Fed up with the laziness and attitude of the young people in my house

[Bouledeneige]

DD20 home from uni since March, probably did about 5 days work for her course in all that time now is out all the time with friends. DS17 (18 next week), had his A levels disappear into the ether and since school closed has been gaming and hanging out with friends since lockdown eased.

During lockdown I have regularly asked my kids to help me out - I'm a single parent and working full time from home. I asked them to cook one meal a week each, do occasional shopping, cleaning etc. The meals never materialised and they have done very little else. Since lockdown eased they have no time for me at all, just come and go as they please, treating the place like a hotel (I sound like my Mum!). I've not had one meal with both of them in more than a month - except for when I took them out for a 'government' cut price meal earlier in the week.

I had a row with my DD the day after her birthday. She had a lot of friends round in the garden and the next day had not done any cleaning up by 7.30pm despite being asked several times. I got very angry and felt extremely taken for granted having shelled out a lot of cash for drink, pizzas and cake etc. Because I lost it, they both walked out and went to stay a their Dad's flat (he's away). We didn't speak for 2 weeks and my DS sent me a really nasty message about me being a shit mother. I was really upset - I have done everything for these kids so it really hurt a lot.

We all then had mini holidays (separately) in the UK and they both returned. They barely talk to me and can be pretty dismissive when I try to talk to them. Its really getting me down. I used to dread them going to university - hopefully both will be off in the autumn - but now I'm looking forward to it. I've even been thinking today of saying that they can go back to their Dad's flat if they want. I probably won't as I don't want anymore drama, its A level results next week and my DS's 18th shortly after that.

I know lockdown has put lots of relationships under pressure. Is anyone else feeling depressed by their teens and their behaviour? I really don't think they give a shit about me. Fortunately I have a lot of lovely friends who have been very kind and supportive and think I deserve better, but quite a few feel pissed off too. But quite a few of them have partners to back them up. I don't.

Lockdown isn't the problem.

But there's a total lack of respect from your kids to you based on what you typed.

They are older now so harder to change it but I'd be making it clear that until they start tidying up and contributing to running the household there will be no more cash for parties, lifts, wi fi etc.

I then wouldn't engage.

I'm sure it's hard they go to their dads flat etc but they do need to learn for themselves the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

But I'd be interested to know when they stayed there who did the shopping and washing and cooking etc?

Funny that, just had a locking with horns with DD19 about contributing to petrol and cleaning up around the house. It just doesn’t seem to enter her head. Younger DD16 is v helpful and considerate thankfully. I’ve decided to be much tougher as I often try to keep the peace between her and DH who thinks I’m too soft (sometimes 2 parents confuse things) . I’m going to be clearer about what I expect when and how so there’s no ambiguity. If she doesn’t meet that expectation her favours will stop. Good luck.

What was the expectation regarding chores etc when they were growing up? Have they always been lazy?

Who will they be expecting to take them to uni then? And help them get ready? And fund them? Who is funding them to go out and go on holiday now?

As @itsgettingweird said

I'd be making it clear that until they start tidying up and contributing to running the household there will be no more cash for parties, lifts, wi fi etc.

I then wouldn't engage

Start this today.

I think in your position I'd lay it out for them, about how disrespectful the are towards you, from expecting you to shell out for them, feed clean up after them and their mates, to being rude to you, swanning off in huffs and ignoring you.

Then I'd tell them to fuck off to their dads if they don't like it. But there would always be a home for them with you, when they are capable of behaving like adults, and taking responsibility in the running of the house.

Honestly they both sound awful.

I think if they expect some of your time for a lift or whatever first they have to pay with their time. This has been our system from very small. Four young teens here. Everyone cooks a proper lunch once a week. No two weeks the same meal.

Turn of the WiFi and hide their chargers until they step up. They are old enough to get on with it.

I feel your pain. My son (nearly 17 & 6ft 3) didn't get out of bed until 3.15 pm today. I asked him to help & he accused me of having a tantrum. His mindset is that he's on holiday & can do what he wants. I am also a single parent & sometimes wish he would stay at his Dads all the time. I don't give him an allowance or money unless he actually does jobs to earn it.
It worries me how little direction he has. Hopefully college will change things.
Strange how much we love them, but hate them at the same time