Feeling disappointed

[wizzyblue]

Have namechanged for this as I feel so ashamed. I feel like this is my dirty secret - being disappointed in my DS .

I can't really talk to anyone about it in RL as it's something people don't really talk about. I love my DS more than anything but he is not not very academically intelligent. He just about gets by but I am really panicking about when he starts A levels in September. He has chosen a weird mix but they are the only ones he might have a chance of passing.

I have a DSD and she was the model child, always passed everything with flying colours and his cousins are the same. I get so sick of everyone talking about how clever their kids are and what they want to do when they leave Uni etc etc...

He has zero dress sense, we try to give him a few pointers but he is really stubborn. He will go out in the most ridiculous colour combo but think he looks great.

Trying to have a conversation sometimes is so frustrating. He says the most idiotic things that don't make sense. He can also be really annoying and do things just to wind us up because he thinks its funny. If he tells a joke, he always get it wrong and if he makes one up, it just doesn't make sense.

I have asked myself if it's what others might think. I suppose there is a bit of that but my main worry is that he will never succeed at anything.

DH and I have talked about it and we have agreed he might not have one of the professions everyone else aspires to eg doctor, lawyer, pilot etc but as long as he's happy and does something he enjoys that all that matters. We try to focus on the positive and build up his self-esteem. He is aware he's not an A+ student. I have said it doesn't matter to me that he gets As, Bs etc as long as he passes and works hard. But actually, he doesn't....he is a bit lazy too and spend far to much time on his playstation. We were about to restrict it for his study leave but then of course, lockdown happened. He was absolutely delighted his exams were cancelled. Most kids who are academic are devastated.

I know I'm wrong to feel disappointed, he is unique and he will find his way (I hope) but when you have that tiny baby you have such high hopes for them.

Don't even know what I want to hear really, just needed to offload. Please be gentle!!

I think you have to think who your son really is.

He is clearly not a mainstream good looking popular academic aimed for a RG university and work in a solicitors.

But who is he?

So:

Should he really be doing A levels anyway?
Would he be better off doing a Level 3 Extended Diploma BTEC?

(Also no chance he has dyspraxia or Autism or similar is there? My DD seems to have similar social issues and has dyspraxia. She often doesn't quite 'get' the flow of a conversation, and chooses clothes because she likes them with no concept of whether they fit together.)

What sort of GCSE grades is he predicted?
What are his skills / interests?

He can't be too bad academically if he planning on doing A levels.
Just because he is not like his cousins
Has he good friends and happy

I'm glad a PP has mentioned autism, as that was the first thing that popped to mind when you said about the dress sense, the jokes etc. I'm not trying to diagnose across the Internet of course but might be worth doing a bit of research into that? If he does have it, he may be able to get extra support while he studies his A-Levels.

I feel sad for him.
Why be disappointed?
He is quirky and different.
At least he's not dull or boring
He sounds lovely actually

TeenPlusTwenties - he is popular and of course, he's my DS, so I think he's very goodlooking

No I don't think he is autistic, I considered that when he was younger and he only ticks maybe two of the very minor traits for dyspraxia. He loves sport and is co-ordinated.

I always try to focus on who he is and what he's good at and think about what field who could go into and talk to him about it to give him ideas.

Fanstar - he is lovely and has a good sense of humour and doesn't give us much trouble thank God.

It's almost like he is quite innocent and is not very mature. It's like he is about 10 in a 16 year old body - although sometimes he can seem mature.

He just lives in a fantasy world where he thinks he will get good grades and get an amazing job paying shedloads of money. He talks about "when I have my porsche, when I have my mansion".

He seems too young for his age. We went through the whole "do you think college could be an option?" but he refused to even think about it and wouldn't talk about it or go and see any. He seemed terrified to leave his school where he knew everyone. I'm v scared he will fail he A levels .

A lot of it is coming from worry for him but also I suppose envy of parents whose kids seem to breeze through their exams collecting high marks. I know I'm generalising, but it feels like everyone I know has really bright kids.

You say he is a bit immature for his age (can relate with one of my DS) so perhaps he needs a lot of cajoling and support with his studies?

Not every child is an independent learner from a young age or has the maturity to choose work over the xbox...

If you think he needs to work harder, there is nothing wrong with pushing and encouraging, I certainly found that with one or two of mine. I would even say that I have had to become strict with one of them as I realised the maturity just hadn't arrived.

I do get thr disappointment as I keep hearing of kids who 'have never done much work' and breeze through very high grades. I don't have any like that, even the one with a ridiculously high IQ really does need to put the graft in as his grades do and will slip if he doesn't.

Travelban, thanks for the post and the acknowledgement of how I'm feeling. Only this morning, I went on FB to see a friend had posted about her DD's amazing results and the fact she was off to a top Uni. It's like a punch in the guts. I wrote a nice post but inside I just feel a heaviness and I admit, envy.

I'm dreading/trying to stay cautiously optimistic about next week and the fact that DS's grades might even be downgraded.

wizzy Sorry, I sounded really rude, I didn't mean to be.

If he is popular despite his conversation skills they can't be as bad as all that otherwise people would give up on him.

I hope his GCSE results are OK, but if he isn't getting a decent handful of 6s I really would think again re college.

(I think the press has done a number on the public re 'results being downgraded'. Results are UP despite teachers' predictions from some schools being so high they were moderated downwards.)

I have to say he sounds quite like mine, who does have dyspraxia and autism (he is sporty too). In the last year or so he has matured hugely so don't give up hope. Mine won't be going off to a RG uni any time soon but I am sure he will find his way. I'm dreading results day too though.

He sounds like my adorable, gorgeous little brother, who is still like a 12 year old at 40, in some ways, but warm, kind, and a wonderful husband and father. This is in contrast to my academically elite big brother who’s children hardly know him

16 is still young for a boy and he may well mature later. I'd focus on teaching and encouraging responsibility and organisational skills for now.

I suppose envy of parents whose kids seem to breeze through their exams collecting high marks.

In twenty years of teaching, children who can do that across the range of subjects are very, very rare. Far more frequently, those high achieving students work consistently hard throughout their time at school. They have learned good study habits. They have similar friendship groups and will spend some breaks testing each other or talking about the topics. And they read.

A-Levels are difficult and require good study habits. Has he explored all his options, ready for next week? Or was he just focused on A-levels.

Well at least he isn't boring. And wouldn't the world be dull without the individuals.

I went to a VI form at a boy's school, about 1/2 the boys there just didn't want to leave school so went into VI form.

When he talks about the Porsche and mansion do you ask how he is going to get there?

there are some fab jobs for those quirky people who don't fit a mould, testing waterslides, creating dog food flavours, diving in Amsterdam's canals for bikes or going to weddings in Japan.

His future might not be conventional but I'm sure he'll have fun.

You need to stop looking at other people's children, OP!

My son (now 20) was in many ways similar to yours at that age, except perhaps cynical and disenchanted with life rather than naïve. He did badly enough in his GCSEs to have to resit maths 3 times to get a pass (in the end we paid a former classmate of his to tutor him).

His relatively poor GCSE results meant he was unable to do the A-levels he had wanted to. He started on a rather motley collection at a Sixth Form college with a good reputation. After a year, he realised this wasn't working so transferred to a more local college to do a BTEC programme instead. Here he did much better but again realised the career choice he had originally thought of was not for him: not because he wasn't prepared to work for it, but for reasons which were very genuine.

He is currently working at KFC and looking for apprenticeships, though not easy to come by in a pandemic.

Thing is- I'm proud of him! He has grown into a mature young man who works hard at the work he was able to find. I don't believe this is the end to his learning or that this is the job he will end up doing for the rest of his life, but it is a start. If he can do this well and not give up, he will find something better. I equally do not believe he would ever have been lawyer or a doctor material. He doesn't need to be. Over the last few years, he has learnt to work, he has found his adult self, he has accepted responsibility for his life.

Thank you for all your replies, I do really appreciate the time you've taken to post.

JulesCobb - He is just focused on A levels and wants to go to Uni. He doesn't have good study habits. He thinks he just do a bit of revision and hes "done loads". When he revises, he's got books and papers all over the room with no organisation but says he prefers it that way. I try to help him by organising everything into piles and I bought study guides and flashcards but unless I made him sit down with them, he wouldn't have bothered to look at them. He wants to do the minimum and really doesn't put in much effort. Tbh, I don't think he has a clue about how hard you need to work to pass exams. He got really stressed out before lockdown about his exams and when they were cancelled he was very happy.

He hates reading, he prefers fact books or anything to do with SAS types (but non - fiction) and it will take him ages to read one book. But it's a rare occurrence.

sashh - he talks about the fact he's going to have loads of money and buy this and that. When I ask him where this money will come from he'll say "from my bank account". I do dig deeper with him but it always go back to working hard, getting the grades etc. to which he replies "I know"

DH is an alpha male type. We both love our DS to bits and would do anything to help him but he is losing patience and they are starting to argue a lot. Mainly about the playstation. He spends hours a day on it. I know its not ideal. I suppose I've buried my head in the sand about it. I feel like it's his way of being social and we live in a rural area so it's hard for him to meet anyone unless I take him. DH says we should have got him some textbooks for A level. I'm like "what teenage boy wants to spend the holidays reading textbooks?" Then he says I'm too soft. If he do try and get him to anything else, he mopes around and moans or just watches TV. He sleeps for 12-13 hours a night (which I know teenagers do!) but it's like he has no energy.

He will go out if invited. He will never arrange anything. Despite being popular, there is a shyness underneath about arranging a meet-up which again, I think goes back to lack of maturity.

DH and I have had another chat this morning. He just keeps saying "He's just not very bright". But it's that coupled with the maturity of a young boy and complete inability to understand how the world works.
I was in tears - We both find it really hard to deal with our feelings of disappointment and wonder whether we should have had him privately assessed when he was younger. School did tell us after a test that he had sensory processing problems and was on the borderline for dyslexia.

I think that people blossom at different ages , some people need to grow into their personalities. You can't change him or find that motivation for him. He may find it he may not. But he does need your support and to feel it is ok to be himself. Don't compare to others, some are wildly successful at school but that is their pinnacle. It's hard but try and play the long game. If he starts to feel he's not good enough that will affect him greatly.

It's not too late for assessments, I know people who have been diagnosed with dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADHD etc at college and beyond. But your DS would have to engage with the process.

OP, my ds is very much the same with books. I'm an academic, I know very well how hard university is for young people who don't like to get through large amounts of reading. I see students who push themselves into university because of their parents' expectations but then totally go to pieces when they get there because it was never the right environment for them. I am very glad ds has not chosen to do this.

One thing we were very clear about with ds is that he would have to do something once he finished school. Either further study or an apprenticeship or a job. Doesn't matter which but you will be doing one of these things and you will simply carry on applying until you get something. And if you work, you will be contributing to family finances like any other adult of the house. You will also contribute to the running of the household.

This very practical approach took away the idea that it's get top results or your life is over. Your life won't be over, you will go out and do something. I think there is a risk for teens who know their ability is not that high to get so stuck in the "nothing matters except top results" that they just bury their heads in the sand and resort to magical thinking.

One thing to know, is that if after a year of A levels he is 'failing' at them, he could switch to a 2 year BTEC and it be fully funded.
If he does 2 years of A levels and comes out with 3Es, he can't (I think).

lowbudgetnigella I totally agree with you. DH has said some things in frustration and it has def affected him. My DS doesn't think he's good enough for him. I talk to DH about the effect this can have. I have said we need to concentrate on the good and really build him up which we do whenever we can.

Easilydelighted I have mentioned before to DS about having an assessment. He goes absolutely crazy and starts crying. He doesn't want to be labelled or seen as "different". I think forcing him to having an assessment would only compound his feeling of "not being enough". One of his teachers suggested a laptop for classwork but he outright refused. He said only the special needs children have them. I have tried to tell him there is no shame, it gives him a better chance but to no avail.

corythatwas We don't mind if he doesn't go the University. We just want him to work hard and do his best at whatever he chooses. I am not pushing him to get top marks, I think he'll probably get 4,5 and 6s and that's fine. What I get frustrated with is his belief he will just get A levels and go to Uni and then he'll get an amazing job and earn lots of money. It just doesn't work like that - but he has no idea!

TeenplusTwenties thank you - I will look into that. I think I need to make sure we have all the info to be able to make an informed decision if things don't go the way he's expecting.

That's a great idea, build up the good and maintain self esteem (although sounds like that is ok). At the moment we are all stuck together with less other things going on and it's a bit intense. Focus on something else maybe, he sounds great. He'll get there

What I get frustrated with is his belief he will just get A levels and go to Uni and then he'll get an amazing job and earn lots of money. It just doesn't work like that - but he has no idea!

I used to find this frustrating too. My point was more that actually it made no difference what ds may have thought at age 16. Now that he is an adult he has to stand behind that till doing that job quite regardless. Just stay calm and insist on the ground rules: he will soon be an adult and have to take responsibility.