New remote relationship

[Plumbuddle]

Just worried and wondering what other mums feel. My son aged 17 has never had a real gf. He formed a remote relationship with someone in a WhatsApp group relating to extracurricular activities two years ago, they met irl mainly as the mums negotiated it and it fizzled out. Now cut to lockdown and he has met another girl his age this time in a far distant town and they r sending each other essentially self made pornography but also talking too and want to meet after lockdown. But seemingly having hours and hours of remote sex at all times of day and night. In lockdown style living like ours it's kind of hard not to notice it going on. It really affects the rest of the household.

DH feels it's his business not ours but we've had the talk to check he is not exploiting her.

I know covid makes everything very different but I'm not comfortable with this at all and especially some of the imagery which is quite sadistic. It just doesn't feel the right way to be introduced to sexual relationships.

I feel he is also on adult porn sites and just using this girl as she is willing to hand all this over with no obstacles.

Just wondering what others have to say. It all feels so disrespectful

Hi OP , just trying to understand. You can hear him 'virtually' doing the deed? That is disrespectful in itself and becomes your business as it's your house

How do you know the imagery is sadistic? How do you even know they're sending images?
If it's true then I'd be very concerned, and he shouldn't be accessing porn. Can you remove all IT devices until there's sufficient safety locks on everything?!

How does it affect the entire household? And how do you know the images are sadistic? I think fair enough have a chat with him and remind him to be respectful to the girl and also to everyone else living in the house if he isn’t currently. But he’s 17 and almost an adult so surely is capable of carrying out his own relationships?

I don't think you can put locks on a 17yos access to the internet these days especially in lockdown. This generation has been so emotionally damaged by covid isolation.

My son is not a routine teen, he has some neurological differences and is sensory seeking. He has no real friends. He was beginning to make a friend at fe college just before lockdown but that he has not pursued in the way you would expect once people were permitted to meet in parks etc. It's as if when it was cut off by outside events, it Died the death. I don't think it is a coincidence that the girlfriend is remote. He had plenty of chances to meet girls at fe or in a couple of youth groups he attends but has done nothing irl.

I know about the content partly because he locks himself into the bathroom for hours with odd things like glitter or sellotape being found on the floor later, I have found home made garb in his room, he cannot be separated from a woman's wig which keeps turning up, he has even brought it away with him on holiday. I have from time to time confiscated his phone due to constant use only to see his home made fantasy scenes on there, and finally I have seen him at it with the girlfriend at 3am in our front room only to be told in a later argument about his constantly sneaking his ohone into his room at night that when we have managed to part him from his phone in the night he just goes on the Internet in other ways.

I think this is all very odd and just wondered what to do about the girl if anything. I admit I am really disturbed and don't think any of this seems normal. But dh takes the view it is not our business and we should not interfere. Frankly how would one interfere. I just feel it is going in a bizarre direction and wish I could help. If I was the girls parents in this situation I would want to protect her from this. From what he knows though she appears to be a genuine a level student.