DD14 is a complete b*tch to her sister

[Whoamireally]

It hasn't escaped my notice that the majority of posts in this board are about 14 year olds, and I'm wondering if it's 'the age'.

I am sick of my 14 year old being a utter bitch to her younger sister (12). Constant snide comments that just aren't necessary, about her appearance, what she's wearing, her body shape, calling her stupid - just designed to put her down. She is already shy and insecure and to hear this constantly from someone that lives in the same home is awful. Every night I have to lie with her and rebuild her self-esteem and then I lie awake worrying about how she now thinks so little of herself.

I have tried talking to her about it and explained it is ruining their relationship, that I love them both and that she is making her sister feel very insecure.

She says that her sister does it back too but that I only hear it when she does it.

Any advice on how to handle this?

Any advice on how to handle this?

What have the consequences of being nasty been so far?

Ask her why she is such a bully?

I'm sure if it was the two way street she wants you to think it is, you would have heard the younger one be as unkind and unpleasant at least a few times.

Your eldest needs some very serious consequences for her horrible behaviour. She's a bully and is going to destroy her sister's self-esteem. You can't just sit there and allow this to continue.

@Aquamarine1029 I have not been 'just sitting there' as you put it, I've tried repeatedly to get her to stop over a period of months.

I have tried talking to her, asked her why she's doing it ('because younger sister does') , explained how the behaviour is affecting her sister and spending more 1-2-1 time with her. When that didn't work I have tried limiting electronics time and cutting her allowance back. It hasn't worked. I don't think she realises the impact of her words.

What other consequences should I give her? We already live somewhere rural so outside of school she only sees her friends maybe once every week or two.

I would probably give her the complete cold shoulder and completely ignore her. She will come to you then asking what's wrong - you can then explain the complete hurt that she is causing her sister.
It is very unsettling that she is 14 and commenting on things like body shape etc. That can have a detrimental effect on young girls.

Have you approached it from the side of asking if the older daughter is having any problems at school, is anyone being nasty to her? Making her feel sad etc with hurtful words. Maybe it's her coping mechanism taking it out on her sister.

Either way; I would be having serious words. I think you need to have a bit of tough love here for the sake of your younger daughters mental health

Any consequences you can think of op. Removal of stuff, phone, pocket money, grounding. Punishments like extra chores. I feel for your little girl. My sister was like that to me. My parents refused to punish her. Just told her to ‘pack it in’ if they caught her. I grew up with zero self esteem feeling absolutely worthless. In my teens I developed every type of anxiety imaginable, depression, stress migraines. I had two major breakdowns. It was until I had 5 years of therapy that I started to get over the damage my piece of shit sister and useless parents did. Don’t underestimate the damage that can be caused to a child being constantly terrorised in her own home. Also bear in mind that the little bit of bullying you actually see, is just the tip of the iceberg

Thank you @Itsjustabitofbanter and @coffeewithmilk. She has in fact had some problems being bullied at school, and it didn't occur to me that it might be linked. I will talk to her about that too.

Dd13 had her phone removed for a few week. Absolutely transformed her into a nice dc! Def recommend it.

OP, is it possible your 14 year old is having it done to her by others, not her sister, but is saying its her sister that is doing it?