Dd14 is harassing her best friend- pls help!

[Zumbalady]

We’ve had a very difficult year with my DD for various reasons but prior to the last year she was well popular, doing well at school, now she has developed lots of friendship issues etc. Think it’s a combination of more scendary school pressure, girls being nasty etc. We have been trying to deal with things gently at home but it’s hard as she’s very sensitive and it sometimes feels like living with a volcano. I’m even seeking help from a therapist but it’s early days and she’s not really speaking properly to her yet

She doesn’t have many friends but the few she has are very intense. If she has a ‘fallout’ it it’s like it is the end of the world and the whole family suffers. I checked her phone last night and realised that her conversation with her best friend (who she thinks has let her down) reads very much as my Dd harrsssing this poor girl (forcing her to speak even though this girls clearly needed space)

Any idea how I help her manage her friendships so she learns to be less ‘intense’ and spread herself over more friendships....I’m really worried about her relationships in the future if I don’t address this.

But this has to be balanced with the fact that she really doesn’t like me interfering so I feel like I’m in a no win situation

You have my sympathy OP. I have two girls...one 15 and one 12.

I can offer you a bit of insight from the other side of the table as it were. My oldest Dd's best mate is 14 and she's very wonderful but very, very insecure.

She is already forming co-dependent relationships and does a similar thing to my DD as your DD is doing to her friend.

Luckily, my DD is very emotionally mature and deals with it well without feeling that she needs to end the relationship.

The best friend in our case has had a very rocky history with friends...three times in her past, her "bestie" has dumped her with little explanation so she's quite insecure and needy.

DD thinks she should seek counselling and DD also says she has very low self esteem. Doesn't think she's pretty or talented despite being both...she's actually very, very gifted as a singer but doesn't seem to be at all aware of the extent of her own talent.

Does your DD have self esteem issues? Think she's not as pretty as her friends?

If she does, then can you try to begin really building her confidence about herself and her talents?

Op it all sounds completely normal to me. Teen girls are naturally very intense, hormones etc. I have two teen girls and what you have described to me is just an every day thing. It will ease once they are around sixteen years of age. The best thing you can do is listen attentively, show some support and nod along. You don't need to get emotionally involved or upset. Just accept that this is a stage like all the others and it will pass.

Why is dd seeing a therapist? It this linked to the issues with friendships or something else?

Is she bullying this other girl?

I would also stop reading her phone messages, is she happy to let you do this? If you feel she is being too needy ask her to reread her messages before sending, and to sometimes respond the next day. She may not thank you for getting involved though!!

I would stay out of it, she is too old to be micromanaged.

Totally normal. I’m a mum of 3 girls, it does get easier and they do need to learn the hard way without you interfering but supporting and offering a calm and loving environment at home.

What are the other issues you have had with your DD? I cant help but think this is part of a bigger picture.

I think at 14 you should definitely be monitoring their phone/social media/online activity 🧐
I've worked in safeguarding for the last 12 years and around 14 is about the time that things can go really awry. And not as rare as you think.

But in response to your OP, you're probably looking at it with mature eyes, your DD doesn't have the benefit of hindsight yet. She's probably feeling very insecure, a rite of passage for the teenage years. Build her self esteem in other ways, encourage her independence, a hobby to broaden her social circle. Teens are a minefield. Good luck.

zippy There is a big difference in monitoring a teenager's phone to phone and getting involved to such a degree that you are reading messages between friends.
It is not a safe guarding issue in the sense that no one is being exploited, and will seem to me to be an invasion of privacy. I also work in an area where I see the horrible end of exploitation, and would say the cases I work with they tend to be younger. By the age of fourteen most seem to have a handle on the dangers.

If you're aware she's almost crossing the line with her friend, you need to intervene. You have a duty to both your daughter and the wellbeing of the other young person on the receiving end.

There's lots of resources at the moment promoting mental wellbeing and it's worth actively exploring tools to build emotional resilience and what a healthy friendship looks like.

In the short term, you should step in to help with communication boundaries and reminding DD about how she would feel if the friendship goes south when it may be avoidable.

We all should be less passive about such things. Otherwise we risk telling girls that they shouldn't assert their needs whenever others impact their emotional and mental wellbeing.

I would say thoroughly checking the phone at 14 is absolutely necessary. Abuse and grooming can happen online and be hidden as a ‘normal’ friendship.

I’ve worked in this area and it is 100% the advice I would give to all parents.

With regards to the friendship- can you broach it by watching a tv show together and then discussing the issues of friendship that it raises? It’s quite a common theme in teen dramas so you could do it naturally without ‘interfering’ and hopefully help her identify in herself when she’s overstepping.

My DD is 12 and going through the same thing, it’s agonising isn’t it. I have previously tried to help resolve things and become really anxious myself in the process! But now I’m going to follow @madbirdlady’s advice and let her get on with it. I think enforcing time when phone is off is a good thing, as is encouraging them to actually talk on the phone rather than so many text messages, and lots of fresh air and access to nature.

Let her sort her own friendship out and learn about consequences of shabby behaviour. If she unpleasant to friends she’ll be lonely; very good life lesson to learn.

Parents rushing in to manage the relationships of fourteen year olds is just silly.

The way you describe her sounds like she could do with being told to behave herself. Sensitive and Volcano sounds like you’re treading on eggshells around her and that’s not good for any child.

Thanks so much for all messages so far, they are mostly very supportive

With the exception of Cherrypavlova- I’m not sure you have experience of a teen daughter or if you do you’ve had a very easy one. I have anOther DD now aged 17, and absolutely never had these issues with her! Hence I only kept a very ‘loose’ eye on her phone, but never to the extent of reading messages- so thanks for your advice but I really don’t you get this

To those PPs who have asked sympathetically about why I’m reading her phone and whether other issues are at play- I’m reading Dd14s messages because she has been unhappy generally and takes it out in the family. I’ve worked out that a lot of it is related to her feeling down about friendship issues, hence am having to look into this a lot more than I’d like to, ideally

I will post more about her general issues later as am out for the day now- but yes her self esteem has taken a massive dive over the last year, (and can’t find any more serious reason other than low self esteem and not being able to negotiate friendship stuff successfuly) hence the therapist

When my daughter started secondary school she was in a wide friendship group - she goes to all girls school- within that year the group eventually got smaller, year 8 was still OK still exploring friendships etc then year 9-10 her friendship group was down to 4! I was just thinking phew that should be settled now but no- girls have change of hearts so quickly, they get bored with each other, want to move to other groups then come back I must say this secondary school years have been a rollercoaster with low and high emotions now my DD is 15 and she finds the friendships she longs for in boys' friendship she says no drama, easy going no judgement no stabbing at the backshe still has girl friends she talks daily sometimes hangs out very limited due to the current circumstances of course but her best mates are boys! I have put in another post here as this was worrying me too but in fact thinking about it, it shouldn't matter as long as she is happy! I must add she is more mature emotionally than her age group maybe it is because she is an only child and we are a small family with no cousins either

I was also going to say so your DD is 14 I think this year was the worst of times in our rollercoaster times so give it a time and try not to worry too much, things find its way eventually

I agree with the posters saying let her sort it out herself, unless she asks you for help.

Any idea how I help her manage her friendships so she learns to be less ‘intense’ and spread herself over more friendships.

Not sure this is a good goal to have? It sounds like you’d rather she have many superficial level friends instead of her few more intense friends? Yes you’re less likely to get hurt or to hurt, but that way leads to chronic loneliness.

That said, those ages are the drama ages. Their hormones make everything seem more serious and intense than it really is. Their world is still very new and constrained to a bubble of school friends. All I was really able to do was give advice when asked and also teach them how to interact with others in a disagreement by modelling good tactics in my interactions with her.

I’m not sure you have experience of a teen daughter or if you do you’ve had a very easy one.

Yes, plenty of experience of teenage girls and yes, have seen my own through teenage years and into adulthood.

You're over involved and undermining her self confidence by not trusting her to develop her own relationships. Being perpetually happy is an unrealistic expectation to place on any child; they need to be supported to understand that being miserable over friendships sometimes is completely normal and not some pathological disorder that they need their parents to sort out. Listen, but don't intervene and don't accept a rough patch with their friends as an reason the rest of the family need to be on eggshells, They can become prima donnas for a while but no need to encourage that by pandering to it.

I agree with the above post! When I was getting heavily involved in her relationships with the large girl group, then smaller group- I found myself getting more upset and more worried but then one day my dd said to me 'mum please stop trying to make my life easier and let me learn it for myself- I will work it out' this made me pause a moment and think- of course I have listened to/still listening to my audiobooks about raising teens, teen brain etc so I have gone back to listening to those - in fact she was right so I am learning to step back and listen, sometimes they only want you to listen but do nothing else, no advice pep talk just listen and when I did that I noticed she has become more relaxed and tension between us has gone-almost!!! Of course sometimes I cannot help myself to make further comments but then it is fine too! I think

I'm pleased I'm not the only person experiencing this. I've found it really hard not to get involved. I've spent the last 11 years of her life completely involved, but this is all part of the process isn't it...
Lockdown has been really hard for them though, normally they'd be at school, in lessons, mind take off it all, and they could sort stuff out face to face over lunch, but being at home with constant access to phones and so many texts sent, just seem to heighten the anxiety.
Good luck OP, and to the rest of us mums of teens.

Sorry op, but I think it is a massive overreaction to see a therapist because she is having friendship issues and low self confidence.
All teen girls have friendship issues, and issues with life in general, it is normal and natural and it sounds like you are making much more out of this than necessary.

Confidence and self esteem comes with age and maturity. Teen girls at 14 are not known for having masses of self confidence, it is usually age of feeling quite self conscious.
Things you can do to help develop this would be team sports that she find enjoyable or has a natural talent for, time with you doing fun and easy going things such as shopping or out for coffee to chat, researching ideas on how to manage friendship problems when they arise, positive body image and role models. All these things steadily build up a child's resilience. Comparing her to her older sister, and telling her she needs clinical help really will just reinforce her unhappiness and unease, although you are just trying to help, I think you are over helping.

Your job is not to take over at this stage, but to stand back or you risk undermining her.

Cancel the therapist and start championing her efforts. Rather than reading and criticising her messages, tell her you know she can handle things well, and have every faith in her. When she fails ask what lessons were learnt, and she needs to pick herself up again and try again. It is hard I know, because we want to fix everything, but now it is time your dd learnt DIY herself and how to manage and fix her own life.

She has been unhappy and her moods have been dominating our family life for the last year. Without going into details these were quite extreme. This is the reason why we started with the therapist, not for ‘friendship issues’. She has a lot of difficulty expressing her feelings and I want her to learn to express her feelings in a more healthy way
I myself have been exploring the reasons for her unhappiness by talking to her and keeping a watchful eye on things (without making her too aware of this), with the aim of helping her through whatever difficulties she is having. One of these difficulties seems to be the friendship issues. Whenever she has been particularly moody and having meltdowns it has usually been a situation with friends that has been at the bottom of it (which she has then told me later) so I guess I’m looking for more proactive ways of helping her through this
Pondlife- you make a very good point. I think the lack of normality, lack of routine of school structure etc in recent months has made these issues magnified. It feels like social media and phone use has an even bigger hold on our children than it would normally

Social media definitely affects mood. I notice it in my girls too, and it can make them feel irrationally angry and upset. I am not sure I would cope seeing my friends posting photos together, and I had not been invited, or parties or even just others have fun and I was not there. It is very hard to take when you are fourteen. Endless streams of perfect lives and perfect bodies. We have been in lockdown and there is precious little to do, and then lockdown itself has been so hard on teens. You sound like a very caring parent, and very keen to look out for her. She will be just fine.

That's girls - let it run its own course

Honestly that is part of raising teens.

Good luck.