16 yo DD and boyfriend

foreveramum7856 · 02/07/2020 14:43

@CBAMumma

Do you police how much time your teen can spend with their bf/gf?Would you allow your 16 y/o to spend all day shut in their bedroom with boyfriend? Multiple times per week?

I think you need to leave her alone OP as long as she is still communicating with friends and family then it's her business what she does with her boyfriend

EveleftEden · 02/07/2020 14:53

I’m probably going to get roasted for this but here goes..

I wouldn’t let them have the door shut to be honest. I used to have sex with my boyfriend in my bedroom whilst my parents were down stairs. Was allowed my door shut for ‘privacy’. Went on to have dd1 when I was 16.

16 is the legal age you can start having sex but that doesn’t mean all 16 year olds are emotionally mature and responsible to do it.

Also - my ex used to terrorise me in my bedroom when he was in a mood. I literally didn’t have a safe space. He was allowed in my room with the door shut and I wasn’t mature enough or worldly enough to see what was happening.

With dd1 I was preparing for an absolute ban with boys going in to her bedroom but she actually never asked as she was very busy with school and sports clubs so didn’t really start having boyfriends till she was around 18. She still never brought one over though.

With my other two - I’ve relaxed a bit and if they want some one over they can come but the door will be always open a crack.

Hoppinggreen · 02/07/2020 14:54

Door open here as well
If it gets too quiet I send DS up

wishywashywoowoo70 · 02/07/2020 17:16

My SS 15 has his GF over and they shut themselves away the whole time.
He does the same at her house so I don't get involved
However I wouldn't have done this in my parents home. Boys were not allowed in my room EVER. I will be a little more relaxed with my DD when the time comes but no shut doors and plenty of people popping upstairs
Whilst you want to trust them. Sometimes all those hours alone can get boring and one thing leads to another. Better safe than sorry

Andi2020 · 02/07/2020 20:57

I allow it if they really want to be intimate they will do it somewhere else at a friends or in a park.
My dd said she just likes xx cuddling watching films because I have asked if she wants to start contraception she says she is not ready for that kind off relationship yet but when the time is right she will.

gracepoolesrum · 02/07/2020 21:09

What kind of relationship do you have with her? Have you talked about contraception, do you know if she is or plans to be sexually active? Do you know her boyfriend well?

The ideal scenario I'd be aiming for here is one where I could leave them to it because I knew she was in a healthy relationship, was using contraception (or clear she isn't going to have sex yet) etc.

But if your daughter can't or won't have those conversations with you or you don't fully trust her, be stricter and have them keep the door open for now.

Original poster

CBAMumma · 03/07/2020 01:23

Interesting mix of responses and lots of good points to consider. We have quite a good relationship - I don't think they are sexually active, but probably not far off it. I do keep checking in re contraception need and I know they will do it anyway somewhere, so I'd rather them be safe here, but really interesting what you say @EveleftEden - if you don't mind me asking, do you think you were more sexually active because it was 'permitted'?

I think my concern is they aren't doing anything else. With it being holidays, they see each other 5 days a week for 12 hours + and barely leave the confines of the closed room at either his house our ours. They come down for dinner and I can barely find anything to talk to them about because they haven't done anything.

OP posts:

BarbedBloom · 03/07/2020 05:00

I would. I wouldn't want my daughter having sex in a park or around the back of shops like i did. I think most parents know banning it at home doesn't mean they won't be doing it. They probably already are, my mum didn't think I was sexually active at this age either, but I had been for a while. I was never really comfortable talking to her about it.

I would also rather them be comfortable with sex and themselves before going to Uni after the stuff I saw during freshers week.

EveleftEden · 03/07/2020 09:19

@CBAMumma

Interesting mix of responses and lots of good points to consider. We have quite a good relationship - I don't think they are sexually active, but probably not far off it. I do keep checking in re contraception need and I know they will do it anyway somewhere, so I'd rather them be safe here, but really interesting what you say *@EveleftEden* - if you don't mind me asking, do you think you were more sexually active because it was 'permitted'?

I think my concern is they aren't doing anything else. With it being holidays, they see each other 5 days a week for 12 hours + and barely leave the confines of the closed room at either his house our ours. They come down for dinner and I can barely find anything to talk to them about because they haven't done anything.

CBA We definitely did ‘it’ more because we had a place to do ‘it’ in. Also my step mum used to always talk to me about contraception and I assured her we wasn’t at that point but we was and had been for a while. She actually over head one of my friends at a bus stop gossiping about me and my boyfriend and frog marched me to the GP

but because I didn’t really fully grasp how serious it was I never took the pill properly.

I was the same with my boyfriend at that age. I was infatuated with him.

If I was in your shoes now I’d try and limit to some degree the time in your house, if only so she has time to her self, some time to breath, connect with girlfriends, do some exercises, be able to talk to you about things, discuss her plans ect..

EmilyJo · 03/07/2020 09:23

My 16 dd and her boyfriend also spend long periods of time together too. I appreciate there isn’t a lot to do in lockdown and there isn’t the option of going to the cinema or out for food at the minute. My dd also sees her friends and has had some socially distanced walks and picnics outside of the house. This gives her something else to talk about and she is not spending all her time at home with her bf. I have always encouraged her to keep up her friendships and spoken to her about not being with her bf all the time. This means on a few occasions I have said no when she has asked if she can see him, especially if she has seen him for a few consecutive days before.

Does your dd have any friends other than her bf she wants to see? I think my dd is quite lucky to have a wide friendship group, although there have been some arguments amongst them recently when some of the girls have been unintentionally ‘left out’. I can see why my dd likes spending so much time with her bf as there isn’t the drama that goes with maintaining female friendships!!

DDIJ · 03/07/2020 09:31

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squanderedcore · 03/07/2020 09:59

No! I wouldn't allow my dd to spend long periods of time shut in her bedroom with her bf.

She is older now but she was 15, nearly 16, when she had her first bf and he spent time with us as a family, chopping wood, going on bike rides, clearing a pond etc and they occasionally went off together on errands etc, but he ate with us as a family and then we drove him home. He never even went upstairs! I didn't forbid it, it just never came up. We live abroad, and I suspect that just isn't done here. But I wouldn't have allowed it if it had. They did spend the occasional rainy afternoon together in the sitting room, but anyone could have walked in at any time.

I don't care if anyone thinks this horribly old-fashioned or oppressive. That's what we are comfortable with as a family.

Just because a teen at 16 can join the army, get married in Gretna Green, have sex, doesn't mean that its ideal to do any of those things at that age, or that they have the emotional maturity to do so. I certainly wouldn't be encouraging it and saying "here's a private double bed, get on with it" why would I?

Imo, if possible, a sixteen year old should be focusing on exams, friends, earning a bit of pocket money, hobbies, challenging themselves in physical activities (sport I mean ) , learning independence, and last but not least, volunteering.

Dd will be able to make her own decisions at uni, when she has more confidence in herself and her choices. The difference between a 15/16 yr old and an 18/19 yr old is huge.

jimmydenglishrugger · 08/07/2020 22:34

Let's be real guys - if they wanna have sex they'll find a way. Just make sure they know how to stay safe and help them stay safe like it's really not like we'll stop them - as @Andi2020 said if it's not in a room it's a park

SuburbanMummyOfFive · 08/07/2020 22:37

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