Out of control

[distra]

My DS (16) broke his curfew. I was angry with him but instead of apologizing (as he normally would), he shouted and swore at me. He's lost his temper before but he's never spoken to me like this, not ever!

For context, I'm a single mum of two teens; XH was violently emotionally abusive and I divorced him ten years ago to protect us all.

I know I've been lucky with the DC. They're both caring and well-behaved. We have arguments, obviously and although things can get heated, I've always managed to maintain the upper hand. Until now. I don't know what to do. If I punish DS by taking his phone away or grounding him, I'm afraid he might get physically violent. It's that bad!

Any advice?

Please?

I'd might wait for the heat to go out if the situation then see if something happened for him to be late home. There could be a reason: break up or a relationship, friendship trouble etc. Perhaps there is reason behind the anger if there is usually a temper. You could have been the proverbial straw that broke the camels back at the end of a difficult day. However he has behaved very badly shouting at you and when he is calmer you need to address that with him too. Totally understand your worries though but this may be a one off. Teenagers are so difficult sometimes aren't they.

He's lost his temper with me before but never said "fuck you".

Is his curfew an appropriate time? Had he been drinking?

No, he hadn't been drinking. He does drink occasionally, at parties but he wouldn't have been drinking this evening. He was seeing his girlfriend home. When he didn't turn up, DD texted the girlfriend to ask if everything was okay - she said it was, but that it was her fault he was late. Still, that doesn't explain his violent outburst. He was out late last night so I asked him to be home before dark.

I just don't know how to deal with him. I'm still reeling from his swearing and what feels like hatred. He's never said "fuck you" to me before. And he went on and on. I think my mouth must have been hanging open in shock.

It sounds like there's something going on with him. Have a chat today (don't make it a formal sitdown, do it in the kitchen while he's making breakfast or something, side by side not face to face) and say he seemed really upset and can you help. Don't address the bad behaviour, don't even mention it, until you've spoken about what made him so out of control. Then maybe in a day or two talk to him about how he spoke to you and how it made you feel.

You need to talk to him when calm and there has to be consequences for his actions. So personally I would start with something like pocket money or allowance being suspended for a month or his PlayStation/x box being confiscated for a certain amount of time. Then tell him clearly if he ever speaks to you like that again his phone contract is cancelled and he’s out.

I get this sometimes with my teen boys. I don't say a word but throw a hurt look and walk out the room. Sometimes I walk out the house. But it's enough for my boys to know they've overstepped the boundary and I pretty much always get an immediate text saying sorry and an explanation. I always text back and say something like, "please don't talk to me like that. I'm on your side remember! I know you get frustrated but I don't deserve that". I find it's much calmer to text as there is no chance of raised voices.

Talking in the car is always a good thing too. No eye contact, music on. Ask him if things are ok with his gf or whatever. More likely to get an answer to a direct question than a vague is anything wrong?

Personally I think punishments like taking phone away do more harm than good. My usual thing is to wait until the next lift into town is required and say yes but only after you've unpacked the dishwasher/tidied your room/bought your washing down or whatever.

Thank you! It's now very late where I am. DS has shut himself away in the basement. I'm trying to calm myself so I can get some sleep. I think what frightens me is that he's going to become like his father with the rages, the abuse, the violence... it's not fair of me to think this but it's hard not to overreact when someone shouts abuse at me. I shouted back at DS, which was very wrong of me. I have a sharp tongue, especially when I feel attacked.

He said, "I can't wait to move out of here!" and I said, "Well that makes two of us!" Not good. And not true, either.

Could you text him just a simple thing like a heart or something. Or a sad face and a heart? Something to open up a channel for dialogue

All teen boys pretty much have the occasional outburst. He's coping with an immature brain and lots of testosterone and sometimes won't get it right. I'd try not to worry too much and just get some sleep. Things are always way easier in dayLight. Take care x

I had this with Ds1. Made me so sad. I didn't talk to him about it. I deliberately nigh on ignored him/the problem, went about my business, cooked dinner etc. But I was emotionally detached, on purpose, just going through the motions.
3 days later he came to me. Apologised.

Wait for him to calm down, then talk to him. Punishment will likely be counterproductive. He should want to behave and controll his temper, not be forced to do it for fear he might lose his phone. And he needs to understand how his behaviour makes you feel.
You need to understand why he is frustrated. Can you find a compromise on the curfew? Before dark seems a bit early during the summer holidays.

@distra How did it go in the end? Did you talk to him? Hope alls well.