how to cope with children growing up

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Hi i am looking for advice as how to cope with my children growing up 17 and approaching 14.

They are doing fine, but i am struggling as they are getting older and don't need me in the same way. This is having a serious effect on my mental health.

I am getting professional help but am seriously struggling with the feeling of lack of purpose and role.

I would apppreciate any advice or tips as how to cope. I can see this feeling I have getting worse.

It’s sad yes but to me it’s wonderful, they are growing into wonderful people.
I have a focus on my work, it’s all consuming and very challenging.
I identify as much more than just a mother, I have my own life and interests outside my kids.

But then I’m not very maternal.

It's naturalto feel this. Nearly 2 decades of a little person being reliant on you is hard to just finish and not feel anything. Do you work? I would recommend finding a career where you help people. My mom trained and now works in a care home, and my aunt did quite substanta training and is now a specialised home carer. They both felt they needed to feel like they did something worthwhile and helpful in their day. They also took up new hobbies. My moms garden is now insanely beautiful. This new phase where you get more time to focus on yourself and what you want doesnt need to be all bad. It's just about shifting perspective to look forward rather than back.

Also, your kids will always need you in some form, I promise. I an 29, 2 kids, and I still need my mom.

I feel the same.
We need to get our own interests.

purpose is the key word, I suspect.
they still need you, but other people can need you too.

I still need my mum! And after a patch of 10 yes where I travelled the world and was shit at staying in touch, I now need her as much as ever. You'll find new and rewarding relationships with your kids in every stage.

That probably doesn't help you much, sorry.

Try thinking of it as a transition from one stage of life to another. You will of course still have a role in their lives but a different one.

Is there anything you wish you’d managed to do but couldn’t because of family commitments? I know it’s a bit cheesey but it could help to focus on yourself maybe take up a hobby or learn something you’ve always wanted to. Or maybe you had to fit work in around them and could now pursue a career dream?

I also talk to my dc (similar ages to yours) about their hopes and plans for the future and imagine ways to be involved. Of course their plans change but that’s part of the fun in chatting to them.

It’s so hard if you only see yourself as mum to imagine anything else but I’m sure your professional will support you with that.

OP, I have a 15yo. It's hard sometimes to watch her becoming more independent, but overall, I see it as a positive thing. It means that I have done my job properly. I am immensely proud of the young person that she is becoming and I want her to have her own life, pursue her own dreams. It's the natural order of things, and what we strive to achieve as parents.

It sounds like you've done a great job as a parent and your kids are maturing exactly as they should. They will still need you in the future but it will be different from before. What you now need to do is spend some time reflecting on your own life and what dreams and ideas you want to pursue apart from being a parent. Do you work or volunteer? Do you have hobbies? Do you spend time with friends and wider family?

My mum essentially fell apart when I left home. She had lost all sense of purpose and meaning because she had invested so much of her identity in being a mum to my sister and me. It was awful for her and pretty shit for us too as we felt guilty about getting on with our lives. As a result, I've always planned ahead for this time.

I will miss dd desperately when she leaves in a few years time, but I have a plan for my own life which will help to fill the void. For me, that means a bit more freedom with regard to my career (roles which involve more travel, for instance); more time for voluntary work (I'm already starting to build this up more as I have more free time); more time to invest in hobbies and interests (watching webinars, reading, exercising etc, and I was planning to join a choir before lockdown but that has had to be put on hold) and more time for my friends (I have been making a conscious effort to meet up with people more, to stay in touch etc).

It might look very different for you, but the point is, you need to have a plan. I started gradually building towards my new future a couple of years ago, when dd naturally started wanting to spend more time with her friends etc. I reckon that I will have created a full, enriching and purposeful life by the time she leaves home so that I won't feel that desperate emptiness that my mum felt, though dd will always be a much valued part of my life.

I'm sure you've given a lot to your family over the years. Now it's time to invest in you. In the long run, both you and they will benefit from this. So get dreaming!

Hi, I feel your pain. I have a separate thread running as I'm struggling too. My DS 17 went to do a summer job 120 miles away and has decided he's not coming home to complete his A levels and has found alternate studies and a job! All very sudden. I do feel your agony x

The best way to look at it is that you've made a success of bringing them up.

Think of all the people on here tearing their hair out because their 20-something can't keep a job or a relationship or a flat and spends all day in the room they'd hoped would be a spare room by now smoking weed.

Or all the people tearing their hair out because their parents insist on having input into their career, decor and parenting decisions.

If you don't want that to be you, there needs to be a point somewhere at which your hands-on role comes to an end.

My friends DS is that person who she tears her hair out at. Failed all exams, suffers bad mental health, can't hold down a job. We joke we wish we could have a DS half of hers and half of mine! 😂. My DS has very suddenly flown the nest completely out the blue, 2-3 hours away, he's very driven which is wonderful but also brings its own issues. So I get the fact that there is no perfect child, they all have their own issues. As parents each stage of life brings its own problems. I think back to when DS was small, I'm a single parent and I prayed for the day I had time to myself.... boy am I eating those words now! What I wouldn't give for him to be here now.