Negotiating the parental relationship as a young teen becomes a mid teen

[AllIMissNowIsTheSea]

I have an "easy" 15 year old DD. She's lovely, I'm really lucky. Obviously she can be a bit stroppy and push boundaries sometimes and uses her phone too much, but overall she's helpful, well behaved, studies an appropriate amount and gets work done, has a few nice friends, has interesting opinions, is becoming increasingly self sufficient, all as it should be and nothing to complain about.

The problem is me, in terms of new roles and finding balance I think. It's never really been an issue til now.

Lockdown has exacerbated things due to her not going out to school and us being home more.

Since lock down in the holidays and weekends we've removed her bedtime - this means she stays up until we go to bed.

She's taken over the kitchen somewhat and it's the only place I have to work - she likes to bake as a hobby, almost every day, and likes to cook - she has become a vegetarian and cooks herself quite fancy lunches every day. This is all great and fine, I should be happy!

Only I'm finding it really hard as I no longer have any space from her whatsoever, yet she's being helpful. I'm finding myself thinking that she has her own bedroom and I don't have a room of my own so I'd like peace to work in the kitchen except for kids obviously getting themselves a sandwich/ drink/ fruit or whatever (no spare room, married to her dad so obviously my room is "our" room and has no space for a desk).

If I go to the supermarket she asks to come and sit in the car while I shop. I know she's a bit bored and wants to get out. She's lovely and makes interesting conversation. She needs space from her siblings other than just her own room. I understand but I am never alone and I need to be!

She's jumping in and cooking vegetarian dinners while I'm still working - on the one hand this is absolutely lovely and I know I'm lucky. On the other this makes it impossible for me to ensure there are a balance of meals to suit everyone in the family, and her younger siblings no longer get meals they like. Today her 12 year old brother offered to cook so he could make pizzas and she got very cross as she'd planned a meal.

She is a good kid and I'm proud of her and lucky to have her, lucky she'S developing into a responsible person who pulls her weight, but I'm struggling psychologically because she is trying to step into a third arent role I think, and she is not a 3rd adult, she's a 15 year old teenager.

Obviously I can talk to her about overstepping with her siblings, and do although she either says she feels bad and gets all sad, or she feels unfairly treated. Typical teen stuff I guess.

What I don't feel I can talk about is needing space.

I am not very good at living with other adults, other than DH, and this worries me for the future.

Is this a common theme?

Does anyone else have an "easy" teen but struggle with them being ever present during lockdown and once they no longer have a weekend bedtime?

Does anyone else's teen never hide away in their room?

I think the problem is me struggling with this phase of growing up. I've always relished her increasing independence until recently. She was an incredibly cute toddler but I've always said I'm nothing but happy to see her grow up and become her own person. I think this is the phase I'm struggling with though! Lockdown and her going to bed later makes it worse.

Any words of wisdom? Please?

Has she a desk in her room you could work at. Or the sitting room

She has a desk in her room, but her room is hers, I wouldn't invade her space. She does her home schooling at her desk, but nips in and out to cook or have breaks and it only takes a couple of hours maximum, and nothing at the weekends or in the holidays.

Really I think the problem is me adjusting to living with a semi-adult, not really her! She's not doing anything wrong, I just really, really struggle with never ever being alone. Although toddlers are harder in that they need you constantly and you certainly can't work while looking after them, they are a different kind of presence and I didn't feel I was never alone when I had toddlers somehow. Pre teen post toddler children are great as they both need less supervision to stay alive and don't feel like a hovering adult presence.

Having a mid teen is like always having another adult in the room/ likely to enter the room at any moment.

No words of wisdom although you could sit down and have a chat with her re the meals e.g. its great you want to cook but your siblings want X. How shall we organise it so there's a fair balance. Its all discussion and compromise. But what I really want to say too is gosh how lucky you are-she sounds amazing and I wouldn't want to quash any of what she is doing. I would love a dd who wants to be with me, is helpful and talks!! Be careful not to alter that

I understand you need your space and this lockdown is putting a strain on everyone’s relationships. I think it’s the exceptional circumstances making things seem a whole lot worse and it won’t be like this forever.

Can you not work in your room and say you need to concentrate so need to be alone?

Tbh your dd sounds lovely and I would give anything for that to be the case in my house. Mine was a bloody nightmare at that age for all sorts of reasons and is still difficult in early twenties. I’m a bit jealous.

Honestly just try and enjoy or at least tolerate it while it lasts because things will be a whole lot different in a few short years. And don’t feel guilty.

No real advice, but I hear you! You've articulated a lot of things I feel about personal space/changing boundaries as kids grow up. My eldest DD is 13, but a great many of the things you've written - cooking/company/bedtimes/generally lovely but ever-present - apply to her too.
We're lucky enough to have a large enough house that I still have my own space to work (though I've had to hand over the nice 'office' to DH as he does a lot of work calls). But I am struggling with the lack of bedtimes/lack of adult evening time. And it makes me short tempered, which is rubbish for everybody.
I hope someone else comes along and offers you some good advice. All I really have to offer is an acknowledgement that while there will be people reading this who (understandably) would love to have the type of problem you describe, it's still a problem! Also, I'm sure it will all get easier as we come out of this period and life becomes more outward-facing and normal.

I could have written your post. I feel everything you write.

My daughter is 14. She’s beautiful, inside and out. She’s an utter delight and I’m so proud. BUT, she too insists on having a big say in the shopping we buy (food shop) and she cooks all her own meals as loves to experiment. She often cooks for us all too. She loves cooking. It’s her hobby too. And spends time looking online for recipes, then bringing them to life in our kitchen. It’s wonderful. Don’t get me wrong. I couldn’t ask for more. But I get almost jealous sometimes. I feel she’s stepping into my shoes!! She’s so capable too!! How can I feel like this. I’m beyond proud of the wonderful intelligent young woman she’s become.

I think this “new normal” is really hard on every one. The problem is 15 year olds should not be stuck with their families (mothers), but at the moment they have little choice but to spend a lot of time at home.

I go to work, not work from home, so
It’s easier for me, but I work 6 days a week from 8 - 5 and I get home and my 15 year old Dd says, hurray what shall we do?, cook?, watch?. And I try to do something with her because I know she is bored out of her mind being home all day. But I am tired and just want a rest after work.

She wants to stay up until midnight most nights chatting, because she hasn’t used enough energy, and isn’t tired, and it’s not the same talking to friends on social media as it is actually having them with you.

She wants to do things like face masks and painting nails etc all things she should be doing with her friends and I am a poor substitute, but I try because I think this is a terrible time to be a teenager.

It’s really hard but I hope that when she is an adult she will have at least some nice memories of us doing nice things together as well as the memories of how difficult and boring lockdown was.

Could this be a good moment to talk to your DD about personal boundaries?

Talk to her about what boundaries are in a general way, and why they're extra-important while everyone's at home together, and then ask her to think of some examples of how you and your family could put some helpful boundaries in place and take care of everyone's mental health?

Privacy, time, physical space, choices and decision-making... they all have significance here.

You might also have a conversation about introverts and extroverts and where they get their energy....

I know what you mean. You need your own space too and she’s relying on you to fulfill all her needs. Lockdown has made this worse I’m sure it will improve. She sounds lovely.

I think we are in exceptional times so normally you'd be fine with a teen wanting to talk to you whenever or go to the shops or cook but at the moment your home is your workplace too - and everyone is there nearly all the time.

Why not sit down and talk to her about your workload and also the use of the kitchen. Explain your office is now the kitchen - you wish it wasn't but there it is - and could you agree a schedule when you will have peace and quiet in it except for 2 minute interuptions to get a cup of tea or a sandwich or whatever.

Then sit and talk to her about dinners - maybe she gets 2 days a week to cook for everyone, you/dh get 2 days, 1 is for anyone else and 2 (weekend) are for whoever really wants to cook/takeout.

She really sounds lovely but I know what you mean. Tbh I struggle with chatting all the time with my older teen daughters - I used to love the conversations on the phone from university - because they were talking so much to their friends in person. Now I am in person and their friends are on the phone and I feel I am getting a LOT of adult/teen angst/opinions/ruminations that I sometimes could do without.

Oh god it’s hard @pallisisers isn’t it? I have one home from uni(19) and one 16. I dread the latest drama/worry. They’re so engrossed in themselves, it’s very draining at times.

I sympathise - it’s been hard everyone being in the house together. My DD is lovely too but keeps wanting to talk to me about her computer games and it’s hard to get interested...she really needs to see some friends.

Could you go out for a walk on your own to get some head space? I took up jogging, I hate jogging really, but I found I enjoyed an excuse to be by myself for 40 minutes, listen to my own music, not have to talk to anyone!

@lilgreen

Oh god it’s hard *@pallisisers* isn’t it? I have one home from uni(19) and one 16. I dread the latest drama/worry. They’re so engrossed in themselves, it’s very draining at times.

Seriously! And I am in the US so I get a whole lot of political stuff 24/7. I agree with it all and don' blame them for being upset - but I am upset myself and don't necessarily want to hear it all the time.

I hope @AllIMissNowIsTheSea is taking advantage of Eat Out to Help Out and taking her laptop to a cafe shop for a few hours Mon-Wed to work in peace and get some time alone. If DD (who I agree sounds fab) wants to come, it's fine to say "no, I need to work and space to think"

The other thing is that I would love to go out just with DH but we feel bad as he’s been at work the whole time, I was working at school until summer holidays do we try to include the youngest at least but god we need a break. The dog is getting it’s hind legs walked off! Good to share with you all.

Can you create some protected space by
Going for a walk each day alone
Protecting kitchen time on your working days say 10-12 and 1-4 when interruptions are not allowed.
Draw up a meal plan each week as a family to discuss menus and who is cooking when.
My dd meets up with her friends in RL outdoors a few times a week now.

I find this a bit sad. In a year or 2 she will get a boyfriend and you will barely see her. Then she'll be off to uni and into her own life and you'll only see her on high days and holidays.

Could you set up some working space in your bedroom?
Also, where does her dad / your partner feature in all this? Is he out all day? Could he help facilitate some alone time for you?

@Sunshinelater it’s not sad, it’s reality. I don’t think it helps to guilt trip someone, op has said she feels bad, that her DD is wonderful , but she’s only human and we all need a break.

Also kids don’t automatically get a boyfriend and disappear. My DD is 19 and hasn’t had a serious boyfriend.

Honestly not trying to guilt trip but just to give a different perspective. In the next few years she will become more distant and independent and then OP might miss her and long for her company.

Mine are younger but it's a strategy I use when the baby is whining and clinging - I think, no one will ever love me this deeply and desperately again that they will crawl on their knees to me, wailing for me. So I scoop her up and kiss her chubby cheeks. When the older one wakes me up AGAIN I say to myself, soon she won't want to get in bed with me, so I hold her close and inhale the scent of her curls. It just helps me to try to appreciate what is lovely and beautiful about each stage and moment. Sometimes it helps to reframe things.

I do get that but really, the teenage years can be very tough at times. Make the most of those years while you can!

Honestly someone who cooks and converses, as well as wiping her own bottom sounds like heaven right now 😆

That’s what I thought when mine were little but those really were the best times. When I was in control, could put them to bed etc.

I could have written your post!

I have exactly the same scenario here, I have two dds - both teens and they are so lovely, enjoy baking, listening to music, hanging out and studying - hardly ever argue and are wonderful to have around most of the time BUT I am craving silence. I am craving no one speaking to me, or asking for anything or even breathing. I am so sick of everyone that i feel like I am the one spoiling things.

I definitely like my own space. I like a tidy and clean kitchen. I like to hear nothing sometimes, and just be by myself, so I feel a sense of rising claustrophobia when I am endlessly surrounded by people - even those that I love dearly. I am severely lacking in headspace. If were more horrible I would have a good excuse to make them go out - but as they are so helpful and nice I have to just bite back my need to scream for some peace. I don't have the answers but I have introduced:

Drives out in the country for headspace
Shopping (no dc waiting in the cars like the old days of lockdown) I go on my own now and take food requests by text!
Asking them to see friends much more often 3-4 times a week - takes the pressure off to keep conversing
We watch our own programmes a few times a week in peace without dc so we can decompress
Asked them to work on some new hobbies, a run, dog walk once a day minimum
I am seeing a lot more of my own friends for some adult conversation.

On some level we have just had to accept this is the way it is for a few more weeks, and then they will be back in school with their friends and it will get easier. We may even look back on this as a good memory possibly!!