Daughter sneaking out of the house. Help

[Snools33]

Hi, posting in the hope someone might have some words of wisdom and also to just tell someone as I can't really talk to many people about this and those I can can't really advise!
My eldest daughter is 14 (15 in September) and this year I feel like she's pushing harder and harder against us and her friendship group is just not a good one. She is never satisfied with her curfew (9:30 weekday, 10pm weekends), she constantly wants to sleep over at people homes that I don't know , will not connect with any home
Schooling at all and basically is in this terrible routine of sleep
Most of the day , walk about the streets at night, then on her phone until stupid o clock.
This weekend she has been asking to stay at her newish friends dads house, I reiterated the rule of, if we don't know the people the answer is no, but tried to compromise with allowing a friend to stay here, even provided a can a cider for them to try and prevent them hiding it. So last night DD and her friend, while 'staying over' in my house decided to 'escape' our home via the garden fence and walk around the local estates in torrential rain at 2 am in the morning, I was alerted to something being off by the fact they were so quiet and the location services on life 360 had been deactivated. I was terrified and drove round in the rain until she eventually answered the phone and I located them, drunk and unable to see what my problem was with the going in what they called an 'midnight walk'. I am now joining some dots and think this might not be the first time my daughter has done this, I am worried about what she's doing at this time of night and what is so desperate to see/do that she'll escape via the garden in the rain At 2am. I am lost. So lost, I feel like I don't know her. Her view is that we treat her like a baby, I am a 'psycho' and 'need to see a doctor about my paranoia'. I feel like we are losing control and I don't know what to do next: previously we've had instances of constant bad behaviour in school (I moved her school in year 8, something I bitterly regret) , drinking, an instance (only one I am aware of ) of her smoking weed. The extent she had to be brought home (she rang me distressed). I feel like a wrong move now could make things worse. She's point blank refused to hand over her mobile phone as a punishment , I didn't press the matter last night as it would result in a screaming match and I am desperate to not frighten my younger daughter ( she's 9) as when older daughter kicks off its loud, scary and distressing .

Thanks for reading this far, any advice appreciated, I am lost.

I don't know what the answer is here, teens can be tough. Will she talk to you, could you have a chat about why she is doing this and that its upsetting you because she is not safe roaming at night?
Any chance of her joining in family activities, outings, movie nights etc? I'm not really any help to you!

I'm also inclined to be super tough, no phone, grounding, no lifts to anywhere if she breaks trust, etc

you are not alone there is another thread holding onto the rope lots off similar teenagers
It's not your fault
I admit I am probably away over protective off dd1 17 this month.
She never went out to 15 now hard to keep her in.
She doesn't get drunk has a small glass at parties but I just constantly on her back where she is.
She lies to me and I just can't trust her she hangs around a rough area but says all her friends are good.
She actually had a party this week and they where all good except 1 broke a window in our shed where she was having the party.
13 is away to young for drink and drugs.
I have also a dd2 15 asked if she could have wkd for a party next week I said NO she had a huff but knows herself it's just to look cool.

You're not alone. She's keeping unhealthy company and together they are encouraging each other in worse behaviour.

My DD now 16 and her friends snuck out 14 between midnight at 4am to walk the streets and hang out several times. She was caught and grounded, annoying that some of the other parents didn't even react. She stopped it but still goes out late sometimes and shouts, does things on edge of delinquent behaviours. All you can do is try to keep track, wheee they are going and who with.

If you can, parents contact each other, to jointly plan - share concerns and nip the lies about Staying at each other's houses in the bus - 'Great so I'll ring to check as you have form for not being honest... they are good friends..'

Reduce her mobile contract for her phone to low GB data per month, set a cap of zero on any extra costs.

(If you have younger DC ju at order them a sim with lower data, TP her number over to that new one - which you'll then give her- and get a new sim sent out for hers that will arrive in the post - which you use or give to other DC that has the higher spec and a new number- see you don't need to touch her phone then!. Her number will just cut off on the sim in her phone, say phone was lost or sim got scratched and has intermittent connection, when provider asks why you need new sim)

Arrange with provider or on your router a cut off time at night, or use 'WiFi Blocker' the app that costs £6 (one off payment) and set schedule limit for her (and any other DC devices) at 11pm until 7am.

Then talk to her about how you care and what is unsafe and talk about making good decisions and safe choices.

Don't get into altercations or let her shout at you, just give her love and disappointmentin/concern about the choices she made that night

If she gets picked up drunk by police she will have to face that, what did you talk to other parent about? Where are they getting alcohol from and how? Id share that information with group of parents so you all form a bigger group for the teens to have to start dealing with...

Also in terms of staying over with other unknown people where she gets drunk that might be a conversation about which adult is playing her with drink letting her stay at their house in terms of grooming risks. That you can report to police, if it's out of area might even get county lines response or investigation to ensure it's not. (If it's not they'd still have grooming questions about the older DC or adult that's grooming your DC from age 15 to drink and stay over at theirs)

www.childrenssociety.org.uk/what-is-county-lines

Ah there is some really useful
Stuff here thanks so much for replying even knowing people can relate has made me cry. I feel so alone in all this and judges , it's not the done thing to admit your kids are not perfect is it? And it's somehow always that parents fault' she's still sleeping soundly now, meanwhile I've not slept at all.

I have teen dds, it strikes me that you are being very very lenient. She still has her phone after all for instance!

If she were my dd, I would be taking real action for stop this, she is endangering herself and her friends by being out all hours of the night, drinking and drugs. I can only say what I would do:

1. Put window locks on the windows and make sure the key is somewhere safe. Ditto for all windows in the house if you don't already have them. Front door/back door has an extra lock fitted and you are the only one with the key, this gets locked at night. Alarm set so you know when someone is downstairs.This is for her own good.

2. You take her phone and she does not have it back. You hide it, and you ride out the screaming and protests. Your 9 year old can go elsewhere (or better still watch and listen so she knows what to expect) Her phone is a privilege not a right, boundaries must be set for when she is late, her phone is gone for 3 days for instance, drugs for much longer etc and you must stick to it. Otherwise she will know you never follow through and things will get even worse.

3. Don't give her cider, she needs no encouragement on that front. She is under age by years and years.No more drinking or weed, make it clear. Go through how this can poison a young body like hers, show her the zombies on you tube after smoking weed.

4. No more sleepovers until you can be sure she is being cared for properly all night. That is not up for discussion.

5. Step up the time you are spending with her, take her out shopping, for lunch get talking. Make her your focus for a while.

Tell her you love her, and you will always be here for her, but this has to stop because you are frightened someone will hurt her, be honest, it is not a safe world - she is not bullet proof.

Show her what happened to Libby Squire. Explain why you are worried, because these happen even to girls like her.

I don't need to list the risks and dangers, but really op you need to pull out the stops now.

I am afraid that this is going to be tough for a while, you need to be prepared for that, but be strong - this is for her own safety. She will thank you one day I promise.

PS no more phones in the bedroom all night, imperative for her own safety. Keep it under your pillow or somewhere close to you at night.

PPS Wake her up in the morning earlier, go out for a walk make some breakfast.

It is not too late to turn this around.

I don't have many suggestions I'm afraid op as I only have a toddler at the moment. However I remember being 15, and the part of your op that stood out to me was that during the weed incident she rang for your help. That's is an important indicator that overall she still trusts and knows you will be there for her when she needs you. She still sees you as the adult in charge and is testing your boundaries. Personally I would approach this from a discussion angel rather than clamping down really hard. I know when my dad clamped down on us, all 4 of us retaliated but when my mum discussed, explained and compromised it was more effective. You have my sympathies but you seem to be doing well op

scrumpy Discussion only works if they want to listen, otherwise you may as well talk to the brick wall. It also won't keep her off the streets at 2am drunk and taking drugs, she is 14 years old and still a child.

Op will have to live with whatever the consequences, I would be moving heaven and earth to move my child away from this situation. It is a phase, and a very dangerous one that can have life changing consequences. I have been there too, and wish I hadn't. Seriously I would have liked to have been rescued.

@Scrumpyjacks

I don't have many suggestions I'm afraid op as I only have a toddler at the moment. However I remember being 15, and the part of your op that stood out to me was that during the weed incident she rang for your help. That's is an important indicator that overall she still trusts and knows you will be there for her when she needs you. She still sees you as the adult in charge and is testing your boundaries. Personally I would approach this from a discussion angel rather than clamping down really hard. I know when my dad clamped down on us, all 4 of us retaliated but when my mum discussed, explained and compromised it was more effective. You have my sympathies but you seem to be doing well op

This is actually good advice so I disagree with PP

One of my closest friends is a deputy head teacher. Her DD went off the rails at 15- catching tube to unknown friends houses in London staying over and drinking. She's still a bit wild and her DDad takes her to live gigs so they made something shared. They let her drink (she's survived and is now 18 and at uni) in moderation with them on parties . She'd have gone anyway and my friend knew that they were in a losing battle with an oppositional rebellious teen. They talked about making good decisions and reducing personal risk. And gave her some trust even though it was scary.

Teens can tell you to 'Fk off' and sneak out the house or get aggressive and you'll be the one in trouble if you try to physically bar them. You don't want it to get to that stage so that's why I suggested what I did- and I used moderate limits and negotiation.

If You cut their phones off or remove them, you remove their safety when they are going anyway.

This has been our 15 yr old DD's latest challenge to her boundaries too. Quite a few of her friends regularly sneak out at night. DD is a very challenging teen, but she is honest, so asks permission to go out and meet her friends at 1am etc. The fact we have an alarm, and DH and I are both light sleepers, so there's no way she could sneak out is probably a factor in her asking too! She is genuinely shocked, and very angry, when I always say no! I am pretty lenient, but that gives me the fear!

Last time she asked, and was refused permission, she really kicked off about it so I removed the keys from the doors windows and hid them and told her we would have a proper discussion about it the next day when we were calm.

DH and I have told her it's because we love her and it's our responsibility to keep her safe etc. Also that we would worry and be unable to sleep until she was home again. And if something happened at home and there was an emergency it would be really worrying if she wasn't there etc etc. We want to be able to trust her to make good decisions, and we will give her a certain amount of freedom, but if she pushes things too far we have to rein her in for her own good.

Her response to the safety aspect was, "Oh, get a grip! I'll be fine." However, since then there have been a couple of incidents which have changed her mind. One was when a strange man with a big dog approached her and her friend when they were out for a walk, locally but in a quiet area. It really creeped her out, even though it was only around 8.30-9pm. Another was that a local man was attacked one night by someone with a machete. Since then she has come to me and said I do have a point after all, so we have a reprieve (for now anyway!) 😅

Good luck OP - stay strong! 💐🏠

You have to stay strong but fair and say what you mean, and mean what you say. It will be a phase and she will improve. I had a nightmare with my teen from sgev13-15. Longest 2 yrs of my life! Total attitude problem. Drinking, sneaking out, older boys, poor friendship choices etc etc. I tried everything like taking phone away blar blar blar, it just made things worse. Grounded her, she went out anyway. Although I did call the police and they brought her home, she was so embarrassed! But then she got "Street cred" for it. I was literally tearing my hair out and I actually hated her. She's 23 now. Still got a bit of attitude but literally overnight it changed. She moved to a college rather than school, she was treated more like an adult and no uniform etc and the move allowed her to have different friends etc. I opened her a bank account and started giving her responsibility. She thrived on it. Hoping things get better. Don't shout or lash out, don't say things you don't mean, and just always let her know you are there for her. That's as much as any mum can do. If she won't talk to you give her details of online services or counselling that she can access without you. Youth workers etc are pretty good and will have a different relationship with her- she will be able to talk about alcohol, sex and drugs etc without feeling embarrassed or lectured. Also it means someone else is feeling her the right info and often they will listen to them more than you. If they have any real concerns about her they will report it to ensure safety etc. Good luck. All young ppl need a neutral party they can confide in.