13 year old DD - feels like walking on egg shells

[samanthabrunt]

Hi,

I’m looking for any help and advice.

My 13 year old daughter is struggling to control her emotions. She has always been really sensitive and can switch moods instantly with the slightest thing that upsets her but over the last 6 months has started throwing things and hitting. If she is doing her hair or playing a game etc and it goes wrong she shouts and screams and throws things. She says hurtful things which I know she don’t mean but it feels like we are always walking on egg shells as she is very irritable and snaps at us constantly.

If I ask her to do anything or tell her no to something she slams doors, shouts and says I am always nagging.

Once she has calmed down she is remorseful but blames everyone else for her tantrums.

She Often talks to me about things that are upsetting her and we have a great relationship most of the time but her emotions are causing more tantrums and we are struggling. She struggles with friends at school and falls out with them a lot and this upsets her.

When she is angry we try to give her space and not get into a battle but she keeps going and I’m worried about the violence. We have clear boundaries about acceptable behaviour and she knows if she is rude we will take away one of her devices for an hour( she chooses which one) but any violence of any kind will be her phone lost for 24 hours. We always talk about things when she is calm and then explain how much we love her and it’s the behaviour that we are giving the consequence for.

Usually it is only me and her dad that see this behaviour but recently she has been escalating and has been having tantrums when others are around.

I try to give her space when she is upset and understand how difficult coping with teenage emotions are.

Has anyone got any successful advice please as we want to help her cope.

Thank you

Just for context, is she taking any hormonal birth control, such as the pill? It can affect mood, especially in young teens who are already dealing with mood swings from puberty.

Hi thank you for your reply and no she is not. She has always been sensitive and flares up easy but it is getting worse and her behaviour is becoming harder to manage

teenage girls can just be horrible due to their hormones, but to me it doesn't sound like to have clear boundaries of what constitutes acceptable behaviour and she gets to choose the punishment. i'd be stopping all of that and making it very clear what the consequences will be if she's hitting you. she's too old now for toddler tantrums.

What is she like in school or other social situations? If she's controlling her temper in other situations and only hitting etc at home then it's probably a lack of boundaries. She shouldn't be choosing her punishment. That just leaves her still in control. And personally I think your punishments are not tough enough.

One of my daughters was like this and like you I was walking on egg shells always on edge waiting for the next blow up!. I actually did a triple p parenting course that was advertised in my local children's centre and I found this a great help x

Maybe get harsher with your punishments but also teach her some coping methods as well. Suggest doing some yoga or meditation together to help calm her down. If she’s angry get her to do some exercise or get her a punch bag. My parents did this for me when I was a teen and it was a great stress relief.

I don't really have any "successful advice" @samanthabrunt, but I have a DD who sounds similar to yours. My DD is now 15, so we're a couple of years down the line from you. It has been tough. Sorry, but be prepared for a rough time ahead 💐🍷🍫 I know managing emotions is difficult for teenagers in general, but for highly sensitive teens it is a real struggle. Every emotion is magnified and they are easily overwhelmed.

You are doing a great job, make sure you have plenty of support so you can stay strong. There have been times I have felt a bit broken by it all 😕 I have found the Holding the Rope/Parents of Teens threads a huge help, there is lots of great advice on there, as I seem to be surrounded by perfect families with perfect teens IRL and that is no help whatsoever It is great your DD talks to you about her feelings and friendship issues etc. My DD is the same. Keep communicating as it makes things worse if they are bottling it all up. I have learned to resist the temptation to try and 'fix' things for my DD, but just to listen and support her as she works through her problems, validate her feelings, and only give advice if she asks for it.

I find it so hard to remain calm when my DD is kicking off, but it definitely helps to detach and disengage as much as possible. It might take a while (like, a loooong time!), but your DD will get better at managing her emotions, even if she has to learn some hard lessons along the way. What finally (well, it's been 5 months, so hopefully it's final 🤞) stopped DD's violent behaviour towards me was her losing one of her best friends after she witnessed DD screaming and throwing things at me. Her friend has cut her off completely, and sadly this was the wake up call DD needed (DD recently told me this is what is why she has changed. She said it made her realise people won't put up with her behaviour). As her parents, we have to be there for her and obviously love her unconditionally - friends don't. This was despite DH and I talking frequently to DD about appropriate (polite and non-violent) behaviour, giving consequences (unsuccessfully, as she is very defiant), DD having counselling and CBT to help manage her anger and anxiety, and her gran, a family member who is a police officer, a couple of her friends and her ex BF telling her she shouldn't treat me so badly. Hopefully your DD will not be as extreme.

DD is managing her emotions far better now. She will mostly remove herself from the situation and listen to music or practice relaxation techniques to help her calm down, and comes and apologises when she is ready. I am learning to detach and not take it all so personally - some days it's easier than others (damn menopause!). DH has decided we are going to build a garden room (I think he needs an escape pod as dealing with a hormonal teenager and menopausal wife gets a bit much sometimes 🙉)

Sorry this is so long, I just wanted you to know you're not alone and you are doing a fantastic job. You will get through this 😊☕️🍰

I also second @RosiePosie15 with the excercise and punchbag ideas.Great ways to release frustration without damaging the house or hurting anyone 👍🏻

Every child needs boundaries and consequences, but not every child responds to them in the same way. Getting stricter and stricter does not necessarily mean behaviour gets better and better. For some (like my DD) it leads to more defiance, loss of trust, more extreme choices (like trying to jump out of windows if grounded) and a huge power struggle. DH and I have recently done the strengthening families programme which was very helpful. For us, family meetings, discussions in calm moments, setting clear rules and expectations and communicating in a non-judgemental, respectful way work far better than the strict consequences (no phone, no wifi, no freedom) route. You know your own child 😊

Thank you for all your advice. There are lots of great tips which I can try like mediation and yoga. I understand what you are saying about stricter and choosing but I feel she needs some control as she struggles with this and if I give orders and demands it makes her worse. When I say she chooses I mean we have talked about consequences togeather during a calm discussion and have decided what the consequences are for rudeness and What is acceptable and what is not. We decided this is a loss of a device for an hour, if she continues being rude she looses another one and she has chosen the order they are taken away from her. This is to give her some control and responsibility and I know it doesn’t work for everyone but it is something we are trying after advice from her school - sometiMes successfully and sometimes not. I have tried the very strict approach in the past as well and felt this was making her worse. However, If she is violent or throws anything she immediately loses her phone which is her most precious device for 24 hours and all other devices for an hour and she can earn the other devices back after an hour of good behaviour.

I hope this makes more sense and I know it is still soft compared to others. Another idea suggested was counselling and/or hypnotherapy. Has anyone tried these? Thank you again.

CBT was useful @samanthabrunt as it made DD think differently about things and recognise unhelpful automatic thoughts. She also has big issues around control and it helped her to turn the negative ways she felt in control (such as choosing not to go to school, not to keep her room tidy, not to help around the house etc) into more positive choices. It let her see it was her choice, and these negative choices were self destructive. It also helped reframe her thoughts and realise that thoughts and feelings are not always truths. Yes, they feel real, but usually the actual reality is not nearly as bad as these catastrophic thoughts make it seem.

Counselling (psychotherapy) wasn’t so useful for us. Maybe it was just the one we went to, but she seemed to encourage DD with her ‘poor little me with my terrible life’ stories and provided no strategies for coping with that life 🤷‍♀️

It doesn't work for everyone, but I'd consider getting her to take a magnesium and a vitamin d supplement for a couple of months and see if that helps her mood.