DS1, now 14, was a happy, affectionate child who did well at school, but he was always somewhat shy and lacking in confidence. Since he hit puberty (which started at an early age, when he was around 10) he has gone through periods of intense sulkiness. He had some friendship issues in Year 5/6 of primary school but he refused to discuss these with us. More recently, there have been angry outbursts and he has occasionally destroyed his own belongings and ours. Even on a good day, we are frequently told to go away when we try to engage with him.
Things seemed much improved in the early weeks of lockdown; he watched films with us, did some cooking and joined us for walks. But nine days ago, he lashed out at DS2 (aged 12) who was teasing him. DP angrily remonstrated with DS1, who descended into a sulk. When DP later tried to lighten the mood and establish a truce, DS1 tried to hit him as well, and then rode off on his bike for over two hours without telling us where he was going. We later discovered that he had smashed up his glasses in a rage, probably during the bike ride.
Since that incident, DS1 has mainly been lying in his room with the blind drawn. When we speak to him or ask him to do anything, he is rude and uncooperative. He emerges for meals but otherwise he won’t engage with us, even when we tell him we want to help him. We’ve made it clear that hitting DS2 is a line he mustn’t cross, however irritating he finds him. We have also confiscated his phone and said that he needs to tell us what he has done with his glasses and pay for a new pair (he doesn’t know that I found the smashed pair hidden in his room). He refuses to speak to us about this.
Last week we spoke to a child psychologist, which was useful, but there seems to be absolutely no prospect of getting DS1 to see her. I’ve been lying awake at night worrying and I feel as though his presence in the house casts a huge shadow over the whole family. I find myself dwelling on the mistakes I’ve made as a parent and wondering if I could have handled things differently. There have been times in the past when no doubt I’ve been inconsistent, not strict enough (under the guise of ‘choosing my battles’) or conversely too strict or overbearing; I have also lost my temper with him on a few occasions, which I am not proud of and which I apologised for at the time. The bottom line, though, is that most of the parents I know have made mistakes but their teenagers are nowhere near as bad as this; in fact, many of them are charming. It pains me that my own son is so unpleasant, angry and selfish, not to mention deeply unhappy.
I think our strategy should probably be to stand firm, refuse to give back the phone until he addresses what happened to his glasses, remain calm and approachable, and just get on with our lives until he chooses to engage, but it’s difficult not to be affected by everything that’s going on. I worry about the effect on DS2, who has a completely different personality. I am also fearful about what the next few months hold. DS1 is refusing to do any of the schoolwork that has been set for him over the summer and I think it’s quite possible he will drop out of the various sports clubs he belongs to when they resume in September; he has form for pulling out of matches at short notice when his mood is low. I worry that, if this sort of behaviour continues, he will seriously mess up his future. I’m also grieving for the sunny, affectionate boy he used to be. Can anyone offer any insights or suggestions? Thank you.