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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Any 13/14 year olds not allowed to have Snapchat or Instagram?

28 replies

bendmeoverbackwards · 17/08/2020 11:37

My youngest dd is 13 and a half. I'm quite strict about social media and up to now have only allowed her to use WhatsApp and (very recently) Tik Tok.

She has been asking for a while for Instagram and Snapchat but I'm wary. Instagram - I'm worried about the negative effect on mental health people posting 'perfect' photos etc. Already my dd is not liking her body and saying she is fat.

But on the other hand, I don't want to distance her from her peers.

What does everyone else do?

OP posts:
hellypad · 17/08/2020 13:10

Mine has both, it's how she communicates with her friends she would be really isolated without them. She hates WhatsApp as she kept getting added to group chats all the time which she wasn't interested in.

thewalrus · 17/08/2020 14:40

DD, 13 1/2 has Instagram - seems to mostly use it as a messaging app, it's the preferred communication tool among her friends. She has pretty robust self-esteem for a teenager, but I do worry about the stuff you've mentioned too.
No Snapchat here (heard too many horror stories about its use for bullying), or TikTok.
It's a minefield isn't it.

RoseMartha · 17/08/2020 14:41

13 yr old only has whatapp and tiktok.

hercatsanddogs · 17/08/2020 14:44

Honestly just let her have it she's only young once and it's gruelling for her to realise she'll be doing gcse work soon and isnt allowed Instagram. If all her friends have it let her it's hard to feel left out and sometimes there's even joshing from other because she doesn't have it

GhostTypeEevee · 17/08/2020 14:58

Ds 14 has Instagram but not Snapchat. He ended up getting Instagram as it's the main messaging tool his friends use. Before lockdown he missed out on a last minute sleepover as it was all organised over Instagram and that gave him the push to get it.

Him and his friends don't really post pics though

Feellikedancingyeah · 17/08/2020 16:32

Our DS doesn't have either. They are not necessary. Both full of nasty content and he can use phone calls/texts to contact friends

PocketClap · 17/08/2020 16:46

My teen has them. She is quite confident and we discuss what she sees/who she follows/permanence of what you post/the marketing/the fakeness.

For her, I think she would have more MH issues from being left out socially if I didn’t let her have them. But that is me knowing her (and knowing she doesn’t tell me everything Grin). She and her little school friends got tic toc when it was called MusicLy and they were much much younger. It was very benign in those days.

The DSs play video games with their friends online (for context, we are in a second lockdown) - we talk a lot about strangers not being who they say they are etc. Again, we have a close relationships and talk often about the game and who is doing what in it.

PocketClap · 17/08/2020 16:51

I should also mention my teen DD has a physical disability and I don’t want to make it harder for her to ‘fit in’ by denying SM to her.

Also, my parents were quite strict with me when I was a teen, I made me deceive them to keep up with my peers. I don’t want my DCs to be like that. We are all very close and I try to trust them to be sensible.

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 17/08/2020 16:55

It was very benign in those days

I disagree. My dd also wanted Musical.ly around Year 6 time but I said no as I had heard too many horror stories. I felt very uncomfortable about any SM for children or young teens. But I know I can't say no forever, I want to hold off for as long as possible to allow maturity to develop. But I do worry about the body dysmorphia issue especially with girls.

OP posts:
Travelban · 17/08/2020 23:27

My ds1 has just turned 14. He had Snapchat for a brief time when he was 12 but hated it and removed it himself. He has two Instagram accounts, one for a hobby and one personal but he was laughing tonight thst he has over 100 requests as he never uses it. He isn't much of a social media enthusiast. His brother is 12 and has never asked.

Dd is 15 and has had Snapchat and Instagram and has huge amount of interaction over social media. Different children, different usage.. But I am pretty relaxed about it.

Fillybuster · 17/08/2020 23:32

My teen dcs (15 & 12) have only got WhatsApp. I know their friends are all on Snapchat and instagram but have serious reservations about both. To be fair, they have agreed with me on this in private, and both expressed some relief that they can blame me (to their friends) for not being allowed on there rather than having to deal with all the hassle of posting and staying up to date. I’m sure that will change at some point, but I do generally feel that the less social media they have to deal with, the better, especially at the moment.

ToLongNow · 17/08/2020 23:35

Out of all of them tiktok is worse imo

Aramox · 18/08/2020 06:27

14y o has both, and tiktok. Seems to use ig and tiktok most , both to communicate with friends and comment/ mindless scroll on content related to his interests. I can’t imagine banning an app at this age unless it was being misused.

Noneformethanks · 18/08/2020 06:29

Tiktok and snapchat are the two I’d worry about most tbh.

TeenTraumaTrials · 18/08/2020 09:27

This is one that is a double edged sword. Instagram is out of favour pretty much with my DD's peers now - they mostly use Snapchat. We have had all sorts of problems but if you don't let your teens get them they WILL get left out of things as that is how teens organise their social lives. We know this from bitter experience of DD being left out of a number of things before she got either despite us saying time and time again, if they are real friends they will include you anyway - and they very much didn't (and were later proven not to be good friends at all, but that is another story .....).

flyinglizard · 28/10/2020 19:36

My DD is 12 and is allowed WhatsApp, TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat. She doesn't use Snapchat that much and only really uses Instagram for messaging people she does not want to tell her phone number to.

RosaBaby2 · 28/10/2020 19:45

Almost 13yo ds isn't allowed any social media other than whatsapp, he hates me for it but I would rather that, I know how it can be misused so he can just moan all he likes.

Mama1980 · 28/10/2020 19:58

Nope my 13 year old doesn't have any, nor has he asked for it. He uses the house phone if he wants to speak to his friends, no issue.

MoiraNotRuby · 28/10/2020 20:06

IMO they are all much of a muchness. You can take the stance of

One extreme - nothing: Don't let them on anything

Middle ground: Supervise their phone use, know their passwords and encourage conversation about online safety

Other extreme - independence: Give them free reign to do whatever they want to

As they get older they will move from nothing to independence, and its a hard job parenting them along the way whilst the middle ground keeps shifting. But don't get hung up on 'this app is safe, this app is dangerous'.

MrsRusselBrand · 29/10/2020 00:52

I allowed my dd 13 on all of them on the proviso I could check her phone any time . Total nightmare ensues of her being dragged in to a load of MH issues from others , leading to her convincing herself she has MH issues in order to help / support others . She now only has WhatsApp , she has come back to the person she was before and I am so relieved. It's so damaging , and they become hooked . Especially as during lockdown it was a lifeline .

AugieMarch · 29/10/2020 00:58

As a tiktok user, I’d say it’s at least as bad as Instagram if not worse for body confidence and inappropriate content. I think you need to focus more on supervising usage and giving her the confidence to speak to you about any problems that arise rather than the specific platforms.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 29/10/2020 01:35

I try to strike the middle ground that @MoiraNotRuby mentions. I did hold out for a while with DD(15) but without SnapChat she was genuinely missing out on interaction with her friends so I let her have it last year. I keep an eye on things and she’s sensible with SM. She’s seen other people getting in trouble for posting inappropriate photos and online bullying- it was reported to the school and they got in a lot of trouble. She doesn’t get caught up in online drama.

Personally I prefer to be somewhat relaxed as being too strict can backfire as well. One of DD’s friends isn’t allowed to do anything much and she’s told DD that she can’t wait to go to university and get away from her parents. She feels stifled.☹️

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 29/10/2020 01:36

Tiktok is daft. DD sends me the odd one that’s supposed to be funny and they seldom are. Most of it is garbage!

MrsRusselBrand · 29/10/2020 10:17

Also , be aware that Snapchat is hard to monitor . Messages are deleted either straight after being read or after 24 hours unless the user sets them to save ( which most kids won't ) ! Agree with PP about tik tok , it's a terrible platform for everything negative , and once you show an interest in a particular genre or subject , the algorithm then shows you more and more content related to it . The kids are then bombarded with it . Also very few restrictions , look a that poor man a couple of months back who shot himself in the head live , that was sent round tik tok like wildfire and disguised as a video about puppies Shock

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 29/10/2020 10:20

My dd has it. She’s 14. I make her big brother monitor it..