What time should a 14 year old be in by?

[WouldYouRather]

Hi, I'm looking for some opinions on this to settle an ongoing debate with DS14. He wants to be out with his friends until 10pm - hanging out in the park, riding his bike etc. I think he should be in by dark unless he is at someone's house or at an event of some kind. Our area can be rough at night and the only teenagers I see in the park are drinking and smoking!

We have had some issues at the beginning of the year when I discovered ds had been buying weed. It has made me feel very worried and cautious. Am I being over protective?

At 14 I always knew where mine were, they weren't allowed to just hang around. They went to friends houses, they went to the cinema, went on bike rides and picnics but told me where. In the evening I picked them up from wherever they went until 16

I agree with you, my son is 12 but this is our rule, although so far he would rather be at home anyway and doesn't enjoy hanging around.
My friends son is 14 and allowed to stay out until half past 10, hanging around, doing whatever, I personally think that is far too late.

On a school night I'd say 9pm. However I'd want to know where he was and who he was with. So no hanging around, especially if you have found he's buying drugs. ( mine would be permanently locked down for that).
My ds is 13 and I drop off/ pick up to wherever he's going including clubs, as i know what he's doing and who he is with.

Thank you for the replies - good to know I haven't got it completely wrong. I think I will stick to the back before dark rule - I feel that if he starts hanging around on the street after dark, things could go wrong very quickly.

@anothermansmother - he was locked down for a very long time and all phone access removed. We have recently relaxed it and the rule was back by 6.30 but now I feel he needs to get back to a more age appropriate boundary. He is pushing the boundaries all the time but also seems to want to get on with me and generally cooperate so I feel I need to meet him half way.

I always know where DD (14) is and it is usually at a friends house where I pick her up from. I wouldn’t allow her to just be hanging around outside after dark. I do realise that it’s slightly trickier with boys though, what with it being easier for them to move around a lot on their bikes.

@WouldYouRather have you started a similar thread regarding this in the past? It rings vague bells to me.

Are they always just hanging out at the park rather than round someone’s house? I think I’d be concerned about what they would be doing out late unsupervised, nothing good no doubt.

To be honest there would be no hanging around dark or not. You say yourself the area can be rough at night so either he is at someone's house or home. On a school night unless it was a sports activity club mine were in for the evening. You are the parent here and it is your job to set boundaries.

A 14 year old should not be running the streets after dark. Only trouble will come of this.

@Rollergirl11 - yes I posted a while back - still struggling! It is very, very difficult because I feel strongly that there need to be boundaries but DS's friends have parents who are a lot more relaxed. They also spend a lot of time out on their bikes so it's not a matter of dropping off and picking up. There is also the problem with DH who thinks I am being too controlling - he and his brother had no boundaries at this age and were out drinking in the pub at 15 and smoking a lot of weed. He went on to be successful and sorted and doesn't understand my fears. Between fighting my very determined DS over this and trying to justify my reasoning to DH I am absolutely exhausted. So tired of being the bad guy in our family and I don't see it ever changing. I am trying to get DS through this without letting him go too wild but it's very hard.

Weed. At 14. Our DS would have been grounded until he was 43!

No hanging around in parks or elsewhere. At 14 he went to rugby training, cricket nets, football training. He visited friends at their houses and his friends came to ours. Nights out were: cinema, parties (organised), sports events, school trips.

More independent from about 16 but broadly I still knew who he was with and where he was.

Sunday to Thursday term time were school nights and he came home from school (subject to training) and did his homework.

He's gone out tonight - and he doesn't live at home any more - probably back Monday and I know where he is and who he's with and still know lots of his friends. He's 25!

He still did the rights of passage: Isle of Wight and beach parties 15/16, Reading 16, Malia 17, LoveBox and Festivals overseas post 17/18.

And had donned into him that drugs were a no no, and could result in a criminal record and affect his entire future.

@WouldYouRather ahhh I feel for you I really do. It’s even harder if you and DH aren’t on the same page! I was a bit of a teenage tearaway myself (and lived to tell the tale) but that doesn’t mean I want that for my children! I really do worry about them smoking weed at such a young age. It’s an entirely different beast to what we used to smoke when we were young. Really strong and definitely not what you want your kids smoking on a regular basis when their brains are still growing.

But it’s hard to always be the parent saying no. Much easier to give in and say yes. But our kids do still need boundaries.

Here is something I cut and paste from a thread on here a while back that had an impact on me. I actually sent to my DD as I wanted her to be aware of the strength of weed these days. It seems to have had the desired affect, she is literally not interested. She knows lots of boys in her year at school that are smoking weed, even one that is now selling it. I’m sure most of them will move on from it once they mature a little and it’s lost it’s appeal but there will be some that will get fully embroiled. Perhaps let your DH and DS read this.....

My son started smoking weed around age 14 - it started as occasional use and progressed to daily. He was extremely bright and musically gifted - he scraped through his GCSEs and completed a BTEC Higher and later dropped out of a Uni course because of extreme anxiety and paranoia.

His behaviour became increasingly aggressive (towards objects) and odd.

He is now 22 years old and on remand for an explosives offence and could be facing years in prison - He has recently undergone a psychiatric assessment and possibly has schizophrenia. He was sectioned about 12 months ago and I witnessed him having a full blown psychotic episode - it was terrifying.

It is such a waste of a bright, popular young man. Let me tell you ladies that I never thought things would end like this.

Let me also make you aware that the cannabis that are youngsters smoke these days has dangerously high levels of THC that can seriously mess with their frontal lobe development - cannabis induced psychosis is becoming more and more prevalent - prison officers I spoke to yesterday told me it is the root cause of so much crime nowadays because of the mh issues it can cause.

Speak to your kids and make them aware of this - zero tolerance does not work, neither does being too liberal.

I see youths riding around after dark where I live and I wonder where are their parents? Why are they letting them roam around at night? Please do not be one of those parents.
Mine used to tell me their friends parents were more relaxed at a similar age, but they all come out with that one. My response was that I am not interested in what their parents allow, you are my children and will follow our rules. No good will come of hanging round on streets and parks,you need to know where he is and he needs to be home.

Mine at 14 used to come in about 10.30pm, later if it was a concert or a party, but he wasn't hanging about the streets, he went somewhere that we knew about. His dad would often pick him up if he was running late.

I don't 'get' hanging about streets at all, seems a bit aimless.

The latest our ds14 has been out over the summer is 9-9.30 and always back before dark, unless he's at someone's house and being picked up or getting a lift. He's tried to push us later but I don't want him hanging around after dark in town. He and his friends tend to congregate in one of the parks near their houses.

Now it's getting darker in the evenings and school is starting up he'll be home for dinner and not out much at all - between rugby training and homework he won't have the time.

I don't think your rules are unreasonable at all.

Why are you letting him hang around the streets at all? You sound shocked that the kids at the park are drinking and smoking, but yours was doing weed!