Dh and Ds14 always fighting...

[mamaduckbone]

... and I'm tired of it.
For context, dh was at home with ds14 for the last part of lockdown - I was back at work and ds11 returned to school for the last few weeks (y6) so it was just the two of them and I think they are largely just sick of each other.
It now seems that ds only has to do the tiniest thing and dh is on his case - he has such a low tolerance level for what I class as normal teenage behaviour. The trouble is, ds then retaliates in quite a hurtful way to dh and the whole situation escalates.

Ds isn't a bad kid - he can be rude and selfish at times, (show me a teen who isn't) but he worked hard on his school work during lockdown and is generally quite loving, helps around the house...it could be worse.

Dh thinks I undermine him and that I'm too soft on ds and defend him all the time, which is causing arguments between us. My view is pick your battles, and that I would rather communicate than rule with an iron fist, as we're more likely to keep him talking to us through the inevitable teenage dramas if we don't alienate him. I don't want home to be a place that he wants to get away from because he's always being moaned at.

Aargh!! Parenting teenagers is so hard. We've never argued over how to parent our kids before. Has anyone overcome this? I'm not looking forward to 6 weeks of summer in a constant bad atmosphere.

I don’t have any answers but I could have written the above about my DH and 12 year old DS. Thankfully DH is back at work now but he’s on DS case as soon as he gets home. My step daughter tells me he was the same with his eldest son, who is now an adult - I think he just has different expectations of how children should behave. Having been a teacher for 20 years I can tell you DS behaviour is totally normal. So no advice, sorry, but misery loves company

Tell your DH is he continues on this path with his DS he will likely avoid him when he leaves home. My eldest dislikes his father for behaving in the same way. I was always in the middle and I did not support my DH methods. It was almost like two gorrillas challenging each other for top spot. Pathetic and i expected more from my DH.

Thank you for the solidarity!
The thing is, they actually have loads in common and when they're not fighting they have a great relationship. I think they are actually too similar.

I'm finding it hard to practise what I preach and be the patient parent this weekend - we've just got home from a few days away and ds thinks that he should now have free rein to do as he pleases, sit on the PlayStation for any second of the day that he's not out with mates...again, I realise it's fairly standard teen behaviour but it's so very wearing, and he just rolls his eyes at any suggestion that what he wants to** do might not be compatible with what the rest of us have in mind.
...and breathe.
It might be a looonnnng summer.

Another one here who could've written this! I'm sick of arguments between them and arguments between DH and I when he says I'm not backing him up
I wish there was a solution. Sometimes it's so bad that I think it will split us up as a family.

Could they re bond by spending sometime together? Go for a walk or bike ride

I was discussing this sort of thing with ds and my friends step daughter the other day. I’m a single mum to a 13yo boy.

We decided it’s easier for teens to get on with their opposite sex parent as it’s less intense and came to the conclusion that when her dad talks to her about behaviour it feels like he’s telling her what to do but when her mum does it it feels like she’s telling her who to be.

There doesn’t seem to be an extra intense edge to same sex parent and child relationships.

When I suggested that she was like omg you’ve just totally described how it feels lol. She was then able to analyse the differences in how she reacts to her mum differently to her dad.

Might be a conversation worth having with dh and ds? Might help both of them examine their feelings and behaviour without blame as the focus?

Unhelpful typo in first post. There DOES seem to be an extra intensity in same sex parent/child relationships. On both sides it seems to feel way more personal.

Even as a teacher I find it’s easier to repair a fractured relationship with an opposite sex student than same. I am guilty of sometimes saying boys are more forgiving or can be made to laugh and diffuse more easily but maybe my male colleagues have the opposite experience?

Thanks for the interesting perspective TheHoneyBadger - I hadn't really thought about it like that. Things have settled down a bit, helped by dh being out of the house more so the intensity has eased.