Is this beyond “normal” teen behaviour?

[Macs19]

This is my first post, so be gentle. My 13 yr old dd has made our family life very difficult for well over a year. She shouts all the time, is aggressive and violent, swears at us (even her 8 year old brother). Her room is a complete pit - you can’t see the actual floor - but that’s the least of out problems. She’s been shielding because of a lung disorder (that can be managed, but not cured). She stayed in the house for about 10 weeks, but for the last 3 she has been going out, not socially distancing, going into shops, handling money, getting public transport. I’ve now seen 2 video clips where she’s vaping. We’ve tried everything- calmly talking, shouting, turning off WiFi, confiscating phone, using parental controls on phone. I really do not know what to do and it feels like it has ruined our relationship. Her younger sister is very anxious because of all the tension and arguments. She’s reaching out to meet up with people she doesn’t know that well. I’m really worried about the young person she’s becoming. If anyone has been through this and can offer me advice, I would be grateful.

This was my 14yr DD's behaviour 2yrs ago. That is how she started. Now she is completely lost
Try to nip it if you can. I remember seeing a social media message my daughter asking where to get vape. Now she is smoking weed. Through out the lockdown she has been out, and about, She runs away many times, called police many times to report her missing, twice she has been found out of london and brought back. The police and social services don't care. They think I am mad. They send me on parenting classes. Saw horrible things her and her friends doing . I want her out now can't take it anymore. Try to help her now before it's too late.

So sorry you’re going through this Parie. I’ve been trying to deal calmly with things, although that can be really difficult when they are verbally abusive and aggressively intimidating. I think she’s lost all structure due to lockdown. School, sport and church youth club (she considers herself to be religious, despite her vile language and behaviour) usually would have kept her busy throughout the week. I feel like a failure, I’m too ashamed and embarrassed to share this with my friends. I’m almost grieving for the child I feel I’ve lost and the person I thought she migh5 become.

To both of you I’d say don’t give up on them, they’re both very young. I was the worst teen, my single mum had my db to look after after so left me to it a bit but I was drinking in pubs at 14/15, drinking at home, had ‘boyfriends’, stayed out, smoked weed etc, nearly got chucked out of school... really really awful behaviour from a supposedly ‘naice’ girl. Completely messed up A levels and moved out with bf.
After a year of work reality kicked in and I got myself off to uni, and turned back into a human being. If you’ve instilled the right values into your girls in the primary years, and they know deep down you love them, then as they mature you will hopefully find they come back to you. It doesn’t always happen but I think it does in the majors of cases.
Don’t give up, but keep yourselves sane and busy whilst you’re waiting for them, and try to love them throughout this horrible phase.

@macs19 my daughter went to church in primary and was good at school. All that changed end year 7/8. Mixed with wrong crowd mostly older girls or boys. Feeling like complete failure is an understatement.
The pain and hurt. I know she is suffering too but she is way too obsessed with this gangster lifestyle. @Ifeelfat I tried so many times to help her. Its difficult to be loving when you get constant aggression and abuse. My daughter is only nice when she wants me to buy her something or give her money. Every opportunity she gets she is sneaking in my hand bag to steal from me. I am constantly changing bank cards. She is not afraid to use it online ect. Now I take my hand bag where ever I go. I want our relationship to be better. it the weed not good for her and she is with a bad group of friends who all do the same thing. I hope and pray before it's too late for her.

They send me on parenting classes

Oh I so remember that phase, feeling like I was to blame and no one would listen. It’s really, really tough.

Fortunately we are now 4 years down the line and things are much more stable.

I hated being sent on parenting courses, it felt like such a blame game and a waste of time. I attended every single one of them, they sent me on 6 different courses of 6 sessions to 12 and I attended everyone single fucking one of them and after the first 2 I started to engage and get something from them. It was the only place I could be 100% honest with how shit the week had bee n and I learnt a lot of techniques that helped us all move forward.

It’s not easy, it’s fucking hard but it can be done sometimes and we all want to end up in the sometimes place don’t we?

I'm so sorry. We had a similar situation when my son was 13. He's still v difficult but the risk taking has gone. I clamped down massively to insist it was totally unacceptable - all money removed, bank card blocked, phone tracking on at all times, regular searches of room, spying. After a v rocky few months he moved on and became more sensible. Fingers crossed. So I think it's worth clamping down if you can. Does the vaping cause risks for her lung condition - maybe get GP to have a word if so?

Thanks @azaleanth90. That gives me some hope. The vaping will definitely worsen the lung condition. Her consultant mentioned risks of smoking and vaping at her last appointment, probably as she was entering the teen years. She swore she’d never touch them. She stayed at home really well for the first 10 weeks of lockdown and in the space of the last 3 weeks has exploded. She’s still meant to be shielding. A calm approach seems to work for a while and she sometimes will come back later and apologise, but it’s not long until the next episode. Since Sunday, I’ve found the vape (we stayed calm), been called a fat cnt, fat twt, slag, my husband has been slapped across his arm and she’s broken the door into the kitchen in rage. Most of that was because her phone is playing up and glitchy. I don’t want to give up on her, but it’s soooooo hard to put up with. She has to be supervised closely to do her schoolwork, and seems to be impossible to trust with even small tasks. Lack of structure seems to be making it worse, but she’s not interested in practising her football, reading or anything ... just her phone. I’ve never felt so low and my 2 younger children are witnessing it all.

This sounds really tough. I can't tell you if it would work, but if it were my 13 year old dd I would start by removing the phone, and access to any money.

Yes, limit phone and use rewards like a dog.

A year ago we discovered she’d been stealing money from her younger siblings’ money boxes. It amounted to £180, which she had spent on sweets over the course of a couple of months. She paid that back, but we cannot leave any money lying around. She’s recently lifted £25 from her dad and £20-25 from her younger sister’s room. She admitted to taking £5 but denied the rest. We’ve no proof, but don’t believe her. We worried that she stole because she didn’t have enough pocket money. She now gets £10 per week. She has to learn she can’t lift things just because she wants them - I don’t want her to steal from friends or shops. She shouts and swears at us at the top of her voice pretty much everyday. Dear knows what the neighbours think. It’s got to the point where we feel we’ll not be able to ask friends round. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed of her, as well as worried about what she’ll become.

Please don't take this the wrong way but this whole post is about you. How it is affecting you, your other children, what will people think of you, how ashamed you are. Several times about the younger ones.

Have you asked her why she is doing it? Was there a trigger? My DM speaks very much like this, obsessed with what the neighbours would think, poor little brother having to put up with it.

If this is unusual behaviour then there is a problem with her. I suspect she doesn't feel valued, plus of course she is going through puberty. Have you seen the GP? Asked for help from school? How is she at school?

What happened 3 weeks ago to change her behaviour? You are asking the wrong questions. Start with school and the GP. Hope you get it sorted.