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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I'm terrified for my son

15 replies

momonedge · 15/10/2004 15:39

Can anyone help me? I am so scared for my son. He's 19 and does all the usual teenager stuff - stroppy, untidy, doesn't speak, doesn't communicate, see us (mom and partner) as the enemy, is secretive and often downright nasty. All this I could tolerate (he's the youngest of 3 sons, so I've already survived two before him).

12 months ago he passed his driving test, and its been a complete nightmare since then. He's constantly being stopped by the police, but takes the attitude that they have no right to do this and he's certainly not trailing all the way to the police station to show his documents. He's been up in court a number of times for motoring offences (including undertaking a marked police car doing 70mph!). He's now been banned for 18 months and has run up THOUSANDS of pounds in court fines! Last week an official from the court came to arrest him for non payment of fines, but I managed to scrape together £330 - this isn't the first time I've bailed him out (he owes me £1000).

I really am at the end of my tether. I've tried talking to him (so much talking!), threatening him, being the understanding mom, the firm mom, the stand-for-no-nonsense mom. I've taken time off work to sit down with him to sort out his diabolical finances (he owes so much - credit card, loan, fines, mobile), but he's not interested in any help or advice. He just doesn't seem the least bit bothered about anything (except cars). Sometimes I think he must be a very troubled young man, other times I think he's just being incredibly selfish and irresponsible. I can't bail him out any more, I've run out of money (and patience), and I'm terrified he's going to end up in prison, which will ruin his whole life. He had a letter from the CROWN COURT this morning (it was printed on the envelope) but I know he won't show it me or talk to me about it, he never does, so I just worry what it is (or worse, what it could be).

I'm so worried I cry all the time. He used to be such a lovely, loving, happy child, and I really REALLY miss him. It's not as if he's got in with the wrong crowd, his friends all seem very down to earth (keep their jobs, don't get into trouble with the police). His dad's a bit of an arse and can't be bothered with him or his brothers, so I get no help there. My partner's normally very laid back, but I'm not sure he can take much more either. I just want someone to come into my home and tell me what I'm doing wrong, tell my son to get his act together, and make everything alright.

Has anyone else ever been in the same situation? Can ANYONE help?

Sorry to go on so much (and sorry I posted in the wrong section before).

OP posts:

gothicmama · 15/10/2004 15:43

sorry I can 't wave a magic wand - perhaps if you let him face the consequence although hjard for you it may in the long run be the best thing you did as hard as it is to face he is over 18 and you must let him do what he needs to do but be there with a hug when he needs you - It is very tough adn must be ever so hard for you but I really think it is one of those casess where if he can't help himself tehn no-one can really help

lou33 · 15/10/2004 15:45

I tend to agree with gothic. He has to face his own consequences wihtout relying on you to bail him out. Maybe when he realises noone is going to stump up for him he will behave differently, although I understand it would be v v hard to sit back and watch your son without wanting to assist.

Original poster

momonedge · 15/10/2004 16:00

I know that, logically, if he refuses to be helped, then I should just let him get on with it and face the consequences of his actions. But its so incredibly difficult to watch your own son doing these stupid things and taking such an aggressive attitude towards the law (I've never had policemen at my door before!). He's not a bad man by any stretch of the imagination - doesn't do drugs, doesn't mug old ladies - but when it comes to cars and handling money (all of which goes on said cars) he's absolutely hopeless. I will be completely and utterly gutted if he gets arrested and put in jail (God, my son in prison!!!!!). I've no idea how I will cope with that at all. But I don't feel there's anything I can do to stop it, I've tried it all! If you met my son you would just think he was terribly handsome and a quiet type, you wouldn't imagine in a million years that he could ever get in trouble with the police.

Thank you for your comments (and such a swift response!), its just nice to get it off my chest.

OP posts:

lou33 · 15/10/2004 16:12

I understand what you are saying completely momonedge, you have been placed in a terrible position, but it's all the advice I can give unfortunately. You seem to ahve tried everything else, and there has to come a time when you say enough is enough. It must be heartbreaking for you.

Twinkie · 15/10/2004 16:20

Sorry but to me he seems the kind of young man that is going to drive around with no insurance and desimate a family - he needs to understand the consequences of his actions and if going to jail does this then its whathe needs - what would you feel like if you bailed him out kept him out of jail and he wiped out a family or a mother one night whilst he was driving like a loony??

Lots of young men aren't bad or awful people but can you imagine what people feel like when their father gets killed by someone like him who drives like an idiot and their mother says oh he wasnt that bad - he is breaking the law and putting people in danger - please please see sense in this!!

I'm sorry to sound so harsh but as someone who has had their life and their family ripped apart losing someone in an accident I see young people well anyone driving stupidly or when they shouldnt as walking around with a loaded pistol firing indiscriminantly.

Maybe you can get in touch with some sort of charity that deals with families of poeple killed in raod accidents with joy riders and young drivers and get your son to meet them and see the consequences??

anorak · 15/10/2004 16:31

Hi,momonedge, I just posted this message on your other thread before seeing this one: I'm so sorry you are living with this. I can't offer advice based on experience, but all I can say is that at the age of 19 your son should be taking responsibility for his own actions, and I wouldn't be giving him money for fines or helping him out. He needs to learn that there are penalties attached to certain actions and that he should be the one to pay them.

Maudy · 15/10/2004 16:38

Momoneedge, could his older brothers try and talk to him about this? Maybe they might have more of a chance getting thought to him as I know I talk far more candidly with my siblings than my parents.

Hope things work out for you.

Original poster

momonedge · 15/10/2004 16:40

Twinkie, I know, I have screamed this at him so many times ("What would happen if a child ran out in front of you?"). It's not on, is it. I will be taking the car keys off him when I get home, or removing the tyres (will resist the constant urge to throw something heavy through the windscreen - how I hate that car). Then I'll sell the flipping thing to recoup some money.

I'm really grateful for all your comments. When you're emotionally involved, its often difficult to see the 'logic' of a situation and take an outsiders view (if he were someone else's son I'd be the first one shouting 'let him face the consequences'). As I've said, I've tried everything with him and nothing works, so I guess its time for the hard lesson to be learned once and for all.

This parent stuff doesn't get any easier, does it!

OP posts:

gothicmama · 15/10/2004 17:07

that sounds a good plan!!

ScummyMummy · 15/10/2004 17:38

Go for it, momonedge. Sorry you're having such a tough time with him.

He lives with you, right? What's he doing with his time in terms of a job/college? Does he pay you rent/household expenses? I have no experience of this age group as a parent but I do think it might be helpful to be strict about him contributing to the house financially unless he's studying. Might make him feel a bit more adult and responsible?

Tortington · 15/10/2004 22:06

definatley face the consequences, my son knows this he is 14. who pays fo the car, the tax the driving lessons, the petrol, who pays for all this stuff?

your treating him like he is 13 years old. he is an adult and you should tell him to get his arse in gear cos mummy aint gonna be there no more. and stop buying him things.

tabitha · 17/10/2004 00:44

I think it's time to get tough and stop bailing him out. Sometimes, you just get to the point where helping them is doing more harm than good and I think your son has gone beyond this point.
I know it's an entirely different situation but I reached this point with my 17yo dd this summer, when she refused to find a summer job and moped around the house expecting us to subsidise her financially and moaning about how bored she was . It was only after refusing to give her any more money, drive her anywhere, buy her anything that she got off her backside and managed to get a job in McDonalds and guess what, after all her whinging, she really enjoys it and has made loads of friends through it.
Also, when you get tough, stay tough, don't weaken and don't give in no matter how much your heart may want you to. It just isn't worth it.
Finally, if his friends are sensible lads, could you not have a private word with one of them and see if they could talk some sense into your son.

Twinkie · 18/10/2004 09:59

How are things momonedge - any easier today??

fostermum · 07/11/2004 15:55

yes i tend to agree, ive had many pass through like your son and at the end of the day they have to pay for there deeds, the more you bail him out the more it will be the norm for him, you wont stop loving him,just let him take charge for a while, he will come down to earth quicker that way then you can start mending fences

JuniperDewdrop · 07/11/2004 16:03

Sorry but I agree that you've bailed him out too much hun (((hugs)))

My dh is a defence lawyer so I could ask his opinion if you want, from another perspective? He's very sensible and sees this all the time. I'm so sorry for you, I have 2 boys and know that it could be me or any of us one day.

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