Why are girl friendship group complicated ?

[Changeagain1]

It’s 1:45am & I have work in the morning so if I go on about blame emotions and tiredness!

I have a lovely daughter 17. Last summer after finishing her GCSE she was ready for a summer of fun with her friends. She had a core group of 6 girls friends since year 9. One of the girls wasn’t returning to the same sixth form and would plan things but excluding my daughter. She tried to understand & speak to the other girls - who in turn it seemed scared to get involved in case they then weren’t invited. So what should have been an amazing summer was spent working and being lonely.
Starting sixth form seeked out new friends and formed a group of 3. All 3 girls had suffered something similar with Previous friendship group - and all happy and no issues/drama.
Yay we thought as we head into the summer she was so looking forward to it especially after lockdown and the disappointment of last year. Nope I’ve just spent all evening with her having panic/anxiety attacks, crying & broken. The two girls have booked 3 days away this week excluding my daughter.... didn’t even include her on the planning. They were all meant to be doing something later in the month.
I know all parents say this about their children but she is a really lovely girl, funny , pretty trustworthy etc The girls have a lovely time together and spend an awful lot of time at our house and can hear the laughter and didn’t see this coming.

Currently she doesn’t want to go back to school alone again ever to try and make friends again.

If you have daughters tell them to be kind and honest :(
If you got this far thankyou for reading I just needed to write it down.

I too am awake due to teenage dramas.
My dd is 14 but is an absolutely nasty piece of work.
She appears to have 1 close friend who comes to ours but she treats her like shit. She has no qualms about full on shouting at her, wishes her dead, tells her she's going to break her arms. Her friend is lovely and I always try to pull her out of the situation but she says it's okay and tries to calm my dd down.
My dd says she wishes she was in care and hates us, her family. Sometimes I wish the same. I look forward to the day she leaves home. She has an ASC but I can't attribute her behaviour to that. She is going to have a very lonely life if she doesn't change her ways.

My elder dd is lovely but had problems like yours. They completely shunned her in yr10, after hanging round since yr7. It was a tough life lesson to learn so young.
It absolutely put her off 6th form/college so she did an apprenticeship.
Those girls who made her so miserable at the end of school, came to her 18th party, she is far more forgiving than I would be.

If your dd is at 6th form? Is she planning on going to university? All my long term friends are from university, you make friends with people there because you like them, not because you are thrown together in relatively small classes like college.
I hope the rest of the summer hols gives her time to rethink and get through her last year of school, she can then go forward and never look back.

@NiceTwin My daughter has been too forgiving in the past but her Mental Health took such a bashing she needed counselling September last year just to walk into the sixth form site as the girls have made her feel like she is not worthy. That had built her resilience up (till now)
She just finished y12 so heading into her last year at sixth form - I said to her it will be so full on after the lost time of Covid she won’t have time for friends so to focus on alevels and get to University and make new friends - but she is so low right now thinking and trying to work out what is so wrong with her :( With covid I’m not sure she will be able to access the support she may need - she doesn’t open easily to other peers.

changeagain1 I could have written your post. We’ve had exactly the same situation. My DD started college in y12 and we thought the change of environment would help. She met up with a small group of girls who had also experienced friendship difficulties. We had a great few months and then Covid came along and she has hardly heard from them at all ( although it is clear two are in frequent contact) so now back to square one including problems with eating.

She now has a part time job working 20 hours a week where she has made some friends ( although older) and it’s made her feel valued and less lonely. I think she is taking the view that uni may be a new start again. I feel so sorry for her, she is a nice kind hearted girl and hates all the girl drama.

She has recently also started seeing a boy a few years older and this has helped her confidence and self esteem. He seems like a lovely lad but due to past issues I’m just worried about it going wrong. I feel like it’s just been one issue after another so I never feel optimistic. Incidentally I do feel she has some asd tendencies (sensory) and perhaps finds it hard to read the dynamics of a group.

And it doesn't stop at girlhood alas.

Female friendships are a minefield.

I have a mix of boys and girls. Give me boys any day - boys are much more straightforward, simple and loving. Girls are anything but.....

My DD is in y10 now, already thinking of looking at other school's sixth forms or considering college, she has a core friendship group of 4, then they spread into a wider group of 10 girls of course boys groups came in the picture, all got messed up and girls went back to their own core ones then they break up into 2's then get back together - it is a total rollercoaster, with the larger boys and girls groups my DD discovered how boys are so easy going compared to girls, she now has a few boy besties, still have the core but she prefers boys to girls! She believes she will find her best girlies at uni- it is so hard to keep girls happy with each other there is always something going on

Hi @Changeagain1, really feel for you and DD going through this tough time. I totally believe you when you say I know all parents say this about their children but she is a really lovely girl, funny , pretty trustworthy as i get the feeling from your post that she is and you're a great mum too.

I have a DD that sounds similar, kind natured, sensitive, funny ( I could go on..) but has also had lots of issues trying to make a few good friends. What sounded really tough for your daughter was that she was cruising along, laughing with friends and planning a good time and then BANG it all stops. And you're both left thinking 'heck, what happened there?' My DD has not really had so many 'ups' just a low key struggle with so called 'friends' who are in and out of various small friendship groups. She is quite mature in some ways and doesn't get the bitching and 'flightiness' of a lot of girls.

You make a good point if you have daughters tell them to be kind and honest and actually when my DD was at low points this is what I would say... 'it's not you're fault if someone chooses to be nasty, thoughtless or ignorant, that behaviour starts and ends with them, it's not your responsibility, it's theirs' then I would follow that up with 'just be yourself, be kind, be honest' what more is there?

But it's sooo bloody hard to all on here, one day the world will have a few more lovely and resilient women in it ( our DDs).

Forgot to say mine is 18 yr and (joy of joys) about to set foot in the university world and all that entails 😟

Changeagain1 sorry I meant to ask how is your DD now?

I found my diary yesterday from when I was 12/13. So much drama - I must have fallen out and made friends every other day for whole time. It was pretty depressing reading but I guess it's part of finding your way.

Massive sympathy OP.
Isn't it sad how this is not unusual at all, judging by the replies so far.
We have had similar with DD- I couldn't understand how long standing friendships could be .. well..all i can describe it as - dropped after years of being close. It hurts OP - DD and me.
People have told me it's a life lesson- that's no consolation when your child is hurting and hates herself because of course "there's something wrong with me, mum" You can tie yourself in knots wondering "why'- I did.
My DD has moved on, made new friends and is happy. She looks back on events as 'pathetic' behaviour and feels sorry for these old friends as she's the 'bigger person'. I'm proud of her.
I think you are taking the right approach by advising her to focus on her studies- Y13 is intense!! Does she have any hobbies - to mix with new people?? She'll find her tribe, OP and she will look back and be OK. You will too

@shadypines Thankyou for asking she is ok - lonely but she does have a boyfriend but she misses the girly talk (she not even that girly)

Thanks all for responding it’s so sad to see young adults doing this to each other. I hate social media and the way it’s used to hurt other people- very controlling and petty.

She is due back to college on Friday and I can see she already spinning herself in knots. She had a couple of friends from the old group over last night and it was lovely to hear laughter but once they’d gone she just looked sad again as she said to me they won’t invite me to anything but it was nice to laugh.

I keep telling her university is around the corner and she will find her people eventually.

If this keeps happening, maybe it's worth a little bit of introspection on your DD's part. As parents we want to tell them that they're perfect just as they are, but if this is an emerging pattern it's unlikely to be an external problem IMO. Can you maybe have a gentle chat with her about her social skills and interactions to see if there's something she can work on?

@Fortheloveofbob I know what you mean, she has had counselling last year and they covered some of this with her.
she is very closed book and doesn’t open up very well, she isn’t into drama or being mean about people so she often wasn’t included in conversations as the girls knew that she would just end it if it was being horrible about someone.
From the original year 9 group she asked one of the girls recently what went on so she could understand what was wrong with her - they said it wasn’t her it was one of the girls (queen bee) being two faced about her - that girl has actually acknowledged her behaviour and feels bad - she finally grew up. But sadly too much water under the bridge to rekindle that group - they’ve all moved on as part of a wider group.

I think as others have said she is a little more mature than some of them - doesn’t make her better than anyone but can’t be doing with the drama etc

@Changeagain1 i think that probably explains it tbh. That sort of attitude can definitely come across as pretty superior and i can imagine doesn't exactly invite confidences and closeness. Can she work on alternative strategies for those types of conversations? Deflect/redirect rather than shutting down?

@Fortheloveofbob she did use those techniques for the 2nd group deflection moving the conversations on etc

Though I can’t imagine anyone calling her superior lol she normally the one at the back hiding 😂🤣 but I know she needs to open up she just so scared to be hurt/let down again - I think that’s the issue she stuck in a spiral and lack of confidence.

She will be ok I know that, she knows she needs to be open etc Ive told her not to overthink or worry about stuff. People do reach out occasionally to her (she is the one they trust as she wouldn’t gossip ) so I know people ‘like’ her, it’s up to her then to nurture that friendship. She just says I can’t do it again and be hurt again - I said just go slow and keep open.

Sounds so hard for her op. Does she have any friends outside the 6th form lot? Sometimes easier up have friends outside at a club or a part time job?

She does have friends outside of school - but she has just given that up as she going into y13 and needs to focus on school work (this wasn’t my choice I’d be happy for her to still Dance)

Back to College tomorrow full of nerves and anxiety that she will be alone :( hasn’t slept in days.

I wish I had a wand to make it better but there is nothing I can do

I hope tomorrow is a good day. It's so difficult. My dd14 really enjoyed lockdown, decent online learning, talking to friends online without any of the drama and doing her hobbies. And after one day of proper school, she is already fed up and upset. Like you, I wish I had a magic wand but you are right there is little you can do but try and keep up her spirits and make home life as nice as possible.

Just had a late pep talk with her, she's upset about going into school again tomorrow. Sigh. Fingers crossed it's a better day.

We’ve had a good couple of days :)
Yes the girls aren’t speaking to her (and have been quite mean recently) but she’s bouncing along and chatting to people.
She sad she doesn’t have a ‘group’ but it seems that the rest of the y13 have grown up and she’s chatting to lots more people - hasn’t spent a break or free lesson alone . People inviting her along to walk to the shops with them - not inviting just assuming she’s coming. When she sat alone in the morning people are going to join her.

I wish I could have had a crystal ball to show her this a month ago - yes it’s sad she may not invited to weekend plans etc but school is positive and being a good person is enough sometimes.

I loved lockdown as no school friendship dramas to contend it. Back to school for a week and the same girl is stirring trouble again. She dictates to my DD what she can and can't do and it is easier for DD to just go with it but occasionally like tonight she stands up to her - always ends in tears!!!