Struggling with internet access dd13

[SophieGeorge83]

My daughter is 13 and we recently discovered she has been sending and receiving extremely sexual content (videos/photos/messages) on social media with multiple adults and teenagers. The police have been involved and we stopped her accessing some platforms. We are obviously horrified that it happened and she didn’t tell us and there were no signs at all!

To stop her becoming isolated from her friends, she still has a phone. 6 months on she now has a boyfriend and we regularly check her phone.
Issue 1. I’m worried we’re invading her privacy by checking her phone.
Issue 2. Her and her boyf share messages/videos which I think are highly inappropriate for young teenagers, but I wouldn’t even know about them if I wasn’t checking her phone due to the earlier problems.

Please help with advice on how to handle the situation!
Do I continue to monitor her phone or is it an invasion of privacy? Do I prevent her from messaging/video chatting with her boyf or is it normal nowadays?! Will stopping it just make them more sneaky as they’re much more capable with technology than us?

No you're not invading her privacy. You are keeping her safe and parenting her. She is a child. It is your job as a parent to keep her safe.

I would very much keep on top of the videos. In what inappropriate?

How old is the boyfriend? Have you met him? Is he really who he says he is?

She’s 13. You take her phone off her and allow her to sit next to you for an hour a day and send/receive messages and make calls with you in the room. If she is still being inappropriate she isn’t mature enough for a phone. Or get a landline phone and allow her to make or receive calls on that. It isn’t an invasion of her privacy, she is still a child and you are her parent.

You’ve lost perspective due to the extreme situation. She is thirteen years old, a child. Because she is sexually aware ( and maybe active) doesn’t mean she needs to STAY active/involved. There needs to be some straight talking and resetting of boundaries and if she doesn’t like it, which she won’t, then you have to bear the brunt of her rage until she is old enough to understand and maybe even appreciate what you’re doing for her.

I would get rid of her phone, or like someone else said, let her have it an hour a day, in the same room as you. Seriously, this will not hurt her in any way.

You could also say no boyfriends. Given the inappropriate messages, she's clearly not mature enough.

It sounds like she has no boundaries, You might want to review what she thinks about sex more generally, if you haven't.

Her & her boyfriend video chat for hours on end (We remove the phone at night time). Some of the photos I’ve seen are inappropriate (almost nude) and we’ve had lengthy discussions about what is and isn’t appropriate and she is also receiving support from the police services about it (but it clearly isn’t getting through!).

Her boyfriend is 13. He visits and seems polite (to us).

My natural instinct is to ban anymore photo sending and video chat, but I’m worried that will push her to be more secretive and defiant.

I’m terrified to do the wrong thing and cause more damage after what happened.

Any advice?

Thanks!

I should mention that we never leave her or her boyfriend alone in the house for obvious reasons

Different circumstances (social media bullying) but when my ds14 wasn't trusted to use a smart phone responsibly I bought an old-style phone from ebay for £10. It has calls/texting/snake style game (think Nokia 3310). I can still get hold of him an he's not isolated from his friends but no Internet whatsoever. A smart phone is not an essential need for a 13/14 yo its an earned privilege.

Thanks for all your advice everyone, I think you’re right and I’ve lost perspective.

I will look into getting either an internet-free handset/landline/supervised use only.

I came on here as we have just discovered some inappropriate stuff on DD's, also 13 phone, and I saw your post OP and its similar apart from the boyfriend part.

I do check it but hadn't done so in few months as felt I needed to give her some space, but I now regret not checking more.

I have found porn and pictures and some of the stuff she is saying and sending is truly shocking! She is also talking to so many different people, she quite clearly doesn't know in RL.
She also seems to of alienated her friends and we are concerned it may be the start of grooming.

She has lost her phone since we found out on Saturday and she hasn't even asked for it back because she knows what we have seen.

At the moment she won't be getting it back at all, and when i do decide she can have it there will be restrictions on what apps she can download and I have put an app on to track how long she is spending on certain things and block...how well this will work I do not know, and these kids always seem to have a way around it.

I am not sure what to do going forward as I can't withhold it forever and she has already fallen out with all her friends, and will probably spend the summer alone, on top of already being isolated in lock down. She was always a very sociable person, always had friends etc, up until a few months ago.
Now she won't even barely leave her bedroom let alone the house.

I am worried if I stop her using all the apps all her friends use, she will become so isolated, it could be a disaster! But she also can't be trusted to listen.I have had to speak to her before about her 'oversharing', but it clearly hasn't made any difference I have allowed her to have certain social media apps with the understanding I know her usernames/passwords etc, but she has just created several other accounts that I knew nothing about.

I haven't even spoken to her yet (her dad spoke to her briefly on Saturday after having a brief look at her phone, but I have found more since) and she just clammed up.
So I am really not sure how to approach this, I don't want to get angry with her but she also needs to see how inappropriate her behaviour has been and the blatant rule breaking with multiple social media accounts

Its a bloody minefield out there and I don't know what to do!

@Teenminds

I came on here as we have just discovered some inappropriate stuff on DD's, also 13 phone, and I saw your post OP and its similar apart from the boyfriend part.

I do check it but hadn't done so in few months as felt I needed to give her some space, but I now regret not checking more.

I have found porn and pictures and some of the stuff she is saying and sending is truly shocking! She is also talking to so many different people, she quite clearly doesn't know in RL.
She also seems to of alienated her friends and we are concerned it may be the start of grooming.

She has lost her phone since we found out on Saturday and she hasn't even asked for it back because she knows what we have seen.

At the moment she won't be getting it back at all, and when i do decide she can have it there will be restrictions on what apps she can download and I have put an app on to track how long she is spending on certain things and block...how well this will work I do not know, and these kids always seem to have a way around it.

I am not sure what to do going forward as I can't withhold it forever and she has already fallen out with all her friends, and will probably spend the summer alone, on top of already being isolated in lock down. She was always a very sociable person, always had friends etc, up until a few months ago.
Now she won't even barely leave her bedroom let alone the house.

I am worried if I stop her using all the apps all her friends use, she will become so isolated, it could be a disaster! But she also can't be trusted to listen.I have had to speak to her before about her 'oversharing', but it clearly hasn't made any difference I have allowed her to have certain social media apps with the understanding I know her usernames/passwords etc, but she has just created several other accounts that I knew nothing about.

I haven't even spoken to her yet (her dad spoke to her briefly on Saturday after having a brief look at her phone, but I have found more since) and she just clammed up.
So I am really not sure how to approach this, I don't want to get angry with her but she also needs to see how inappropriate her behaviour has been and the blatant rule breaking with multiple social media accounts

Its a bloody minefield out there and I don't know what to do!

I know it really is a nightmare. There’s lots of advice out there about PREVENTING this stuff, but not what to do after you find it!

In our experience so far, we did the same. Locked out of certain apps (iPhone is good for this) etc etc. But we have found that she is now just doing the same thing but with a boy from school. It’s hard to know where to draw the line and know what is normal.

I think when you see this stuff from your own child you become de-sensitised because it’s so awful, but ultimately they’re only 13, so need to be protected

Wow. This is such sobering reading! I just came on to ask how often people check their DC's phones, as DD10, who I have allowed to participate in a couple of WhatsApp group chats with class mates during lockdown, has been receiving some unkind messages from a girl in her class who has her own phone, which presumably is not checked regularly by her parents.
I have probably naïvely imagined that parents check their kids' phones regularly, especially if DC are using social media platforms such as WhatsApp where the age limit is 16. I have been checking all exchanges on DD's groups; a few of her friends are also using their parents' phones, so I am really surprised that the girls who have their own phones (and are the ones who are being unkind and rude) don't seem to realise or care that their comments are seen by the other girls' parents.
About your DD, OP; I agree that you need to completely back-pedal here and restrict access. She'll kick off, but it'll be worth it. I distinctly remember the feeling when my mum strongly reaffirmed some boundaries which I had spectacularly transgressed at your DD's age. She laid down the law, I hated her, spent about 24 hours frantically plotting how I could regain my freedom to carry on as I had been (not a million miles off how your DD has been) and then realised reluctantly that it was a relief not to be able to 'go there' (dangerously out of control), feeling like my mum actually had my back.
Good luck, OP!

If your dd has an iPhone, you can set up strict security controls on it, adding a pin to change these. I have changed ds14's so that he can only download apps with my permission. Beware that if it is an app that they have previously downloaded and deleted it can be reloaded without asking for permission. You can delete safari, if needed and completely block things like Snapchat. You can also restrict how many hours it can be used for.

My ds used Snapchat to buy weed. I found out and he had all his apps and internet access removed for a long time - it essentially became a brick phone. He has only just earned the right back for the internet.

It sounds like your dd is in danger of being groomed. I would not hesitate to monitor and restrict her use, her safety is the most important thing.

Kids can bypass parental settings on iPhones, set up new Apple accounts, hack routers. Didn’t take my 12 year old more than a month of having IPhone on how to decode it all. Then they need phone for contacting friends and doing school work and you can’t physically get it off them.. I think once you’ve given your child internet access you’ve practically given Apple, Google, You-Tube Etc your child and you can’t undo it.

What's your suggestion then Kitchy40? I agree, it's incredibly hard, but it's important to keep at it. Having the argument and discussion with them is what helps them learn where the boundaries are, even if they break the rules.

@azaleanth90 If only I knew! After 6 months of serious battling, I think we have got him to leave phone downstairs at 9pm next to mine. Keep talking about safety, and ultimately they have got to learn to self- regulate, but even some adults can’t do that! I have lowered my expectations a lot too, I think they are teenagers younger these days too. I have parental controls on all most everything and he told me which 3 combinations of numbers my pins are! These kids are bright and switched on and there doesn’t seem to be any way you can discipline them without rest of family getting penalised. Just hoping my younger DS has learned from the arguments to behave, so far he seems to have. Good luck I guess a lot depends on the individual child.

Watch out for other kids giving your daughter their old phones. My coworker thought they had it under control and it turns out their daughter had a second secret phone!

I’ve been through this. I’m sure my posts are still up somewhere! DD just turned 15. We had this with her when she was 12,13 and 14. She has had SS involvement, police, Frankie, Mash. You name it. Every time we think she learnt, she didn’t. Every time I thought I could trust her, we couldn’t. Older men, older teens, Ones she knew - loads she didn’t.
She hasn’t had internet access since the last round which was April. She would cry at first about missing her friends, missing talking to them etc. She didn’t have any because she would blow them off for these people. She would send nudes to her friends bf’s. To their brothers. She didn’t have any awareness of what she was doing!
Anyways, we got the doctors involved and they ran a blood check. She had such a high level of sex hormones it was mind blowing. Normal levels are around 500ish and she had a recall of 943. It does not excuse her lack of judgement or her utter sh1t storm of a pattern but it’s in her. Does that even make sense? She also has PCOS which enraged this other hormones. She is now waiting for her referral to see a specialist about her hormones, with the possibility of having medication to slow them down. So they aren’t raging!
It’s such a tough road, but still giving her access will not help her. I’ve learnt this the hard way. Many many hard ways. Many many times.
I wish I never gave it back the first time. I wish I could go back and make her wait til she truly was ready. After what I saw (and read) I couldn’t even see my little girl anymore.
She is now banned until 16. A whole year to go because at least then she is 16 (this is a order from the police)
Sorry it was a ramble and a rant.