DD13 doesnt want to go to dad’s

[Meeeh]

DD13 and dad had a falling out and she doesn’t want to go to his house as planned next weekend. She says she doesn’t have to as she’s over 12 and can decide.
I don’t speak to the dad so it’s up to her to discuss with him but he’s going to be upset and talk her head off.
I can see why she’s avoiding talking to him but also feel like it’s going to make things worse and out of proportion for what the original argument was about (sorry, can’t disclose here)

Ideas?

Support her or telling she's being daft depending on the severity and reasonableness of the argument. 'There was only mashed potato and not roast' - the latter. 'I had to spend the weekend in my room cos his girlfriend was there' - the former.

She needs some help. Whilst you don't normally talk to the DF and leave it to DD, and this normally works, there will be times (like now) when it doesn't and it's not fair on DD to have to handle it all.

You need to message DF. Tell him that you agree it's been blown out of proportion (from what you know anyway) but that DD is really upset and digging her heels in and that you think the best thing is for him to take a step back and give her a break this weekend, otherwise this is going to turn into a much bigger problem. Remind him that he is her DF for life and one weekend is not going to affect that. Say that if he pushes it you think she is going to refuse to see him and is already talking in terms of refusing to go in the longer term. How is he going to force a 12/13 yo to go, physically?
He might not listen, but you will have tried and said all the right things.
Bottom line is I don't think you should make this DD's responsibility.
I have been separated for 10 years. My DCs are now 20, 16, 14 and 14 (DTs). We have had the occasional refusal. Luckily my XH has always been quite sensible and has always listened to me and taken my lead when problems arise (even if he doesn't agree). There are occasions when I override the DCs and tell them to go. It's a call I make based on all sorts of considerations. I realise that your relationship with your ex is probably a world away from this. But nevertheless I think you need to step in to try to help her.

I'm also a divorce lawyer which perhaps gives me additional skills and insights into issues like this.

I think she is old enough to make her own mind up in that respect and he will just have to live with it. Besides , he can’t force her to go.

The argument was about me allowing her too much freedom - in his opinion. We are also in the middle of court as he wants more access, having realised she’s growing up and he isn’t her hero anymore. So this is a tricky one for me to get involved in as much as I don’t want the burden of this to be on her shoulders.

Well that puts a different perspective on it.
I think I'd still send some sort of message indicating that his bullish approach is counterproductive. You want to look as if you are trying to help, not sitting back and watching this implode. I don't think the court will like her having all the responsibility, even if her wishes will be the biggest feature of the case.

@TooTrusting I agree - trying to work out how to do this without feeling like she’s being forced into a bad situation.

I do sympathise, having DCs just a year older. My XH is quite bullish and much stricter than me and they do always complain about going but I don't give them a choice. Unless it's clear that it's beyond the usual grumbling. Then I tell XH what's going on and he invariably goes along with me, even if he doesn't agree. So I'm quite lucky there.
The DCs are also now of an age where they don't want to leave their main home. XH has found this hard to accept with the older ones and has given them a hard time about it but I leave that to them. But your situation is different. There's been a row and she's refusing to go. And you are in the middle of a court case. So I think you have to be seen to encourage both XH not to push it, to encourage DD to resolve things with him, and not to be leaving DD to cope with this in her own. All while supporting DD and not alienating her.
12/13 is an odd age for him to expect the court to intervene. It's incredibly shortsighted of him. Parenting is about knowing when to let go a bit. But if he doesn't have that insight you can't teach him.

It’s so hard. He’s had no interest in The kids during the divorce - now that they are becoming adults he wants them more time and anything that goes wrong is all down to me :(

Why is XH arguing with DD over something that he should be discussing with you? He hasn’t handled this well. And considering the argument was concerning you I actually think you should speak to your exe. Sounds to me like they didn’t manage to resolve it if your DD is still unhappy. Forcing her to go won’t help matters. Neither will her not going as it’s likely to fester and possibly compound the issue. I know it’s tough for you but I think you need to step in, in the interest of trying to resolve the matter. Then hopefully once it’s sorted DD will want to go.