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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

just found out dd has tried to self harm -please help me work out what to do next

19 replies

reallysad · 04/10/2007 12:48

i am a regular poster. i have just seen an email dd sent to her friend telling her that she has been cutting her feet and chest but has now stopped doing it.
about 2 months ago i saw that she had scraped her wrist with a drawing pin and asked her about it.she said she was jus trying it to see what it felt like.i asked her to stop doing it. now it seems it has gonebeyopnd this. i can't believe she knows the term 'cutting' but she obviously doesknow about it. i am in bits.i have read some of the websites on self harm, but just can't decide what the best things to do is.she has had atough time of it recently. new school etc.Both her parents died when she was tiny( I am adoptive aunt)This is of course related, but i don't know where to start.
please help

OP posts:

PandaG · 04/10/2007 12:51

don't really have any advice, just wanted you to know I had read this and care. Would it be a good idea for you to go to the GPs and talk it through with him/her? without taking your adoptive daughter with you?

majorstress · 04/10/2007 12:59

sending sympathy, GP's might be a good starting point for you I agree. Invasion of privacy is also an issue-how do you help without letting on why you are worried?

I think it is pretty common.

Original poster

reallysad · 04/10/2007 13:05

it does seem to be common.Scarily so.It seems to be about control and or emotional relase, which i understand given her history.I find it so shocking though.Wehave been to councillors in the past when she was 7 and 9. they all said she was copingwith everything really well so this has hit me hard.I am so sad that all the work we did with her previously has not helped to stop this.

OP posts:

jesuswhatnext · 04/10/2007 13:07

hi reallysad

we went through this with dd 2 years ago, i know just how gut wrenchingly awful you feel, i think the first thing to do is NOT panic - without making your dd problems seem trivial, we found that our dd was cutting mainly because so many others at school were doing it and it was almost a 'fashion statement'
i would talk to her about her cutting calmly but totally openly and honestly, tell her just how you feel, this is not to give her a 'guilt trip' but she must understand that self-harming is not just that, it is also harming you and the rest of the family, you plainly love her a great deal, tell her!
with any luck, the opening up in this type of conversation may be all she needs to help her come to terms with so many issues that the 'need' to cut will fade quickly.

in the meantime, i used to wait until dd was deeply asleep and then check her over for new wounds and monitor the situation from there.
sorry about the essay, but i hope any of the above helps!

harleyweendemon · 04/10/2007 13:07

you need to try to get her some counselling so she can get to the bottom of her feelings and learn about different ways she can deal with things instead of cutting. its hard to explain, and understand, but this is a way of her releasing tensions and mixed up emotions.
i would get an appointment with the gp.
even if she tells you she has stopped cutting, she will be doing it in places she can cover up.
my sister has been doing it for years (she is 30 and we have only recently found out) and things are really getting worse with her.
i hope you can get her the help she needs.

Charlee · 04/10/2007 13:14

I used to self harm alot when i was a teenager and still carry around scars on my arms, legs and chest.

I did it as i was depressed and felt that i couldn't put together the words to get across to anyone how i felt, it wasn't that i couldn't talk to mum it was that i didn't know what to say.

I also felt trapped as i was fighting with my parents at the time and was at the age where i wanted more freedom but wasn't being given it so it seemed like the only thing i could control iyswim.

I don't have any really cound advice, but if you keep an eye on her and actually see a cut then discuss it with her, calmly and make sure you listen well offer her help and counceling maybe aske her what she wants from life and tell her you will help her achieve it. (if its aceptable)

Original poster

reallysad · 04/10/2007 13:15

thanks jwn and hwd, i wondered about the 'fashion statement' thing.I thought maybe she had found out about it in a book or website at the time of the drawing pin incident.I honestly thought that it was just a silly thing she was trying out
now am not so sure.She is becoming more secretive. I worry that she is in her room moping too much, but she says she likes being on her own listening to music. i can;t believe i am so out of touch with what is happing in the next room.sometimes she is still such a baby.other times she want masses of independence.
we have alwasys been very open about taliking about her MUM and Dad.There is youth councilling at school- soi will look into it.

OP posts:

Original poster

reallysad · 04/10/2007 13:18

charlee- that is it exactly.I recognise her in what you have said She doesn't HOW to say it.do you think it would be a good idea to set up councelling? would you have wanted councelling if you caould have had it as a teenager?

OP posts:

Charlee · 04/10/2007 13:26

I think i would have.

I just had som many new emotions and feeling bubbling inside me, what with becoming 'grown up' and as well as being depressed.
It was just such a relief to be in control of my body, very much like an eating disorder.

I would speak to her, try and tell her you know, (without saying you read her emails!) and just say to her you or you can arrange someone (i.e councellor) will be there for her just to pour everything out, you will be suprised what comes out. That is where a councelor comes in handy as there are somethings she may not wish to tell you but could tell someone she considired out of the equation.

I shudder when i look at my scars now especially in places that can bee seen like my arms.
I am only young (20) so maybe she could email me and have a chat about it from someone who knows? (just an idea)

I feel for you, i put my mum through hell. I got away wiht not being found out for nearly a yr. I was eventually hospitalized as i cut to far with dirty glass, so i am keen to help people before it gets to that stage.

But like others say, it is becoming somewhat fashionable, and a cry for attention. I wouldn't say that was why your DD is doing though, as usually attention seeking tees are usually quite open about it.

harleyweendemon · 04/10/2007 13:33

i dont think its a cry for attention though, when they can keep it so well hidden?
nobody knew my sister was suffering from depression until a few months ago when she had to ring us to say she had been hospitalised. thats when everything came out.
we lost our mum when we were young, and this is one of the reasons my sis has problems.
i realy think counselling is the best way to go

Original poster

reallysad · 04/10/2007 13:44

Thanks so much for your experiences.I do think it is about unexpressed feelings, trying to be too adult too soon(new school,new friends, having to get the bus home on her own and being with me a dh on her own means she is quite adultised),probably thinking what it would be like if only her Mum and dad were here now,wanting freedom but feeling overwhelmed.
I think i do need to see the marks if there are any. I was going to suggest we do a pedicure together/paint toenails etc and try and bring the subject up at that point.( not confrontationally).Ask her if she is feeling sad and frustrated. Suggest councellor at school.Make appt with Gp.
Hope that world war 3 doesn't break out.

feel so sad that i thought she was really happy.

OP posts:

Charlee · 04/10/2007 13:47

I know your bound to feel sad, but people can cover up so easily.

I suffer from Bi Polar and before i got the help i needed i used to go around with a smile pinned on my face whe inseide i was feeling crap.

Your idea sounds great. I hope you get somewhere.

If you need to talk im always about

[email protected]

Original poster

reallysad · 04/10/2007 13:51

thanks charlee.
will let you know how i get on.

OP posts:

jesuswhatnext · 04/10/2007 13:58

good luck to you all!!!

you seem a lovely aunt, and i'm sure with your love and support she will get through this, jst remember, as my old nan used to say, 'what don't kill yer, makes yer stronger'

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/10/2007 17:13

I would have a look at the website of the National Self Harm Network (this are a charity).

www.nshn.co.uk/index2.html

Magdelanian · 04/10/2007 20:24

Went through this with DD a couple of years ago when she was 11. There was an issue she was trying to make sense of i.e. rejection from her dad. She didnt hide the cuts very well though. I gave it the attention I felt she needed, took her to GP, who arranged some sessions with a counsellor. It really helped her to talk it through with someone outside the family. I think you said your DD has had some counselling in the past. The teens can be another chapter and I hope she will benefit from talking it through again if you can broach the subject. You sound like a really caring aunt.

Oenophile · 07/10/2007 08:02

Poor you. I went through this too with DD1 (also bulimia) yet we are what I would call a happy family. I found it shocking, and it got worse after she went away to music college - she was always coming home with burns she explained away as 'ironing' (she never does any). It's obviously (I think) a response to pressure and anxiety and has settled down now she is in a job. But I find it very worrying and don't have any easy answers. You are obviously a wonderful and caring auntie and that is a rock-solid foundation for her.

Unconditional love and acceptance seem to be the only way to go, so that our troubled young people know there is and always will be someone there for them.

Original poster

reallysad · 08/10/2007 16:06

well I talked to her.
and it all came out.
She has not done anything for a while.I said i sort of understood that she was doing it because she was anxious about things and wasn't sure how to say that there was somthing wrong. she cried and said she didn't want to do it but ithad sort of turned into a habit.I have checked her all over for marks and there is nothing
i asked her would she find it helpful to talk things through and she said yes. Much hugging and weeping( mostly me)I have contacted the school councillor and she can start with her next week. DD is relieved i think. The school were brilliant about it.They also have experience of this and asked me if she was into all things Goth.(yes)Aparently this might have to do with it

OP posts:

Wisteria · 10/10/2007 10:30

Hi reallysad - I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be really distressing. I don't have any direct experience of this myself but do know that it is quite dangerous to prevent a 'self-harmer' from cutting (daft and difficult as it sounds) as it is very often a release which, if prevented, could lead to a more dangerous form of harm.

Counselling, definitely.

A CBT therapist should be able to help you and keep pushing if they tell you that there is a long waiting list. If you can't get any help from the NHS (which, given the age of your dd I think you will) try a local university which has counselling/ psychotherapy/ clinical psych as subjects - the students on post-grad or masters have to give a set number of hours and they are already fully trained counsellors.

HTH - and I hope your daughter learns to deal with what is troubling her as quickly as possible.

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