15 year old - possible Autism/ADHD

[mumtwo3]

My 15 year old was in the middle of the diagnosis for autism and ADHD and then everything halted with Covid-19. CAMHS think she has traits of both, along with this she suffers from low moods and self harms. She’s not on any medication.

She’s not the easiest person to be around as she comes across quite rude and abrupt in the way that she speaks, especially to me and SD. Her bedroom is an absolute mess and it can go from tidy to looking like it’s been hit with a bomb within hours. She isolates herself away from me and SD and likes to spend all her time in her bedroom, she has also started sleeping late and waking late (4pm).

Yesterday she had a telephone meeting with CAMHS and they suggested she spends more time with us as a family and that she changes sleeping habits. They also told me she had self harmed twice since the lockdown. I tried to speak to her about the self harm but she didn’t want to take about it. I tried to persuade her to go for a walk with me in the evening and she flat out refused (as usual), I suggested loads of things and in the end we spent time together doing gel nails. Today she woke earlier, spent a bit of time watching TV downstairs in the day time, refused the walk but agreed to help me in the garden (whilst complaining 85% of the time). This evening she wouldn’t let me speak to her, and wanted to be left alone, ‘we have already spent time together today’.

It’s such a chore to get her to do anything with me, I’ve suggested loads of things in the past eg a Netflix series, movie nights etc but she’s not interested. I’ve even suggested doing things with just the two of us and again there is no interest.

She also doesn’t like hugs/kisses from me and I find this hard to cope with as she doesn’t want me close to her. The upsetting thing is that she hugs her friends and family just not me.

Her relationship with SD is pretty much non existent and she is happy with that, she also doesn’t have much to do with BD and again she’s happy with this and doesn’t want anything to do with either of them.

I’ve tried being hard on her and it gets me no where, she has changed completely since the age of 13 when CAMHS feel she started showing more significant signs of autism/ADHD as they say is typical of teen girls.

How do I get my little girl back?

you can't get your little girl back. you can develop a positive relationship with the young woman your daughter is becoming.

as someone who didn't get an autism diagnosis till my 40s, I feel your dd is already very lucky that you and CAMHS are recognising the additional difficulties she faces. however adolescence is a nightmare to live through even for neurotypical people and it's a lot worse when also combined with those additional challenges.

firstly, maybe reset your expectations a bit. the time you spent doing gel nails together was a win. well done. maybe that was all the interaction she could cope with that day. she does need time when she doesn't have to interact - that would have been draining even if she enjoyed it.

see if you can find ways to spend time together that have some built-in "structure" - this is helpful as she then has to put less effort into knowing what to do as there are set 'rules' - eg complex board games (I don't mean monopoly, look at the boardgamegeek website for ideas), orienteering, geocaching. just "going for a walk" or "having a chat" is a much less appealing prospect as she'll not be able to predict what's going to be expected.

being asked to talk about the feelings that led to self-harm is an immensely challenging thing to tackle and can't be something that just "happens". she will find it virtually impossible to find the words to describe those feelings anyway. what she may find helpful is finding some form of creative expression/art etc that she might enjoy experimenting with. for me it was pottery. being creative can help connect with the emotions and sometimes one makes something that meaningfully expresses some of the emotions one is feeling without the confusing medium of words, or sometimes taking ones mind off words and expressing oneself non-verbally can actually help create a space for the words to form to actually tell you something meaningful - but not if you push or demand it.

now that non-essential shops are allowed to open, see if there's a hobbycraft shop or similar kind of place near you. take her there and give her a budget to spend on some equipment and materials to discover a new type of craft of her choice.

I have a 15 year old DD with autism and a 10 year old DS. Also two children in between that are NT.

Your daughter, regardless of autism, sounds depressed. Obviously depression can be and is very common in autistic individuals. I know how hard it can be, but you need to get proactive. She doesn’t sleep in and stay up late, she has a shower, she has something to eat...she has a solid routine basically. Also out for a walk once a day with you. Do your very best to get her doing this, however which way you go about it.

I would keep letting her know that you are available to talk to, but also provide her with a journal or encourage her to draw out her emotions, whichever she prefers.

My own daughter, I began to notice a pattern that her mood really began to dip in the two week run up to her period. It would then stabilise almost as soon as she started it. We made the decision for her to start the mini pill as it gets taken without a break so keeps her hormones much more level. That has done wonders for her.

Thanks for all of the advice, I really appreciate it. I will look into implementing some of the suggestions.

OP and others I sympathise much of this sounds very much like my 15 year old DD except I wake her up about 10am/but now next door are doing an extension so she is getting woke up at 8.30 and coming downstairs with a face like thunder. She has pulled her hair out in the past and think she still does and last week she did a black bruise on her chin. Goodness knows what else she has done. She goes around in hoodies and jeans however hot it is and a big dressing gown in the house.
She is not easy to be around she has 0 conversation and trying to get a conversation going even using open questions is like getting blood out of a stone. She tells lies about silly things (throwing empty crisp packet behind the sofa, eating all the chocolate biscuits etc), saying she has cleaned her teeth/washed her hands, tidied her bedroom, fed the dog etc when she clearly hasn’t. She is rude to me, nasty to me, mimics me, closes her eyes, rolls her eyes and snaps at me (90% of the time).
She spends 90% of time day/night in her bedroom (which is a complete pig sty) on her own its a struggle to get her to come down or go out with us.
I/we have been wondering about autism she has dyslexia and is extremely quiet and withdrawn, she was bullied in year 7 and before lock down she had a small group of quiet, less popular/less mainstream friends. Since lockdown she only really seems to communicate with one particular best friend (they have only met up twice since lock down).
Yesterday she came home with a rainbow lace in one trainer (so we are thinking is she gay). She said her lace snapped so she replaced it. It was a lie because DH found the other lace today.
She is behind with her schoolwork and I think feeling a bit depressed overwhelmed with it but says she is not as behind as all the teachers say she is.
She seems to sometimes tolerate DH but she seems to project a lot of anger and hatred onto me but she won’t talk about it.
I try and ignore some of her behaviours, sometimes we talk to her about her behaviour (but she doesn’t listen), sometimes we tell her off.
Its so difficult I tell her I love and care for her and ask if she wants to talk about anything at all I am here but she just looks at me with hatred, like I am mad and or accuses me of not loving her (which we have also discussed).

How are you and your DD doing OP. Sorry to hi jack your post again but my DD has gone back to school today for half a day. DH decided to gut her bedroom between meetings (we are both WFH) and he found a crumpled up piece of paper in DD’s writing. She was writing lines in coloured highlighter. Saying ‘X (her best friends name) please love me and care for me on one side’ and on the other side it said ‘X please be my girlfriend and care’. We have put it back and don’t intend saying anything about it. I really just want her to be happy and would hope she could confide in me but that isn’t going to happen in the current frosty climate with her where she hates me and thinks everything is my fault. I don’t know whether DD is confused about her sexuality, they are both confused and just like each others company or whether it is one sided on DD’s part. It sounds like they are friends but DD is maybe wanting more.
Can anyone offer any advice please?