Sleepover request at a new friend's house for 15 yo DD

[MollynAlly]

AIBU or what! My DD recently made a new friend, she goes to the mixed secondary my DD goes to the girls school! Our town is pretty small so many people know each other and the teens know/meet each other via social media through friends of friends etc. So she met her new friend a few times since lockdown eased up and now she asked my DD for a sleepover at her dad's house ( mum and dad split up and remarried, she has a step brother at her dad's house) who also lives very local to us! So, we both said a big fat NO! As we don't know her, her mum or dad-never met and yet she has a step brother who is 16- I am picturing many scenarios in my mind but of course DD is very upset as they want to bond but our response will be no until we meet her and eventually meet her parents! Do you agree?

I'd be the same OP! Too much crime drama and worrying about paedophiles! But both of mine are under 3yo atm.

It's evident that we can't watch over and protect them forever, but I will whilst they're little!

This is the part of parenting id find the hardest. Letting go!
I would let her go but I'd ask for the parents phone number and to have a chat before it happens (can say just checking due to covid or something).
Can't believe how nasty some people are being! I think you're worrying about the worst and unlikely event but also it's not a crime to want to protect your kids! Xx

@zdjg

This is the part of parenting id find the hardest. Letting go! I would let her go but I'd ask for the parents phone number and to have a chat before it happens (can say just checking due to covid or something). Can't believe how nasty some people are being! I think you're worrying about the worst and unlikely event but also it's not a crime to want to protect your kids! Xx

Thank you so much! Finally someone can see from my point of view! Maybe I watch too much news etc and I know I should let go, she is our only child and I worry about things I cannot help it! It is nothing to do with parents split up and having new families, this is of course not something to be worried about or an older brother I guess it is the fact that as many of the above said this but I am not used to this-not knowing the parents! I know all of then parents of my DD's friends and they know us and she has a large friendship group mixture of girls and boys- so I am not that bad! I guess this is a new stage for me to accept that I might not know all parents after all

The two households together I would assume would be reserved for people you know really well and therefore trust have been sticking to guidelines?

I would let her go. My DD15 has been to sleepovers loads....yes I know we have a pandemic before anybody jumps on me....and I think I have met the parents of one of them and that's only because it was a friend she has had since primary 7. Not even phoned to say hi. I have of course dropped her off and picked her up so know where they live, but she is 15 not 5.

Covid aside - I found that the start of secondary school made a huge difference in terms of knowing parents etc and essentially you have to choose whether to go with the protective instinct that feels like your child sleeping in strangers' houses is risky, or with letting your child develop those relationships etc. I think you've been lucky to get this far without the situation arising!
I make sure I have an address and the kids charge their phones and will make at least brief text contact with parents. I've also mad eit clear I'll pick them up any time, day or night, no fuss and have done so on one occasion. But essentially I want my kids to go out in the world with confidence and not feeling anxious or suspicious of people and that feels more important to me.

I’m going to make the assumption that you did a great job in parenting your daughter to have good friendship skills and to make good friendship choices. You will have also been a good parent who she can talk too and who would rescue her should she make a phone call - you could even give her a safe word text - Hi MOTHER - means come get me!!
I have an almost 16 year old boy and like most of his friends are clumsy and awkward around girls. I doubt he’d even say hello or be in the same room - DS finds girls confusing and annoying. For now.

'thewalrus' and 'bluebellsgreenbells' thank you for your constructive comments. My DD knows she can call me any time in any situation, we are always clear on that. We have spoken about this as I also never want her to think of evil of the people first but I told my worry is that she only has met her new friend twice so far and I am not comfortable with a sleepover when I haven't even seen her once! Her friend also understood and said her parents are the same! I also told my DD that if she is hanging out with this friend that I am sure she is lovely and a great friend. So, they found a solution her dad will bring her to ours sometime this week to hang out and the following week to arrange a sleepover at her dad's.
'bluebellsgreenbells' my DD thinks girls have too much drama in their friendships and gossiping and finds the friendship of boys much easier, her best mates are a mixture of two girls and three boys! She says she can be herself with boys as they are not judging but girls do a lot!

I have a dd precisely the same age as yours, and my dd does do sleepovers often with school friends - and I don't know the parents at all beyond a quick hello. We have just had one of her friends here for the whole weekend - and parents never met before the sleepover.

BUT, if they have only met twice then I feel it is a bit too soon? They don't actually know each other at all, I am not even sure I would classify someone I had met only twice as a friend full stop.

So if it were me, I would ask her to go to the house first to hang out (you can pick her up and hopefully meet one of the parents briefly) before she commits to a whole sleepover.

Failing that I would have a phone call in advance with the father on the grounds of covid, and decide after that.

We have got around the covid issue by having the teens camp in the garden! It is a tricky age, they definitely need independence, but they are still quite vulnerable.

'Friendsoftheearth' I totally agree with you! My point from the start is the fact that they only met twice in the last few weeks before then they developed friendship over social media! I think better to be precautious than cry later! As you said and I have read this in many books raising kids etc that it doesn't matter if they are 5 or 15 they are still children, can be vulnerable and they still need guidance and structure. That's we decided on they will hang out this week and next week we are off anyway, I said to her no rush for a sleepover yet I am not saying NO but you have lots of time later as well. She is OK with this, phew!

I think its too soon and she should get to know her friend a lot better.
I had a very bad experience at a sleepover with the 15 year old brother and know at least one other child suffered the same there. I know it's rare but it does happen. We were 12 at the time, so younger than your daughter and no one had mobile phones. I think you are right to still be cautious.

I think that is a good compromise, what is the rush for a sleepover?! Ask her to take her time to get to know her new friend properly. Hopefully you can learn more about the family in the meantime, and will feel more comfortable about her going off alone.

I am quite relaxed with my teens, and they can do whatever they want to do within reason, but I have never agreed with some views that once they are a teenager your job is done and no input is now necessary. Teens at this age, generally need more guidance and support than at any time before!
They can find themselves in situations of risk, danger and you can't be expected to cover every eventuality when raising them. I am very much still caring and looking after my teens, I am still a big part of their lives - and they talk to me a lot about everything. Part of growing up is showing some caution and discretion when hooking up with new people, learning to take your time in all relationships not just new friends. Not everyone is 'lovely' although most people are, not all intentions are pure, although most are.

I am sure you will become more comfortable once your dd's friendship with her new friend has developed. Bonding does not depend on sleepovers it usually evolves over time and organically.

OP as a minimum I would speak to the friend's Dad and check that he or his partner are definitely going to be there. And that they sound sensible.

I would also feel concerned if I had absolutely no knowledge of the family at all. Do you know anyone who knows them? I think I would encourage more contacts before a sleepover.

Let her go to about 11pm then go pick her up.

'Friendsoftheearth' very much agree with your approach. Maybe I come across as very strict with no sense but I am not really! We always have had and still have a very open relationship with our DD, she knows she can come and talk to us about anything - and she does talk to us about anything. I know I cannot in any way protect her from everything that potentially could happen but my thinking is, if I have an opportunity to prevent it-I will! Luckily, my DD is emotionally more mature than her peers, I trust her judgement of people but saying that she could come up with some silly things sometimes and this makes me think-she is still a child! I guess it is as difficult for them as well as it is for us, parents- we are both trying to adjust with them entering into the adult world now from being a little girl yesterday- especially with this pandemic it is extra extra difficult for all of us! I think the sleepover is put in the shelf for now until they get to know each other more and she agrees with this- when talking things through she can see our point better and makes sense to her, which is great

I am glad you have agreed on the way forward, it makes it so much easier when they are on board!

The one thing I have learnt is that sleepovers takes on a whole new meaning after the age of 14/15 for some! You definitely need to know the parents, need to know they intend to be at home when she stays, maybe their position on alcohol etc. Many a party/weekender has been pulled off by teens when parents have been away for a break with very mixed outcomes....lets just leave it at that - you are not wrong to be careful.....

*take

Thank you 'Friendsoftheearth' yes it is much easier when they are on board- agree with all of the things you said, very much of my thoughts but at least we have a good plan moving forward, which we are both happy with

I wouldn’t, not for a sleepover if I don’t know the other child or the parent... not worth the risk in my mind!

Lol at you are allowed to mix with one other household! I'm sure op has close friends and family she would rather mix with than with someone she's never met! It's not 'you are allowed to mix with another household, a different one every day'.

You are allowed to do that @Villanemme , maybe you just choose not to and that's upto you. I personally have chosen to allow DS to have one friend at a time, on two different occasions, because that's allowed

We allocate that friend his own bathroom and limit places he goes ( which he wouldn't anyway) so I can ensure it's clean before he arrives/after he leaves

@Villanemme

Maybe read up on the guidelines 🙄