family dynamics - children and their father

[cola2019]

My DH and children are constantly at each others throats. They have no respect for him he has no respect for them. He is autistic (undiagnosed) my son is also autistic (diagnosed). He found becoming a dad a huge culture shock and has never really bonded with them. He is never alone with them and rarely spends time with them. He finds them annoying and loud. As kids they were always naughty when he was around as they loved the reaction. His answer to this was to not really have anything to do with them. He thinks they are disrespectful and rude children with huge behavioural issues.

Now children are teenagers they realise that he doesn't like them so they constantly vy for his attention but this time by swearing and screaming abuse at him usually because he has something derogatory to them. As kids they just thought he was always busy. He sees the negative in everything they do so the teen who sleeps till 10 is a slob our son who is very quirky is weird. I ask him to look for the positives and maybe praise them once in a while but he says no way he will only ever speak nicely to them if they respect him and speak nicely to him first. He is now on AL and all they do is hurl insults and abuse at each other!!! It is like having 3 kids. He just says I undermine him as anything he asks them to do or not do they do the opposite just to get him to notice them. I have very little attitude or bad behaviour when they are with me. Why can't they all appreciate each other??? I just don't get it!! The kids should understand now as they are older to not push his buttons but he should know that as an adult if he became gave them a compliment once in a while it could make all the difference.

I don't think you can put this on the dc. They are just that - dc. Teens are already coping wtih finding their place in the world and all kinds of hormones. Your dh has clearly not understood how relationships work. It is interesting that you seem sure he has autism, but he hasn't acknowledged that might be the case.
By this late in the whole 'having dc' situation, I don't even know what to suggest. Do you talk about issues in your relationship / in the family dynamic ? How does he respond ? How does he take to someone explaining relationships and social situations to him ?

No idea why you think your teens should "appreciate" a man who has no time for them, only speaks to them to critisise them and doesn't really like them (or love them?). What's to appreciate? That he doesn't hit them too?

Your teens are works in progress - still growing and learning. Your dh is who he is and it isn't very nice. You won't change him. If I were you I'd be telling your teens that dad has some issues with expressing positive emotions so don't let what he says define you.

My son's best friend had a father like this - almost exactly. His wife finally divorced him when this kid was about 18. He has no relationship with his father and after a bit of stumbling along, neither does his younger brother. They both have horrible memories of their childhood tbh with their father's negativity dominating the whole house - despite enough money, a lovely mother, nice extended family and friends - his depressed negativity coloured everything. Their childhood home sold recently and I asked this guy (now 23) if he was a bit sad to see it go and he said "why would I be - I have no happy memories there". He loves his mum who was a great mother (she is a friend of mine) but endured a miserable time in his teens because he had a deeply inadequate father. he doesn't blame her but she could have ended the misery sooner and wishes she did.