Daughter constantly telling lies.

[Si1883]

Afternoon all,

I have a 14 yo daughter who has decided that now is a good time to tell lies to us. We discovered she had gone to a seaside resort with an 18yo boy and one of her friends. They had used the old you tell your parents this and I'll tell mine that routine!

When confronted here, she still denied it and I had to admit to speaking to her friends parents to offer them some petrol money/food money that they thought their daughter was with us!

We have now grounded her for a week and will then let her go out on a limited curfew after she has completed her school work. Is this too harsh? She's not behind in school - rather doing really well. She won't come out of her room or talk to either of us. She is particularly nasty to her mum despite me being the one to impose all the sanctions! and help of previous experience would be great!

I think you are doing the right thing by setting those boundaries and sticking to them. She needs to know that she has to be honest with you. I would also try and use this time positively to rebuild your relationship and hopefully let her know she can be honest with you. Point out she is grounded for the lying and not the original act.

14 year olds do push boundaries and tell lies to avoid getting into trouble, and I think lock down has been particularly hard on them.
However at 18 the older teenager your daughter has been out with is an adult and she is a child. I would be more concerned about the nature of their relationship and that he is encouraging her to lie about her whereabouts. I do always feel suspicious of why an 18 year old male would be wishing to hang around 14 year old girls. Do you know the male? Do you know how she has come to be friends with him?

You need to be alert to the risks to your daughter as she is at a vulnerable age. Keeping your reactions calm, balanced and non judgemental will help her feel more able to confide in you and hopefully the lying will naturally reduce over time.

We had this when my DD was 15. Exactly the same kind of lie that she also tried to bluster out with her after she was busted. The difference was it was a party she'd wanted to stay out all night at and we'd said she had to be home by a certain point (so she invented a sleepover, completed with texts to me from the other child's "mum")

We sat down and had a family meeting about it, without blame or acrimony. It wasn't about punishments, it was about keeping her safe. We talked about what would happen if something were to go wrong for her and how we would be unable to help her if she lied. We talked needing to be able to trust her.
She talked about her frustration about wanting to do what her friends were doing.

For us, the bottom line wasn't the lie, it was about trust and safety, and we didn't end up punishing her. Punishments don't work anyway, imho, they just build resentment and make the person more determined to 'get away' with it next time.

The end of it for us was that she was allowed some more freedoms, but we were all open with each other about what was happening and our anxieties for her.

In your situation it is more worrying because of the involvement of this 18 yr old (do you know this person?) and there is a potential safeguarding risk to your child.

But open discussion is the way forwards, I think.

good luck.

I don’t think you are being too hard on her OP. The first time our then 14 year old got caught in a lie (the old sleepover ruse) we had a discussion about safety like Prosecco. Fast forward a year later and we were lied to about her escaping at night to meet a boy we didn’t know. Twice. We were slow to catch on. Our trust and good faith had seriously been violated and she had put herself at risk. We grounded her and took phone away. That has passed and now she has a limited curfew until we regain trust/see an understanding about safety. Honestly I wish we had been tougher the first time. But like the other posters my big concern would be the 18 year old.

Forgot to say that like the other posters it’s not just about setting boundaries (and in our case learning not to be so naive because yes teens lie and think they have it all under control- we are just overreacting). It’s also about letting her know that you love her and are concerned for her welfare. Remain calm but clear.

this article may be helpful op

As others have said, talking and explaining why what she's done is wrong is more important than the punishment.

My biggest worry has always been teenage boy racers/drivers, I've explained to my kids over and over that the biggest danger is getting into a car with a teenage boy who will show off speeding and crash the car. The passengers are far more likely to get killed than the driver.

When I was a teenager a friend died in a car accident at 19 and another friend was in car which was in an accident, where 2 teenagers were killed.

As others have said it sounds like you need a heart to heart to explain safety to her.

She may tell you they had sex so you might want to have a pregnancy test to hand too.

Do you know what story the other girl told her parents? It would be interesting to see if both stories match.

An older guy with two children is well dodgy.

Many parents give their children a phone on condition that they have the PIN number for it and are allowed to check it whenever they want. Now would be a good time to do that and see what the hells been going on.

The police may have to be involved as that man should not have been with children.

My dd says she lies because if she told the truth I wouldn't let her go to the place she wants to go.
She actually admitted one day the more I kick off about her going to a certain area off town the more she wants to go.
There is a party there tomorrow and I'm completely agitated about her going to it but she is 17 and I can't physically stop her.