Dd out til 3:30am

[Chelsea567]

Can people please tell me to get a grip and also how to cope with DD17 going out at midnight with "some mates"and coming home at 3:30. Meanwhile I don't sleep. At all. I know she's nearly an adult. I know she's sensible and not getting wasted or taking drugs or robbing cars or anything but my imagination goes into overdrive thinking she might be dead in a ditch. Please any tips on getting some perspective and some sleep?

Can't you put your foot down about her going out at midnight, where does she go?

I do understand that you worry OP, mine are older and of course I still do. But if you trust her, then she will trust you. If you put your foot down as a PP suggests you push her away and force her to become devious.

It's not the coming in after 3am that would concern me, I'd be more bothered that she is going out at midnight.
Why? Where is she going? It seems a bit odd.

Remember this well when my girls were in their teens. Unfortunately no mobile phones to check they were not in hospital etc. I always asked them where they were going so at least there was a starting point should the worst happen and they didn’t come home. Really relieved when they got older and legally they became responsible for themselves. Never mind, they now worry about me! What goes around comes around.

@ElizabethMainwaring

It's not the coming in after 3am that would concern me, I'd be more bothered that she is going out at midnight. Why? Where is she going? It seems a bit odd.

It really isn’t odd. Most young people go out at this time these days. Usually to clubs, but if the OPs daughter is coming in only 3 hours later it sounds more like meeting friends. Often they work, so midnight is a normal time to socialise.

My DS started doing this when he was 18. His attitude was awful as well. Eventually we had the most enormous, awful family row during which he was told that he had to be home by 0100 unless he was going to a specific event. He didn't verbally agree to this...but has complied.
As a result I'm sleeping better and he, like a small child, has responded to a boundary..
He might be an adult, but it is a family house and we were all adversely affected.

During lockdown? Where is she going?

My DS1 has a job that means he keeps these hours. To begin with I didn't sleep at all until I knew he was home but you do get used to it.

You either trust them to be sensible, or you don't. The time of day or night is irrelevant.

Where on earth is she going?

Oh gawd I remember the midnight - 3am comings and goings. Used to drive me bonkers but I bit my tongue. This was my youngest DS - he was just meeting friends, he was a good kid and so were his friends - I ignored it. Trusted him to behave and be safe which he was.

He's 19 and working now and not here a lot of the time - and certainly too tired to be out until 3am. It was just a stage that passed in the end.

One of mine did this for a while after passing her driving test .... it was a novelty. Drive to the coast with mates, McD drive thru or similar ... watch the sunrise somewhere. I don’t think it’s that unusual and if you trust her and don’t think there’s anything dodgy going on I’d let her get on with it. As long as she’s very quiet coming home and doesn’t wake everyone ....

And once she’s 18 and going to pubs/clubs then that time keeping is normal. They seem to have ‘pre drinks’ at someone’s house until about 10/11 then go out .... as I’m going to bed

She's just meeting up with friends (who I don't know) and sitting in the park/ on the beach. She comes and wakes me up and tells me she's going and then I lie awake til she's back. I'm exhausted but still can't sleep while she's out.

OP I'd advise you to go look at the 'how do you live in harmony with adult children' thread in the parents of adult children section. I know your DD isn't yet an adult but at 17 she's on the cusp and your issue seems to be the same as the one discussed at length in that thread. One poster had great insight into separating into reasonable and unreasonable worries and what you can ask them to do out of respect vs when asking them to pander to your every worry becomes controlling.

I ask mine to turn the landing light off when they get in. That helps me then to fall asleep knowing that if I wake during the night I'll be able to see whether they're back.

None of mine have really gone out that late on a regular basis though. Staying out late occasionally, yes, but heading out at midnight during lockdown when there's nowhere to go does seem odd