How do I convince my stepdad that I'm not lying to him?

[Kyle19]

I was invited over to my sister's house last night, just because her and her friend were bored and they had no-one to talk to. I went over there, played some games with them, had a drink, then went to bed. I got home this evening and my stepdad asked me how many drinks I had whilst I was there. I told him I had one gin and lemonade, but he doesn't believe that I had only one drink in the four hours that I was there during the evening. I only had one as I had already been to the pub and had a fair bit (he knew about this). I have previous form for lying and that's why he doesn't believe me now but I don't know how to prove that in that respect I've learned from my mistakes. My mum believes me so now it's causing problems between them which is the last thing I want but one thing I won't do is change my story. He wanted the truth and that's what he's getting, he just refuses to believe it. How do I get him to?

Yes, I had a lot to drink before I went to my sisters but I was perfectly sober

That's not how alcohol works - you cannot drink a lot and be sober. Sober means zero alcohol in your blood stream.

Both occasions you have mentioned in this post would count as binge drinking - I suspect he's worried about you.

@Jargo

Yes, I had a lot to drink before I went to my sisters but I was perfectly sober

That's not how alcohol works - you cannot drink a lot and be sober. Sober means zero alcohol in your blood stream.

Both occasions you have mentioned in this post would count as binge drinking - I suspect he's worried about you.

But surely he'd be a lot calmer about the situation instead of just yelling at me all the time if he was genuinely worried about me? Shouting just makes things worse. He seems to be the only one who ever mentions it, nobody else. My mum does but to be honest I think she just goes by what he says and ignores her own thoughts/opinions.

I’m assuming you are not driving

No I don't drive. My mum and dad offered to pay for me to have lessons but I'd rather be more independent and wait until I can pay for it myself

What? I don't understand any of that tbh. You stayed over? But went home after 4hrs? You said you had 1 drink there, but had already clarified with him you'd had several at the pub previously? You're an adult so it's really none of his business? Is his job role part of the 'how many alcohol drinks have you had police'? Why as two adults is he 'monitoring' your alcohol consumption? Why as an adult do you feel the need to either confirm/deny if you've drank alcohol, and how much/little?

@Catsup

What? I don't understand any of that tbh. You stayed over? But went home after 4hrs? You said you had 1 drink there, but had already clarified with him you'd had several at the pub previously? You're an adult so it's really none of his business? Is his job role part of the 'how many alcohol drinks have you had police'? Why as two adults is he 'monitoring' your alcohol consumption? Why as an adult do you feel the need to either confirm/deny if you've drank alcohol, and how much/little?

I just meant that there was four hours left of the evening by the time I got there. I got there at 10 o'clock, we went to bed at 2. The fact that I had already had several drinks at the pub was specifically the reason why I only had one drink when I was with my sister and her boss. He just doesn't see it like that though.

@Catsup

What? I don't understand any of that tbh. You stayed over? But went home after 4hrs? You said you had 1 drink there, but had already clarified with him you'd had several at the pub previously? You're an adult so it's really none of his business? Is his job role part of the 'how many alcohol drinks have you had police'? Why as two adults is he 'monitoring' your alcohol consumption? Why as an adult do you feel the need to either confirm/deny if you've drank alcohol, and how much/little?

And I guess it's simply because I live under their roof so I have to abide by their rules and they've said multiple times that if I don't then I won't be welcome

The thing is, I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with sticking around to help your mum. But if they’re saying they need you to stick around to help out, (ie treating you like a responsible adult and needing you to stay) but simultaneously wanting you to stick to a tight my-house-my-rules regime, then that’s not going to work.

However people are often not rational. Try and negotiate your way to a better place. Can you say to your mum, listen, I’m really happy to be here to support you rather than moving out, but can you me and stepdad talk about me not getting the third degree every time I come home?

Also just remember that the whole world is under a lot of pressure at the moment, so many people are feeling seriously worried and frustrated and cooped up. I would NEVER normally give this advice, BUT - given there’s a pandemic and you can’t necessarily easily get a job and somewhere to live and your mum has been through a big op and your stepdad may not be responding well to any of these things, I would just try and stay calm and out of his way. And start planning for moving out when you can. 18 is a great age to live with mates and have a laugh.

It's just that he was the reason my sister moved out at 16. I didn't understand at the time, she said she felt like it would be better for her mental health if she didn't live here and it turns out she was absolutely right, she's a completely different person now. I feel exactly the same as sad she did

And I guess it's simply because I live under their roof so I have to abide by their rules and they've said multiple times that if I don't then I won't be welcome

Well yeah, unless you're paying rent/bills/food costs etc, you need to abide by their rules if you want to live in their house. You're an adult, if you don't like their rules you should move out and rent somewhere of your own.

We were on our way back from my mum and stepdad's wedding (they got married in a castle 3 hours away) a few weeks ago and we stopped at the petrol station on the way back. It was around about lunch time and I was the only one who didn't have the chance to get any breakfast as I woke up too late so was busy packing, so was quite hungry. So went into the petrol station and got myself a meal deal whilst my mum was putting petrol (didn't say anything to my stepdad, not sure what he thought I was doing). I just didn't realise until I came out that my mum had been in and bought everyone lunch. My mum shouted at me for it saying that I was being greedy (if I had known she was buying lunch I wouldn't have gone in). She told my stepdad and his response was "yeah well that's because he's a fat bastard".It was definitely not the kind of atmosphere any of us wanted to travel home in given that my mum had just got married. I just didn't say anything and got back in the car but after he said that I never said a word to either of them for the rest of the day so then I was getting shouted at for "sulking" (I'm not even sure what that is). I told my stepmum about this and she told my dad but nothing really was said about it any more. I understood why they were annoyed but I genuinely had no idea she was buying food and I made that clear to them so I did think it was uncalled for. Am I right to think that?

You don't need to do anything to prove it.

I don't have any advice about your actual situation better than what others have said, but -

1. You should really get a job now if you can. The older you get the more potential employers are going to be expecting to see on your resume, so when you have nothing it is going to be hard to get a job. I was working since the age of 13 so never had a problem but a friend from uni had huge difficulties getting a job when she finished and was unemployed for over a year. She was over qualified for any entry level type jobs eg petrol station attendant, McDonald's, grocery shop but did not have enough experience working for any kind of professional job.

1. You should really learn to drive ASAP. This is from personal experience. I didn't learn to drive as a teenager when I had access to mum and dad teaching me for free just because I couldn't really be bothered. And I didn't learn while at uni because I lived on campus in the middle of town and could get everywhere easily by bike or bus (plus having a car would be too expensive). Even later living in sharehouses I was quite close to the middle of town and still cycled everywhere. I tried to learn many times starting from my mid twenties and always ended up giving up having wasted hundreds of dollars on lessons (not living with family anymore I couldn't learn for free). I only eventually learned at the ripe old age of 31 and that was only because my sister was having a baby and I realised I would be of no help to her or be able to take my niece out places on a motorcycle (I had to be able to get to work and you could get your learners permit after a weekend course, learned at about age 28). It was bloody expensive learning 100% through paid lessons but I was determined not to give up even though it was scary and hard. If it wasn't for having nieces I probably still wouldn't be able to drive now. So my advice is take advantage of living at home and learn to drive while you can!!!! Even if you don't drive for a few years after getting your license, you could take a few professional lessons as a refresher later on when you do want to be able to drive and have your own car.