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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Where to find new friends

10 replies

vilamoura2003 · 08/07/2020 23:14

DD has always been the same, spent primary years in a village primary school, didn't quite manage to fit in with the "in crowd" even though she desperately wanted to.

Secondary school has been no different really. She so wants to have good friends, but just can't seem to find them. Now she's moving into year 11 it seems all the things I would have done to encourage her to meet new people such as clubs and activities (specifically Rangers or Cadets or trampolining), are considered uncool.

She sometimes gets quite upset as she is on the periphery of a couple of girls, but they often do things without her and then she feels left out. We've had years about it 😕

I'm running out of ideas to help her and finding it increasingly frustrating - I see nice girls, I say "why don't you chat to them", she says they're not her kind of people. She doesn't want to be in with the girls who wear make up and hand bags 🙄 She doesn't want to be in with the nerds 🤷‍♀️ I've tried and tried to lecture about opening her horizons and how I accept people for who they are and maybe she should too.

Any ideas 🤷‍♀️ I don't want her to grow up lonely because she's an only child, but I can't believe in 240 secondary kids in her year at school that she can't connect with a good group of girls to be pals with?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated 👍

OP posts:
SE13Mummy · 09/07/2020 01:28

What has your DD tried so far to get to know people? From your description, she seems to have a very clear idea of what she doesn't want e.g. uncool, make-up, nerds but I'm wondering who is left?! Friendship involves taking risks as well as behaving like a friend so it will need her to be the one to make the first move sometimes, to follow up a text message even if it's not technically her 'turn', to pretend to be interested in something she knows nothing about as a way of finding out how someone ticks etc. I also wonder why your DD has decided that having no friends is preferable to doing an uncool activity that might lead to a close friendship. Has she got such a fixed idea of what her potential close friend will be like that she's cut off any chance of other possible friendships because she's 'saving herself? Has she ever had uncool friends? What's the worst thing that might happen to her if she went along to uncool cadets/Rangers and made some friends there? How does that compare to her current friendship situation? How does she think the uncool activity people feel about each other/their activity? Does it being uncool matter more or less than whether or not it's fun/friends go along? Who does it matter to that it's uncool?

I think it's hard for teenagers to feel anything other than awkward about the idea of actively trying to make friends and is sometimes easier to look at what they can do to be a friend instead e.g. send someone a photo of the work they missed in science that day, wait for someone who's being spoken to by the teacher at the end of the lesson, asking if they're walking to the bus stop, noticing something about their hair, basically doing anything that isn't hiding in the school library or scrolling through a phone during break and lunchtime. If she really can't bring herself to engage with anyone in her year group, perhaps she could offer to support the new Y7s when they come up - that's bound to give her an opportunity to practise her friendship skills but in a less threatening environment maybe.

KickAssAngel · 09/07/2020 02:05

My DD is exactly like this. She's also diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. This shut down is just terrible for her and I worry that she's regressing socially. She does get on with people from school and sometimes texts them but somehow she's always on the edge of a group rather than part of it.
In more normal times she has a part time job at a bar, goes to a local youth center for a writing club and also does some volunteer work through a group at school. She does need quite a lot of down time at home or she gets bad anxiety. She used to have a group that met up socially but that's all stopped for Covid.
She spends a lot of time online and has some virtual friends. I have very mixed feelings about that.
DD is also an only child and we live thousands of miles from family so she doesn't even see much of her cousins. I don't have any easy answers except to find some activity she does like and then be willing to get her there. That's all I can do for mine.

AlexaShutUp · 09/07/2020 02:35

I have a dd just going into year 11 too, also an only child. I agree with the previous poster that the main problem is that your dd is being too narrow-minded about which kids would make suitable friends. Clearly you have already identified this yourself, but it would be worth exploring what's driving it. It might be due to anxiety about how she will be perceived, or lack of confidence on her part, but the reality is, she won't find many friends until she is able to address it.

My dd islis very lucky, in that she has always been blessed with a facility for making friends, and she has a very wide and eclectic network. Other kids often express surprise at the breadth and diversity of her friendships. However, she would tell you that this is definitely not an accident. She makes a deliberate and active effort to talk to everyone, cool or not cool. She simply doesn't categorise people in the way that many of her peers do, and she doesn't feel that someone needs to be similar to her to be her friend. She just takes people as she finds them. If she considers them to be nice, she doesn't care if they are boys or girls, older than her or younger than her, the nerdy type, the handbag-carrying, makeup wearing type, the "roadman" type, the shy wallflower type or the life and soul of the party. She is kind and inclusive, and doesn't judge people by superficial stuff. She makes a particular effort to include new kids and kids who otherwise seem to get excluded. She doesn't wait for others to come to her, and in lockdown, she has made an active effort to stay in touch with a wide range of people.

I'm not saying any of this to boast, but rather because, making friends has never come very easily to me, and I have learned so much from watching my dd's approach. It has been a revelation, and I finally understand where I have been going wrong all these years!

DdD gets asked for advice a lot by other kids. She mentioned one girl the other day who was struggling with friendships because she felt that she could only really relate to people who shared the same niche interests and taste in music. DD was trying to get her to see that she needed to cast the net much wider, and explore friendships with people who weren't necessarily just like her. The same girl was also worried that people would not welcome any attempts to be friendly because their various friendship groups were already well established. Again, dd was encouraging her to just give it a go.

DD also does a lot of extracurricular stuff (mainly dance/drama and some voluntary work), and this has certainly expanded her network outside of school while also giving her something interesting to talk about. However, the same thing applies - just going to the groups isn't enough, you have to take the initiative to talk to people when you're there. FWIW, I don't think dd cares a jot whether it's cool to have hobbies or not, because she loves doing them.

Reflecting on my own experience and watching what I've learnt from dd, I think the biggest thing is somehow overcoming the fear of rejection. Try to get your dd to think about the worst thing that could happen if she got snubbed. Temporarily humiliating, yes. The end of the world, no. It's a risk you have to take, and it gets easier with practice.

shadypines · 09/07/2020 16:40

Hi OP, I have no better advice than what's been given already but I have a similar DD, she's now 18yrs . Throughout friendships troubles I could only advise, 'be yourself' 'be kind' and 'show some interest in people', as one pleasant comment or question to someone might spark a chat. Feeling stupid or uncool was a big thing with her for a long time but she has improved on this front a lot in the last few years as she's matured.

vilamoura2003 · 09/07/2020 23:49

Thanks for all your replies. It's so hard, because she is the complete opposite of me. My door is open to anyone, I will speak to anyone from any walk of life. It's so very hard when they just don't listen to you or take your advice.

When she was younger she would speak to anyone, it was when she hit the teens that she became more socially awkward and definitely more reticent about speaking to people she doesn't know, I don't know whether it is a lack of confidence 🤷‍♀️

Her judgmental side definitely doesn't come from me - I feel as if I am banging my head up a brick wall and repeating myself over and over to try and expand her horizons to meet new people, enrich her life with something else other than FaceTime and social media 🙄

OP posts:
shadypines · 10/07/2020 13:18

@vilamoura2003..

When she was younger she would speak to anyone, it was when she hit the teens that she became more socially awkward and definitely more reticent about speaking to people she doesn't know

i could have said this word for word about my DD, I remember the frustration I had with her on trips on the bus or to the cinema when she did not want to pay the fare herself or go and order some popcorn! But as you say, you are banging your head on a wall, you are pushing and pushing at a (temporarily) locked door whilst they go through this stage of teens I think! I would recommended trying to limit your advice rather than give any lectures and speak as calmly as possible to her about things.

It sounds like she has a good example from you of how to speak to people but perhaps she is just sitting back at the moment and watching 'the master at work', rest assurred she will be learning how to communicate even if she doesn't seem to be doing it. My DD has never found a big friendship group, just a chosen few, having a martial arts hobby also helped her confidence but I think you can only give gentle shoves, hints, suggestions and good examples, the rest they have to do themselves. My DD, now 18 is much more confident, still by no means someone who stands out in a crowd as it's just not her nature but she can speak when she wants/has to. I am hopeful your DD will eventually do this and find some friends.

All that said, I really do feel your frustration, as I've got the battle scars (grey hairs)..if that helps.

shadypines · 10/07/2020 13:21

Oh and like yours, my DD is also strongly judgement and although she's a kind girl can sound very harsh at times but as she matures this is thankfully lessening.Smile

vilamoura2003 · 10/07/2020 20:20

@shadypines thank you so much for response 🙏🏻

OP posts:
shadypines · 11/07/2020 14:37

vilamoura2003 you are very welcome, hope it helps or comforts to know you are not on your own and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

anby · 12/07/2020 23:19

Hi all, it’s so tough isn’t it! My 14 year is desperate
For new friends, has some friends but they never seem to do anything, my daughter just wants to fit in but struggles in a group. Hoping they all find there feet soon 😃

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