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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Honest opinions please

7 replies

Feellikedancingyeah · 18/07/2020 01:33

dS (age 14) has just gone to bed. He just spent two and half hours solid of shouting at me and Ds. Saying some horrible things like he wishes DH would burn on a stake and he would watch it happen. Keeps saying we aren't his real parents and he doesn't love us (adopted as a baby). Pushed me hard a few times. Coming up to my face aggressively, staring into my eyes. Saying we are soft and he wants us to do something so he "can be triggered". Wanting confrontation from us. Got his fists balled up all the time. He put on his sparring glove and kept punching the wall etc. Told him yet again about disturbing neighbours but he just says he doesn't care.
He was accusing DH of staring at his computer every day - (he is working from home!). Saying that all I have done is sit in the garden, despite me offering to take him out. He refuses to go out and just wants to be on his phone all day. He does have about 90 minutes of exercise a day but it's not enough.
We've told him he can forget his martial arts class unless he makes some big
changes in his attitude and self control.
This is all because he wants his playstation back, which he lost before for this very same behaviour last July. He had several chances but kept showing extreme aggression.
During lockdown he bruised a bone in my arm by punching it, I rang the child neurodisability clinic (ADHD)and was given a telephone consultation appointment lbut it was cancelled. Have also asked for help from the MAST team by phone and e mail but still no help.
He never wants hugs and it's quite chilling to be honest. He clearly has a complex range of issues and I'm not sure who can help with it all

OP posts:
eausolovely · 18/07/2020 02:01

Maybe see if he can access any kind of counselling? Not sure what would be available at the minute mind. He sounds like he has a lot of feelings he hasn't really processed yet (14/15 is a rough time to be fair but you have to feel safe in your home). He may find it easier to talk to a complete stranger about this kind of thing than you guys. It's difficult because on the one hand his behavior is out of order but I always remember this thing a lecturer once told me "hurt dogs howl the loudest" It means that kids or adults who are most vocal/violent are often very troubled themselves.

Hope you are okay, it must be a really tough situation where you feel a bit at a loss but I'm sending lots of love your way!

lukasiak · 18/07/2020 02:31

Can I just kindly suggest that maybe taking away the martial arts classes is not the best action plan? Sport is so important for mental health, especially in the world we are living in at the moment. And ESPECIALLY if what he is arguing over is the playstation. Martial arts in particular is well known for increasing self-control and patience. If anything, I would be looking at if there was a way I could increase the number of hours he is participating in it, rather than decreasing.

Mnhealth202020 · 18/07/2020 03:13

He needs professional help before he spirals further out of control and becomes a violent adult

As long as he isn’t aggressive or behaving inappropriately towards others during his martial arts class, it could be a good thing for him to continue. He can get rid of his pent up anger and excess energy in a health, supervised way. I know it’s an old stereotype but I do think certain types of people are attracted to “weird” sports like this, it could be a release for his aggression

So have you taken away his PlayStation for a year now? Not saying that’s a bad thing, just that it could explain some of the resentment

copperoliver · 18/07/2020 03:35

I'd say he's definitely got more than ADHD. Hope you manage to get help soon. I feel like he might need some sort of medication.
Do you know anything about his biological parents mental health. ? X

BarbedBloom · 19/07/2020 13:22

It may also be worth posting on the adoption boards. Adopted children can become angry and resentful once they hit their teens, so you may also get some good advice there

Countrylivingcityworking · 27/08/2020 06:42

You need to get him sent away to a correctional centre for kids. This is only going to hm get worse. I’d take away his phone and ALL internet access. He will become abusive if you let this continue. Be hard on him with a bit of tough love.

Rosebud2005 · 27/08/2020 13:23

@Countrylivingcityworking

You need to get him sent away to a correctional centre for kids. This is only going to hm get worse. I’d take away his phone and ALL internet access. He will become abusive if you let this continue. Be hard on him with a bit of tough love.
Do you have direct experience with looked after children? I’m guessing not as nobody would ever come out with such a cutting opinion as you need to get him sent away! How hurtful was that? Think before you speak!

Hi Feellikedancing, I would highly recommend you come over to the adopters area where a lot of us know exactly what you are going through. My ds is also 14, adopted at 7. He was settling at first and after a few months started aiming anger at me. For us, it lasted about five months really but that’s not to say he hasn’t felt anger at times over the years. I’m happy for you to PM me anytime x

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