How to deal with uncontrollable 12 yo?

[DorsetCamping]

DD (12) has always been confident, gregarious and provocative. Even when she was little she seemed years beyond her cohort. I love her dearly but It's like she's always got to be front and centre of attention and doesn't get boundaries or how inappropriate her behaviour can be.. Always 10 times worse when she has an audience, who frankly just look at her in horror. I am really struggling with her and am worried that she'll end up friendless.

An example is we've just been to friends for dinner, with lots of other kids of a similar age. The showing off was relentless, her voice getting louder and louder. Increasing bad language language, inappropriate references in earshot if younger children. Then onto long irrelevant monologues that would have nothing to do with anything and I could see the glazed boredom descending on everyone's faces.

Several times I politely asked her to turn the volume down, in the hope she would let other people talk, desperately not wanting to embarrass her, but she just doesn't get subtlety. I was blatantly ignored and on she went. It's like she's always seeking approval through shock tactics.

I just don't know how to handle her and she is only 12, not even a teen yet! To make matters worse we are also having real battles about what she wears. I have always been fairly relaxed but draw the line at frankly the far too tight, revealing, short outfits she always wants to go out in. today I had to stop her from wearingi what can only be described as a hookers outfit.

It's getting worse as she becomes more head strong and ignoring what is appropriate behaviour and boundaries. She's only 12 and already I am out of my depth. She is so different to DS and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to crush her spirit or 'uniqueness' but she needs to learn social rules and boundaries pretty quickly or I sense huge trouble ahead

What are her friends like? Between 10 and 12 a lot of DSs female friends were very much like this. Now at 13/14 they have calmed down a lot and leggings and appropriate tops seem to have replaced the awful revealing outfits they used to wear.

To be honest she doesn't have many friends, I think most of her cohort are a bit scared by her or just don't get her. Also she generally gravitates to older girls as she seems to be in such a desperate hurry to grow up.

I think she's old enough to hear some of the things you said. I also think you have the right as her parent to tell her off for her inappropriate behaviour. It won't crush her spirit if you take her aside and say: Your behaviour today wasn't good enough. You used bad language in front of younger children and you monologued instead of having conversations.

Ask her about it. Ask if she does it out of nerves, if she finds it hard to self-control and listen to what she says without commenting on it. Tell her she is a lovely person and needs to practise some social skills and you will help her. Then give her two or three guidelines to practise next time you have a social situation and promise her a small reward if she manages them. She's still a child. She can learn and you can teach her.

When we got home tonight, I did try and talk to her in a calm manner but she won't hear it and gets extremely defensive.
Even my friend remarked earlier that DD always back chats me when I challenge her behaviour.

Can you teach her to listen well and ask questions of others

Practice listening to others

Awww, poor her, poor you. My dd is also 12, also struggles socially, albeit in very different ways. It's so hard to watch on, isnt it?

I think I would just make sure she knows you love her unconditionally, make time to hang out with her and be interested in what interests her.

I work with year 6 and that really helps me because I can see how common stuff like this is. Very few kids that age have refined social skills and a lot are plain awful at times!

Know your boundaries, eg shock language and inappropriate stuff and calming pick her up on that.

Then wait, non-judgementally, til this starts to ease off. If it doesnt pass in a couple of years and she's still aspiring to behaviour and relationships more suited to older kids, then you might have cause for concern. But even then, it will have really helped if you've been kind and loving. It is hard, really hard as a parent to watch on, but it's just them growing up.

FYI - lots of kids this age are still struggling to establish meaningful friendships.

And I probably wouldn't try to intervene or advise her, unless she specifically asks for help. And shes much more likely to ask for help if she doesn't feel judged or criticised.

Perhaps she does this out of being an anxious extrovert? My friend was like her as a child and she admitted she gets anxious around people and ends up making a show of herself. You should definitely sit her down and discuss how she acted today, swearing around younger kids is a no no

And I don't mean don't have boundaries - rude or inappropriate behaviour needs to be picked up on.

Ideally that needs to be quickly and calmly, avoiding escalation. I think for a 12 year old girl, I'd also aim to make sure it was done privately. So she uses inappropriate language in front of young kids, as soon ad is possible, you remind her that that's inappropriate - and you do that either away from everyone else or quietly enough that others cant hear.

What were her boundaries 0-12? Where does she get the bad language and inappropriate language from?

I think you need to remove her.

Be clear and firm before attending events.

Any bad language - we leave

not listening and back chatting - we leave

At events.

Dd - that was strike 1. You were told bad language would mean we leave. Next word and we go.

Then go.

I wouldnt necessarily then keep chatting to her about it if she's defensive because no one is gaining anything from that. Use times she is pitot was and receptive to model and practice good conversation and behaviour.

She'll get the message by being taken away.

Clothing is hard because that's what they are selling. But if you don't want her wearing certain clothes then obviously you have the control not to buy them.
But I'm from the camp that girls shouldn't be censored by clothing and the worries people have about the clothing (generally men and inappropriate staring) is their problem and they should adapt their behaviour.

But when I was 12 girls were far less developed and we often wore cotton shorts and crop tops in summer because they were cool.

She might also be testing your limits, not intentionally trying to upset you or anything but they do for some reason. Clothing issue goes away in time- I was horrified by the choice of her tops when my DD was around same age but then she became more sensible and conscious as she got older- hopefully it will go away! I agree with the comment above, she needs to understand the consequences of her behaviours, sometimes talking nicely is not enough they need to see in action to realise. Good luck hope things get better soon

I agree with being stricter. Sounds like you worry too much about her embarrassment when her behaviour is causing the most embarrassment. She has to know your boundary and that you will act, not pussy foot around.