DD 17, first boyfriend. What ground rules did you set with your DD at this age, if any?

[ThatDirection]

She'll be 18 in a few months. Bf is alnost a year younger. They don't live very near each other so lifts have to be involved to see each other currently.

It's new territory for us. I have no friends with DDs this age. It would be helpful if you could share your tips of how you handled things, as a parent, when your Dd was this age. Hearing others experiences will help me.

She's a tendency to be quite a private person whereas dd2 tells me everything about everything. My parents just left me to get on with things as that she. No ground rules, no discussions. But I have a much better relationship with my DDs than I did with them.

Also, for dc who go off to university, what normally happens to the relationship as soon as there is a great distance between them?

From someone who, like your daughter, is quite a private person: if your daughter speaks to you about her relationship, please keep anything she tells you private! I love my mum, but I avoid telling her personal things because I can't be sure she will keep things private ( she means well). Otherwise, she's almost technically an adult, so I would try to treat her as such.

My dd is a long way from that age but I remember at that age my parents were reluctant to have boyfriends stay overnight but then I ended up staying at my boyfriends several nights a week so they did eventually let him stay over. My mum knew I was on the pill and I knew if I needed to talk to her about anything I could.

Also I had many friends who went to different unis or one who didn't but their partner did, I'd say several fizzled our within the first term but some continued long distance visiting each other for weekends at each other's uni. It really depends on the couple!

I think at that age I’d encourage her to go on the pill if she isn’t already, and maybe leave a box of condoms in her room, then set a limit to how many nights a week you would be happy for him to be in your home, and make clear that you expect them to clear up after themselves bathroom and kitchen wise etc. They are still very young so it is better for them to be safe at home than experimenting elsewhere. Might also be worthwhile checking how his parents feel about him and her staying over.

Offer to take her to doctor for contraception, and leave her to get on with it. Just say you are there if she needs you for anything else. Always make him welcome in your house.

Some relationships survive university, but lots don't. Encourage her to embrace the new opportunities rather than keep coming home to see her boyfriend, but ultimately it's up to her.

My DD is younger but I'm thinking of my own first relationship. The main thing I'd say is to keep the lines of communication open. I went straight to my mum when a condom split and she helped me get the MAP, I was 16 and I told her because I knew she wouldn't be angry or judgmental.

Oh and we split up when he went to uni (he was a year older than me), got back together in the Xmas holidays, then split up for good when I went to uni. I still think of him fondly.

Ds started seeing his girlfriend at 16. I asked them both what contraception they were using...pill and condoms. We had a very frank discussion about sex and consequences. I also spoke to her mum to talk about how she felt about sleeping over and were we on the same wavelength.
8 years on they are still together.

I was allowed my boyfriend round and he would stay very occasionally. We went out from (nearly) 16 to 18.

I broke up with him just before going to uni. I wasn’t happy with him anyway and didn’t want to be tied down before I’d even experienced freedom. Good thing too because I met my now DH at a university club.

be open with her about how you feel but make it clear that whatever is said is just between the 2 of you

My dd turned 17 in July so did her boyfriend they waited to her birthday for first sleep over.
She is going to stay at his this weekend
She got the bar in last week for contraception and I left condoms in her room when he was staying
They are happy just hanging out watching Netflix and going to friends houses.
He comes over about 2 evenings a week the other 5 they go out walking
Both sets off parents share lifts but we have never met his parents.
They are only going out since lockdown ended End of May
She had other boyfriends but never brought them to house. So think this one is more serious.

Get to know the bf, welcome him in.

Mine started having serious relationships a bit younger- generally no sleep overs in bedrooms until relationship was a bit established.

I always thought I wouldn't let my teenage kids have sleepovers. I was wrong 😂

I seem to recall a conversation like "You may not want to tell me some things, but do you have friends that you would consult and talk to about anything that was a difficult situation or decision?" So my role was to make sure she had a support network, however I might fit into it. Checking basics: "do you know how to avoid disease & have a strategy for avoiding pregnancy" etc. So my words are very little about that relationship, but about how to make sure they have ability to make decisions they are happy with, keep selves safe & the relationship fun. Make sure they have thought about how to avoid relationship problems.

I don't think many teen relationships survive departure to Uni.

I am lucky my house is considered very embarrassing so DC don't bring friends home... we haven't had problem of 1am shagfests keeping everyone awake, etc.

Resurrecting this to ask specifically about them sleeping over at each others houses.

Should I expect them to wait a bit until their relationship is more established? They aren't able to easily see each other independent of parents giving lifts - which we are all accommodating. Once sleepovers begin that will be what always happens. With covid, driving independently has been set back.

@ThatDirection I personally would not have a problem with sleepover at each others houses but not them sleeping at a friends house together. I tell my dd to keep her private life from her friends bedroom.
She is only going out with her bf since May and they first slept together on her 17th birthday in July yes it was quick but she said she felt ready and got the bar sorted for herself. I bought condoms the first time but he now gets his own he was too nervous the first time.
They can lie and cuddle they don't have to be intimate.
My dd and her bf have only had 3 weekends together other than that they go out or watch Netflix
Both sets off parents do lifts with our dd and her bf as we are both in country.

Thank you. I don't have many local friends with DDs this age to chat with. I like to be well informed of different experiences and viewpoints to help form my own. What positive or negative things might that next step bring.

Covid and lockdown is making me think she's younger than she is because she's been home a lot, and lost the usual developmental steps of year 12:- part time job, parties, festivals, driving, hanging out with friends spontaneously after college.It feels like she is jumping from A to C without doing B. But I don't want to keep her home, I want her to live and experience life so she's better prepared for uni and that includes dealing with boyfriends.

But the whole covid thing is still an issue. What is allowed, what is going to be allowed. The weirdness of having someone else sleep in our house when I won't be having my family to stay anytime soon.

@ThatDirection how are things with your dd and bf with covid19 rising.
My dd and her bf didn't get to see each other outside off school this week his mum wouldn't even let them go,on a walk.
Both are very upset and crying on facetime
I really think it's going to affect their mental health but I'm actually scared to approach her and ask her to back down a bit on a Friday and Saturday
No one in either house is high risk.
They go to school with 1500 students plus teachers. He works in a electric sales place for his dad on a Saturday with customers coming in like what is the harm In seeing his girlfriend

They really want to go for a walk tomorrow he is too afraid to ask her tonight it's so unfair to young people
She does like my dd as she sent me a message on day they got results off GCSE that they are lovely wee couple asked her If she would study along with him

@00Andi2020

When I chatted to her, she was happy to wait a few months to sleep over or have bf sleeping over. They see each other a bit less than twice per week and his parents seem fine with them seeing each other whilst permitted. They seem so happy. I figure Dd spend so much time in her room and not so much time with us in the rest of the house, other than eating, that is fairly low risk to have him here or her there.who knows what is round the corner though. Hopefully at worst a 2 week ban on households mixing.

That's sad for your Dd.

Good that your dd and bf are getting on well it really is lovely to see your teenager with someone who makes them happy.
We are in Roi numbers rising but not as bad as that they shouldn't be allowed out at weekend.
He is going to ask his mum after work if they can meet up today.
She is still in bed.

@ThatDirection how is your dd and bf getting on

My dd met a really lovely guy and got serious with him at 17.

I asked her to go on the pill and made the GP appointment for her, talked to her again about contraception and condoms, he was welcome to come to our house for dinner etc but didn't sleepover until they had been together for about a year. He was never here for dinner for more than 1 or 2 evenings per week.

Offer to take her to doctor for contraception, and leave her to get on with it. Just say you are there if she needs you for anything else. Always make him welcome in your house.

@Yellowfeather and other posters have it right, IMO. My DD (15) hasn't had a serious boyfriend yet (she's met up with boys to go to the cinema and at the mall, but never anything serious). She's more of a talker than your DD, but I've discussed contraception and in fact made an appointment with my OB/GYN so she could chat about everything (I was outside the room). We're in the US so different health system and 15 is a age of consent here (yikes). I just wanted her to know her options and feel comfortable.

Lockdown put a stop to any potential romances, but I'll make any future boyfriends welcome in our house. I'd rather get to know them than be like one of her friends (16 1/2), whose boyfriend (18) isn't welcome in her home and I suspect she sneaks out to see him!
I think this girl's parents are burying their heads in the sand about their DD growing up, as he's still at school and just a normal teen as far as I can tell. Better to get to know him, IMO!