14 year and devices at night!

[Harperhan]

Good Morning

I am a lost parent who doesn't know if I am doing wrong or right.

My DS14 who is the eldest of 3 has become obsessed with his phone and Instagram. It used to be SnapChat but we felt he wasn't responsible enough for that due to various issues, so removed it from his phone. To try and establish some down time before bed we made the rule that all the boys put their phones on charge in the kitchen by 9pm. Last night though I caught my eldest under the covers with his computer at 11.45pm on Instagram. This is not the first time I have caught him last time it was his iPad. I have now told him the laptop and ipad will need to come downstairs too. He kicked off saying it makes him uncool and no trusts him as he has to hand his phone in etc. He says he is losing friends because of it.

My main question here is am I being unreasonable asking my boys to hand in their phones at 9pm? They are allowed them until 11 on weekends.

I have the same rule, no phones upstairs at night. Put screentime limits on the devices (google will tell you how), so that even if they are upstairs they cannot be used.

Definitely not being unreasonable. I think it's natural for kids and teens to push and push for what they want, and screens in particular are so addictive, but remember you're the parent, it's your household and you set the rules. They will use anything to persuade (none of my friends have this rule, I'm the only one etc) but ultimately feel confident that you're helping set good digital habits while you can - and until he's old enough to be sensible around tech, self-regulate and not let it interfere with sleep etc. I know many people have become used to giving free rein to their kids with the idea that they'll learn to self-regulate on their own. Maybe that works for some kids, but for many it will lead to more addictive and disruptive behaviours. There'll be a time when it's clear they're old enough to handle self-regulating, and that will be when you can relax the rules and let them decide. Too much is given over to our kids too quickly these days!

Thanks for the replies guys. I hate it when he tells me I ruin his life and he has no friends because of it etc. He is so sneaky about the way he gets round it all and it drives me mad. He was/is not a popular kid at school and I think he feels that because he is talking to various people online that they are good friends. I am trying to tell him that the person who unfriends him because he doesn't have his phone past 9 is not a true friend.

it is a common argument for them to use in order for the to get their own way. setting up screentime limits (will include the link on how to do it below) really does help because he can't ask for an extra 5 minutes which turns into half an hour.
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Stay strong OP, sounds like you're doing and saying things that will really help him in the future. Even if he can't see it now!

Don't fall for the "I won't have any friends" lie, OP. It's clear he'll say anything to get what he wants! You can bet that at least some of his mates' parents impose similar restrictions, but either they don't admit that to your ds, or he knows but doesn't admit it to you! My 14yo dd is constantly attached to her phone, but all devices are put on charge in the dining room at night.

I feel your pain. I now take my sons phone away during the week, because he doesn't use it to contact anyone, just to play on because he has limits on his pc screen time. He will stay up till 3am if he can.

He is pretty sneaky and I have to hide all electronics now because he will scour the house looking for something to use. I also have to lock my work screen when I leave the room as I control his pc time through it!

I feel your pain OP. Our rule is 10pm phone plugged in downstairs and apparently we are the ONLY parents who insist on this and we're SO unreasonable. Ds14 was in deep trouble the other night because he waited until we were in bed then snuck downstairs and got his phone. Dh caught him out at 1am when he got up to go to the loo and saw ds was still up. Phone is now going up to our room at night.
Sticking to my guns though - screen downtime and decent sleep is important IMO.

Ds1 is now 17 but when he started secondary he had friends who all had and played 18+ games, phones in their rooms overnight etc and yet Ds1 didn't. Still kept those friends and I kept him safe.

A friendship based on how cool you are perceived to be is not a real friendship is it? What's next, you are not cool unless you drink this vodka, or smoke this weed, or parkour in this derelict building.

But we also watch Catfish on MTV when you see who you think you are talking to and who you are really talking to

Ds was also part of the Snapchat "streaks" crap where you just have to type an S or take a photo of an S, Ds started to realise there was no actual conversation just "friends" all "communicating" when they really weren't.

We just phrased it as we loved him and so won't let him juggle knives, or roam the streets at 2am because we don't want to have to wipe his arse if he gets severely injured, we would like him to grow up without a criminal record and be able to leave home.

YANBU. Have had similar situation. But I banned them from devices for days/weeks depending on what had happened. Kids need rules and boundaries. You want the good stuff, you have to earn and or deserve it. A few days missing out might be the incentive needed to be a bit more responsible. Maybe you can compromise on his time as he’s a bit older. Maybe 1030 as it’s summer hols and like it or not, most kids are online late night and through to the morning. Don’t want to alienate him from his friends, but don’t want to be unreasonable either! It’s a tough one, I don’t envy you!

I got my eldest a phone when she started secondary and used to keep it in my room overnight. I was horrified how much it would ping all night long with messages from other year 7 kids with no screen time restrictions. It was a very short space of time before she lost her phone, and I replaced with a brick phone. I didn't get her any other internet device until her 13th birthday, and she has a laptop with Qustudio installed on it. It shuts off by 10 on school nights, and it's currently set for unlimited on weekends. I did a lot of research on parental controls and none are quite perfect but Qustudio comes close. There is a free version, and a premium version where you can monitor theur YouTube searches. You can use the account access several devices, so Laptop, phone, tablet, and use it to keep tabs on where they are too. I really recommend using one.

My thinking is, if they are going to lose friends because other kids are worried you are going to see their messages then those friends are not really friendships you want to encourage. If not having a smartphone restricts my kids chance of being in with the Uber popular kids, I'm fine with that. They are rarely a nice crowd and it's a constant game of keeping up appearances.

Sorry it's Qustodio not Qustudio.

I feel your frustration. My son is 16 and still sneaks a device if he can. He plays games, talks to friends, snapchat, instagram, watches tictok stuff, anything he can. He's like a little kid that doesn't want to go to sleep because he might miss out on something. Ive tried talking about about how this will effect his future if he keeps doing it. Ive tried threatening to throw them all out. Ive tried listening as to why he says he "needs" them at 2am on a school night. Ive been good mother, bad mother, understanding mother, he has even caught me crying about it and he just doesn't stop. I took him to a councellor and guess what? The counsellor was a gamer and so they had lots to talk about. GRRRR!!!

My 14 year old has to plug her phone in downstairs at 9pm. Mostly because she was cyber bullied just before the end of the school year and it mainly happens in the evenings. She has her ipad in her room so she can watch Netflix until a little later. I always check on her when I go to bed around 11 and she is always asleep by then. If she wasn't then the ipad would be downstairs too.

@user327253

I got my eldest a phone when she started secondary and used to keep it in my room overnight. I was horrified how much it would ping all night long with messages from other year 7 kids with no screen time restrictions. It was a very short space of time before she lost her phone, and I replaced with a brick phone. I didn't get her any other internet device until her 13th birthday, and she has a laptop with Qustudio installed on it. It shuts off by 10 on school nights, and it's currently set for unlimited on weekends. I did a lot of research on parental controls and none are quite perfect but Qustudio comes close. There is a free version, and a premium version where you can monitor theur YouTube searches. You can use the account access several devices, so Laptop, phone, tablet, and use it to keep tabs on where they are too. I really recommend using one.

My thinking is, if they are going to lose friends because other kids are worried you are going to see their messages then those friends are not really friendships you want to encourage. If not having a smartphone restricts my kids chance of being in with the Uber popular kids, I'm fine with that. They are rarely a nice crowd and it's a constant game of keeping up appearances.

Spot on @user327253. The popular crowd is worth avoiding. We learnt that the hard way, unfortunately. Going to look at this app, thanks for the recommendation!

DS1 (16) has always been allowed his phone upstairs, on the proviso that if I discover he's on it when he should be asleep then I'll take it away. He loves his sleep though so this has never been an issue

DS2 (11) always leaves his phone downstairs. He's not so bothered about it, but I know if he took it up he'd be tempted to be on it.

My DD was allowed her phone in her room midway through year 8 as her alarm clock broke and she needed it to get up for school. I gave her one chance and said if I caught her on it after 10pm bedtime I would take it away, and that privilege would be lost as yet she knows it needs to be on her bedside table on silent and not used again till the morning. I trust her and she knows I trust her so most of the time she sticks to my rules. However at weekends and holidays I don;t have any rules about phones in the bedroom as long as she gets enough sleep and doesn't wake up moody. This works well for her rules when necessary but also scope for her to self regulate.