Anxiety and panic attacks

[worriedmum2000]

Have named changed for this but am a regular poster.

My 17yo daughter has just told me she's been having panic attacks and getting very anxious, but she can't really articulate what she's anxious about. It all came to a head tonight when I had to go and pick her up from an afternoon out with friends - she'd been sick and at first I thought she was drunk but she wasn't (although she had been drinking). She was hyper-ventilating, shivering, couldn't stop crying. She's also admitted that she hasn't been sleeping properly.

I don't know what to do to help her. She has a stable home and lots of lovely friends. She doesn't get on very well with her dad, and as a result doesn't see him much. He has been known to tell her he's disappointed in her and he ruins her self esteem. But during lockdown she didn't see him for 12 weeks and I remember her saying to me that her mental health had been so much better.

I know the current situation hasn't helped anyone's mental health but I feel like it could be more than that and I don't know how to fix it.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Just to add, I've been prone to anxiety myself since menopause, but not to the extent that I have panic attacks.

Does no one have experience of this?

I have suffered panic attacks since my teens (although I didn't know what they were then), and DD has suffered them since being raped at 16, but she was incessantly bullied at school for "being different ", and it now affects her adult life.

You need to see your GP, your DD may not want you there (and this is no criticism of your motherhood), just sometimes the fear of upsetting a parent clams the child up.

How is she in normal life? Her self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect? How is her immediate friendship group?

Given her age, she is likely to be referred for a counselling approach rather than medication, although psychiatrists do prescribe to youngsters especially where the risk of psyche damage, or self-harm, is high. If you can afford it, I'd recommend to go private as NHS waiting lists were long pre-Covid and substantially worse now.

Her father sounds like an utter twat. Sooner or later, I'd think your DD will cull him from her life.

Thanks for your reply. She is outwardly confident and has good friends, which is why this is a bit of a shock to me. I think her dad has a lot to answer for. He was abusive and controlling to me and I see the same patterns emerging. But she insists on seeing him because she loves her step sister and wants to see her. I've told her she can do that without seeing her dad but he hassles her to see him. He wasn't in touch with her yesterday at all though so I don't understand what has triggered this. She said she hasn't told me before as she didn't want to worry me. My mum is ill at the moment as well, so I have a fair bit on my plate.

You need to get her counselling. If you can afford it, consider paying for private.

Some problems are too hard without professional help.

In immediate terms, support you can offer includes making time for charts about emotions, a promise to come and pick her up no questions asked, encourage a healthy diet and exercise etc. But really try to get her the professional support.

Chats about emotions, not charts (although part of my anxiety managing is daily mood charts...)

I feel like I've been neglecting her, working from home full time and leaving her to her own devices. But sometimes that's what she wants, to be holed up in her room.

I've cleared my morning and when she wakes up I'm going to talk to her. She wasn't in a fit state last night.

Thanks for your advice.

For those of you who have suggested therapy, where do I start looking for a reputable therapist and how much should I expect to pay per session? I don't feel like there's any point in going down the GP route as the waiting lists are horrendous.

Start with the GP, unless you have access to it another way (my employer gives us access to a helpline to find services like this). You can ask for a local private recommendation as well as NHS referral, and she can go on the waiting list for the latter (can always turn it down if she is recovering well when she teaches the top of it)

Also try the general young people's local support and her college.

My daughter (18) has anxiety - moderate I would say. We have now engaged a therapist (second run of therapy, first was a few years ago and rubbish she said!) and she’s on medication now - a bit early to have helped yet on the meds front but she likes the therapist and she’s helping.
We have private insurance so we took that route but I would’ve paid if necessary. She was resistant to therapy for ages but finally relented a few weeks ago.
Def start w GP though, we did. I tried to help her myself with suggestions of mindfulness, exercise etc but she never took it on board, but listens to a professional.

i suffered panic attacks and GAD. from my early twenties. Firstly alcohol and caffeine do not help. A healthy diet and exercise do.(eating regularly I found was very important ) water is extremely essential. I am not implying anything here, this is just my experience.

often recommended on MN is a book called self help for your nerves by Dr claire weekes. I think it saved my life.

you said she can't articulate what she is anxious about..But personally I couldn't either because there was no one thing.

It is overcomeable.

I dont mean this unkindly, bu iis was my DD and I admit I always think the worst (as I did most things as a teenager), I would wonder if -

They had been smoking anything yesterday?

I would want to know what she had been drinking as well.

Do you think the staying up in her room has anything to do with someone bullying/saying things online to her & she actually saw them yesterday? By this I mean a male as well as a female?

The other thing about her dad is he hassles her to see him

She is old enough to be a parent herself know, so he needs ro respect her choice and back off with the pressure of what HE WANTS!

And what everyone else said as well

It's often an unsettled time of life? Does she know what she wants to do? How does she do at school?
It's good that she has told you. Maybe you need to find out a bit more about how she is feeling and what she would like to do.
Is she on the pill? Do hormones make a difference. Does She eat and sleep ok?

Sorry just to add. over the years I have learnt that the physical and mental can not be separated.
also had I been offered counselling and medication when I first started having panic attacks I wouldn't have been able to start using them.,They would have induced the very thing the sort to cure.

@gingercatsarebest I did ask the question re whether she had taken anything and she said no. I believe her. Her circle of friends just don't do that kind of thing. She'd had a bit to drink but no more than I've seen her drink before but agree this could have triggered something.

Regarding her dad, she's there for a couple of nights now and she ended up having to tell him about the panic attacks as she was subdued and he started teasing her about being hungover and wouldn't let it drop. He's now hassling me asking why she's anxious, what's causing it, etc etc. I've told him to leave her alone and that I'm dealing with it but he won't let it drop. He's an utter twat and if I start saying that he's a big part of the problem he will deny it and hassle her all the more. He thinks he's dad of the year but he's a controlling arsehole. I just wish she would take the decision to stop seeing him. She knows she has that choice, I've told her over and over again.

Re school she did well in GCSE's and is expected to do well in her A levels. She knows what degree she wants to do. But I think she feels pressure (not from me) to get into her first choice of university.

She's not on the pill and has never had a boyfriend (that I'm aware of).

Hi. I think people do look for a specific reason for anxiety and yes of course there sometimes is but sometimes it is just non specific.
17 can be tough anyway. ...but with pandemic it is causing many people anxiety. I know she is not doing A levels this year but it's been such a mess it will cause anxiety. .it will have a knock on effect next year most likely.

Private therapy costs £60-£80 per hour in my experience (South East, not London).
How you find the right person is beyond me unless you can get someone by personal recommendation.