'd be a cool, down-with-the-kids parent when it came to sex... obviously not :-(

Direct him to the bishUK website (UK website particularly good for young men) or scarleteen website (American lots of very long essays but good info). Ask him generic not personal questions e.g “ a friend of mine thinks all teen boys have their ideas skewed by porn- what do you think?” So having generic chats about his peers as a way in but steer away from the personal to keep it private. Finding a show to watch together featuring relationship dynamics can be another way in. Also the chats on a long walk or drive- no eye contact helps! Good luck!

LadyCurd that website looks spot on - thank you! A drive is definitely a good idea. He often grunts his way round the house conversing in single syllables, but won't let me leave the car when we park in the driveway as he is chatting so much!

I have girls and this may not be everyone's cup of tea but about 14/15 I talked to them. I picked a time where they weren't busy etc and basically said I'm your mother so I think there are things you need to know and think about. I'm not wanting any replies but come back to me if you want to discuss anything further. I then went on to outline the things that I thought important - consent, not getting talked into believing everyone did such and such and feeling pressured, porn is not reality etc. Then I left them. They came back to me about a couple of things and have been open about issues (I'm not wanting the details) One was feeling talked into something she didn't want to do at a later point and we discussed that. Seemed to work for me

I came here looking for the same advice except i found condoms in Ds drawer this morning 😫 he and his gf have been together 9 months. Lovely girl, both hard working quiet types. I've had lots of chats with him about it and he's wanted to curl up and die but I'm a nurse and not embarrassed in the least. Now I don't know if to tell him I know or leave him to it??!

Both 15 although both 16 within the next 3 months. I have always said I'd never be naive enough to think mine wouldn't be at it but bloody hell not at this age! I guess they won't be the first or the last 😳

Just wanted to update that I had a chat with DS, on a long drive, of course. It went pretty well, though I didn't ask him outright whether they'd already done it or not, so I still don't know. Pretty sure not, though.

He's a nice boy. Said several times things like "I totally understand how you feel/where you're coming from" etc... though who knows if he's just saying those things to placate me!

I'm a bit none the wiser, but at least the dialogue has opened up a little bit. Thanks for advice :-)