Sorry not a word in DD's vocabulary

[Lotty32]

Is this normal?normally I'm at fault (obviously) but when she is - never an apology! Also very little empathy for others - is this normal teen behaviour?

I have the opposite here with mine - she thinks that "I said I was sorry" fixes everything, in the style of a 4 year old.

Same with my DS15.

Plus anger if anyone dares to mention anything he's done wrong.

Funnily enough he was always very polite and nice when he was younger... where did it go?!

I hate the word sorry because it’s an automatic response and usually they’re not sorry at all.
I make my dds (16 and nearly 19) say who they’re saying sorry to and for what - sorry, mum, for swearing at you, or whatever.
But still nothing changes.

I also won’t accept I’m sorry but...
I’m sorry I swore at you, mum, but you were in my way.

Funnily enough it's a word not in my husbands vocabulary either!

Same here. Dd can not admit she is wrong.

DD19 finds sorry very hard. DD16 can fly off the handle but will always come and say a genuine sorry and be remorseful. Both brought up the same.

Do you ever say it? I'm just wondering if she's modelling your husband (and possibly you).

I am actively working on not saying it so much! I can be walking down a street and an idiot in their phone walks into me and I say sorry!

But good point re mirroring x

They do say that if they tested teens for the traits of psychopathy they would all be declared psychopaths - apparently that part of their brain hasn't developed!

The only way it will is if they have to go through some hardship eg not being bought designer clothes. So let her not say sorry - but don't spoil her or give in! As that makes them entitled as well as lacking empathy... next it will be the family pet vanishing 😉

@Vodkacranberryplease that’s interesting. I have one very empathetic teen16 and one far less so at 19. I thought by now they’d be maturing!!!

Well lol green I'm sure they all get there in the end especially when they have to fend for themselves and discover dishes don't wash themselves!

Can you tell if she’s sorry but just doesn’t say it? Maybe get her to talk to someone, sounds like the makings of a personality disorder. Like if empathy at that age is a sign of sociopathy or psychopathy. Not the scare you but it’s things that SHOULD NOT be ignored

@Countrylivingcityworking The odds of her being a psychopath are quite slim though. I think it's more likely she's just having a rough time, or the concept of guilt embarrasses her. Particularly if it's not clear that this is a permanent or long term thing

I struggle with this as an adult to be honest. It's a negative trait which I mostly manage by not getting into drama and avoiding people who are detrimental to me as much as I can. Not sure what caused it but between my insular parents and toxic school environment I don't think I was well socialised as a teenager.

@SnuggyBuggy Me too, a little bit. From my personal experience, I think it's from an excess of empathy that makes you feel so guilty you can't apologise or really react at all, which makes you look unempathetic and cold. Maybe that's just me though- I've been called a sociopath or an alien for this trait quite a lot honestly. Still, gets you away from drama ...

I think for me if its a person I don't really like I'd rather be further disliked by them than humble myself before them by saying sorry. I'd be able to say sorry to a good friend but don't have much drama there.

I love to call them out on this.
"Is there something wrong with you -- are you Donald Trump & can't take responsibility for mistakes? The appropriate thing to do here is to apologise and move on. Are you saying that's beyond your skillset?"

@SnuggyBuggy Without being presumptious, do you think there's maybe an ego factor contributing there? I.e. you're willing to sacrifice a bit of ego in order to sustain a solid friendship, but it's not worth it for a person you don't really like

[quote mildlyunhinged]@SnuggyBuggy Without being presumptious, do you think there's maybe an ego factor contributing there? I.e. you're willing to sacrifice a bit of ego in order to sustain a solid friendship, but it's not worth it for a person you don't really like[/quote]
Could be. I'm fairly insular, I have family and friends I'm very close to and I'm just not that fussed about other people. I mean I wouldn't go out of my way to be a dick to other people and my default is to be respectful and polite.

If say I bumped into a stranger I'd say a quick sorry - 99% of the time that's enough but if they kept going on I'd stop feeling guilty and would be irritated with them.

@SnuggyBuggy I think I understand your perspective. I think my gears turn in the opposite way though - I'll work myself up into feeling more and more sorry until I sort of switch off and then I suppose give off murderous energy I understand your point about avoiding drama though, it seems pretty pointless

I grew up with a narc father who never apologized for anything. When I was little, I didn't say sorry or thank you either. It wasn't something I was taught to do, and I genuinely didn't know I was supposed to say those things until I was a bit older. Have you talked to your daughter about your expectations if this is important to you? Is this a recent issue? Is she simply not saying the words or does she seem entirely not sorry when she's in the wrong?