My 12yr old hates me

[sweetief]

I'm sure this has been said before, but my 12 yr old hates me 😞😭. She was brilliant at the start of lockdown, whereas her older sister was a nightmare and found it really hard. Now it's swapped. She won't do anything with me, eg watch TV, play a game, cook, won't see friends, moans that I'm trying to get her to do sociable things. She just told me to go away after I went to see if she was alright after a squabble with her sister, and she just told me to go away and leave her alone. It's heartbreaking. I don't know how to connect with her right now. She won't let me anywhere near her. Hand hold and advice gratefully received. 😭

my dd is 11 but i work with teenagers. a great way of understanding their brains is getting a glass jar and putting water and glitter in it and screwing the top back on. Shake it up and wait for it to settle, they can't talk or rationalise until the moment passes iyswim.

often what gets them talking is something physical like a dog walk that avoids eye contact and any pressure, sometimes a different focus is better

plus, just like the terrible twos, this isn't personal and it will pass

Thank you. I wish I could get her to come on a dog walk with me. I like the jar idea. I just can't remember the last time she chatted cheerfully with me. Any more ideas to get her talking?

This is a really tough time with kids. I think they are starting to get fed up themselves. My 7 year old is a nightmare to get out the house now where as before she would come running with me.

My eldest is 25, I really believe they rotate in cycles from being your best friend to being a demon. ( I get on brilliantly with her now )

Honestly it will pass. Just give her space, when she is back in school it will even out.

Sweet if you went and sat in a room by yourself would she eventually come and find you - just to see what you were doing?

I found that if one of them was bring an arse and I took myself away eventually they would come looking to see where I was

It always worked better than asking them if they wanted to do something.

I have v similar with my just turned 13 year old DD. I second the leaving her be. I know that feels counterintuitive but I go up in the morning bright and cheery to see how she is. She retreats to her room afterwards and then leave her be. She does come down eventually. I have learnt that asking her what is wrong or trying to get her to talk is the opposite of what works. The only thing she will really do with me is watch tv together every night after her younger brother has gone to bed (I think that started as it meant she got to stay up later but it has now become something we do every night) . It's nice and we laugh at the same things and sometimes now discuss in the day what happened the night before etc.
It's not much but it does bond us in some way. It's really hard but try not to take it personally (although I too can't help it sometimes)

If its any consolation I have the same problems myself. It is so hard and upsetting. I have cried a few times but as pp have said just ride the wave until it passes.

My dd would not come looking for me if I was in another room all day. She would come out for food but give a one word answer. I do feel like the enemy at the moment.

Agree. Leave them be and let them come to you if you are irritating them. That's what i do

I could have written this post, except my 12 year old DD also has a terrible temper on her so screams at me often. It's heart breaking. I know she's struggling but she refuses to talk to me or her older sister. Just tells us she hates us.

My eldest was never like this, we had fall outs occasionally but she was generally quite laidback.

I have a 12 yr old DD. At the start if lockdown, she was her normal happy, loving self. However over the last couple of weeks, she has been awfully behaved. Before lockdown she was maturing and becoming more independent, but I swear she has now regressed to behavior I saw when she was a much younger child. It has coincided with the school contacting the pupils re moving up to Yr 8. I am hoping that when she goes back to school, things settle down.

Thanks everyone. It does help to know it's not just me. I left her for an hour last night, then went in to say good night. Unexpectedly burst into tears on her, and she was quite sweet to me. I have suggested she write a list of things she wants to do over summer, ignoring the lockdown situation, and I can try to adapt them to be socially distanced. She said she doesn't understand the new lock down rules and didn't think we could do anything. Small steps, but I did go to bed feeling slightly better. Feel awful for crying in front of her, but maybe it was needed.

@sweetief I think us mums need them more than we need them and we miss doing things with them. They just want to chat to friends and we want them to chat to us.
I was in car with my 17 year old one day chatting away but when I stopped the car and asked a question she said why couldn't you ask me that when you where driving.
So they want to talk when you not looking.
We just have to accept they are growing up and need us less.
But 12 is a bit young to start.
At 12 mine would not have let me go to shop without her.
Met boys and then she didn't need me as much.

The lockdown has not helped at all. It has got them in a rut for staying in not doing much.
My dd has missed out on her birthday, school activity holiday and so much more. I guess consequences are bound to show coupled with the hormones.