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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage relationship - a gift from a girlfriend

22 replies

BraverThanYouBel1eve · 09/08/2020 11:47

So my daughter is seeing this other girl and they are 'in a relationship'. Both are 13y old. I don't know if this girl's mum knows that this is a relationship rather than a friendship, it's likely that she doesn't. The girl was here yesterday and gave my daughter a slogan t-shirt as a gift which she now sleeps in.

Should I let her mum know? Say thank you perhaps, or something else? Keep out of it? WWYD?

OP posts:

Spied · 09/08/2020 11:49

Keep out if it.
It needs no input.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/08/2020 11:50

I would keep out of it OP. The girl's mother may not know shes gay and it is up to her daughter to tell her.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 09/08/2020 11:50

Stay out of it. Why would you possibly 'out' a child before she is ready?

Smeghead97 · 09/08/2020 11:52

Definitely keep out of it. I have been your daughter in this situation. Mum outed my gf to her mum and her mum didn't believe mine. Major argument ensued and me and he broke up

SummerHouse · 09/08/2020 11:52

I think it's up to the other girl who she tells. Why would you feel the need to tell her mum? Why is the gift a relevant factor? Not meaning to bombard you with questions but interested in your concerns as I don't think I would feel the same.

TheStuffedPenguin · 09/08/2020 11:53

Sexual preferences aside I would be very unhappy with my 13 year old having any relationship which is possibly sexual but then I'm old fashioned.

Smeghead97 · 09/08/2020 11:54

*her

Sssloou · 09/08/2020 11:56

What does your DD want to do? Has she already expressed thanks for her gift?

Would you thank the Mum if this was a heterosexual RS? Just reflect on your motivation - is this because you want an excuse to out the RS or to ensure the RS is known about by the other parents?

Why would you need to thank the parents? The GF likely has her own savings which she spent.

How comfortable are you with your DDs emerging sexuality? Do you need to come to terms with it? Does your DD want you to do this? Have you discussed this with her?

Bunnymumy · 09/08/2020 11:59

Wouldn't let my 13 year old have a relationship either tbh. With a boy or a girl.

But no I wouldn't tell the other mother about it. I think if you are letting it happen then its hypocritical to mess with it in other ways. As if you are hoping the other mother will put her foot down when really, you should.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 09/08/2020 12:02

Wouldn't let my 13 year old have a relationship either tbh. With a boy or a girl.

You can't stop your 13yo having a relationship, you can only stop your 13yo being able to speak to you about any issues because they are hiding it from you.

year5teacher · 09/08/2020 12:07

As a PP said, reflect on your motivation to tell her parents. Is it because you feel uncomfortable with the idea of your DD having a relationship at 13? It’s highly likely it’s not a proper “relationship”. Is it because you’re uncomfortable with her having one with a girl?
You have to accept that if you tell her gf’s parents, that this could cause a lot of fall out for her. Presumably you don’t know her family situation and how they would react. It’s not always safe to “out” someone.
Frankly I would treat this like any other relationship... I’d have a chat with my DD if it was me and I would let her know that some things that come with relationships aren’t appropriate until you’re older and more equipped to deal with them and make informed choices. Let her know you’re there for her, and that you’re happy she is happy with this girl. It’s important she feels empowered enough to a) make informed decisions, b) trust her own judgement with relationships and c) come to you if she needs to. That is what I would do regardless.

TheStuffedPenguin · 09/08/2020 14:10

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Wouldn't let my 13 year old have a relationship either tbh. With a boy or a girl.

You can't stop your 13yo having a relationship, you can only stop your 13yo being able to speak to you about any issues because they are hiding it from you.

I believe that you can but it starts way back before 13.

PatchworkElmer · 09/08/2020 14:11

Keep out of it.

Original poster

BraverThanYouBel1eve · 09/08/2020 14:49

Thanks for all the opinions - from 'keep out of it' to 'put your foot down' and everything in between.

Reflecting on motivation - I'm just really worried about both girls and the emotional complexities that relationships bring, because they are both so young and very troubled/fragile. In a perfect world I'd just like to be close with the other girl's parents so that we can navigate this together the best way we can. My daughter's counsellor thinks that ideally my daughter would be better off concentrating on her own well-being for now, but like me she doesn't see how suppressing the relationship can help.

If this was a boy I would mention it to the other mum as something cute/sweet that happened and just to keep her in the loop.

Thanks for highlighting the dangers associated with outing a gay person before they're ready - it's so sad that this is the reality of the world we live in!

Those who think I should stop the relationship / put my foot down, I'm not sure what you mean, can you elaborate? What are the activities or behaviours that you would stop or restrict, and how would you go about enforcing it?

OP posts:

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 09/08/2020 14:52

I believe that you can but it starts way back before 13.

Unless fear, and physical and emotional abuse is used you're very wrong.

Sssloou · 09/08/2020 14:57

Just keep being a wonderful supportive open kind and respectful Mum - that’s what she needs to build up from her fragility. You will always be there - RS come and go - she needs to be able to trust you and feel supported. She is still young - so keep up the parenting space - don’t let this RS engulf your family time and the parenting you still need to do.

Original poster

BraverThanYouBel1eve · 09/08/2020 14:58

@Sssloou I don't have an issue with my daughter's sexuality but I do worry about her investing her heart and soul in a complex relationship when she is so fragile. I asked my daughter if the other mum knows they are in a relationship and she said 'I don't know'. I suspect strongly that the other mum has no idea because she suggested a sleepover at theirs recently (I declined). I told my daughter (but not the other mum) that they need to let parents know they're in a relationship before they can even consider sleepovers.

OP posts:

Original poster

BraverThanYouBel1eve · 09/08/2020 15:00

@Sssloou - thanks for this last message xxx

OP posts:

MeMyselfAye · 09/08/2020 20:19

It’s always going to be difficult when your child starts showing interest in others, it’s totally normal for 13 year olds to have boyfriend/girlfriends at that age though. Treat it in the same way you would if it was a boy, just be open and someone she can talk to, definitely do not speak to the other parent, there is no need.

TheStuffedPenguin · 10/08/2020 00:48

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I believe that you can but it starts way back before 13.

Unless fear, and physical and emotional abuse is used you're very wrong.

No it's actually called instilling good values and ethics into their lives.

POP7777777 · 10/08/2020 01:02

Don't do or say anything! Why on earth would you? It's a non-event! Did your daughter say "thank you"? If so, it's done.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 10/08/2020 10:42

No it's actually called instilling good values and ethics into their lives.

😂😂😂 sure.

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