What do I do?

[ColumboOnTheCase]

I have a DS14 I usually let him on the PS4 only on the weekends and his phone til about 9.30-10pm every day. This seemed to work quite well for us as he had homework and clubs during the week to keep him busy.

Since lockdown however as long as his school work is complete I have let him play from 4-8pm every day and until 9.30pm weekends sometimes a little more if he asks.

My DS is unable to self regulate when it comes to gaming, his whole demeanour changes when he is on too much, agitated and unreasonable but ok when I restrict his gaming time. In the past I have caught him sneaking downstairs on more than one occasion to play. Therefore I have to keep his phone and controllers in my bedroom overnight, I have also caught him with the laptop and tablet in his room at night. Recently I caught him sneaking downstairs the only tech left is the smart tv, so I’m assuming he watches YouTube or something He snuck downstairs at 1.30am and when I caught him he was trying to sneak downstairs again at 2.30am the same night. If you have managed to read this to the end How would you deal with this?

Me? He wouldn’t have any access to any tech the following day. If he can’t be trusted then he’s not mature enough to use it.

Just one day? I don’t think that would bother him though.

Well what would bother him?? It’s up to you to decide the boundaries and what consequences to put in place.
If he can’t manage one night without tech then 24 hours may be enough of a punishment. Then twice as long if he does it again.

I'd unplug the router and take it to bed with me.

But also ask if something is bothering him - is he waking in the middle of the night, can't get back to sleep, and goes to watch TV/youtube to try to help? Or is he struggling to get to sleep in the first place? Is there something other than tech that would help?

Have you explained why you restrict tech? Can he see how his behaviour changes?

Watching with interest....lost the plot with my 14yo DD at 02.05 having already been up to her at 00.30 & asking her to go to sleep. She had been on the computer in her room, (supposedly watching Netflix). We have always had all tech downstairs from 21.30. Since Lockdown we have relaxed. Obv they've had to do schoolwork so this old computer was wheeled out & she was given it in her room. I knew she watched Netflix & Disney Plus on occasion, but she asked permission at the weekends & I have allowed her. Seems now it's becoming the 'norm'. She has also taken an old iphone & been Facetiming boys at 02.00 & 04.30...that's a whole other thread. Now I realise she has prob been using the big computer to contact ppl too. Not sure-my DH didn't think she could but I'm doubting that. She's v savvy with tech. Her excuse/reasoning? We're too strict & all her friends are allowed all their tech at night & seem to be nocturnal. Have just had a chat with her & 12yo DD & have told them it's back to school bedtime & get up time from Mon. No more wandering about at 23.30, which is both of them, nightly right now. Have taken all ipads/iphones & laptops away for today & intend to lay down very clear rules which will begin ASAP. I find it v diff to find the middle ground, so am watching for ideas. DH works away on & off & these things always seem to fall to me to sort.

That’s the problem I have been down this road so many times now. I am so disappointed in him I guess I’ll let him have his phone back but the PS4 is banned indefinitely.

I would take a different tact and allow hi to self regulate and take the consequences I he can't. I've had to really let go with my recently. (Working dull time, ill dh and unwell grandparents. I just don't gave the strength.

Excuse typos, phone got wet in the rain and now some keys won't work

I have actually considered taking the router with me but I am up very early at the moment to wfh and need to be online. I have two other DC and am trying to juggling working and home learning. If I have to set up the router etc every morning I’ll be even more stressed.

Benzer I’m kind of glad I’m not the only one because when I see posts on here people are saying their DC’s phones and tech is kept downstairs every night. But my DS keeps sneaking downstairs.......

Let him set up the router for you each morning?

It’s long as he’s getting his school work done, does it really matter? Teens generally stay awake late and sleep later. It’s not like there’s a huge amount for them to do at the moment. As long as he’s being quiet and not waking the whole house, is just let him get on with it.

To be frank as long as he's doing his school work, I wouldn't be bothering about him staying up late or gaming or whatever.

As long as he's getting his work done, he'll be ahead of many of his classmates, which will do him a lot of good when he goes back. Who cares what time he gets up or goes to bed?

Up in middle of night is standard for teens... mine often go on ssg roll raids around 1am. tbh, if they get rest of their lives done in reasonable ways then I am not going to try to control their waking hours.

I think circumstances are so odd atm that it's whatever gets you through.

Have you talked to him about why he does it and how it effects him? Is he gaming alone or with others? DS1 (19yo and working shifts) often plays in the early hours with people in US, as that's when they're online.

Does he have anything else to do? I've been worried about DS2 being on the PC too much but I couldn't really offer him an alternative. I've just found a diagram of how to make a wooden planting trough and suggested he could make it for me from the wood from his climbing frame, that was dismantled last summer. To my surprise, he was enthusiastic and set straight to it. It's been measured up and the wood had been scrubbed and is now drying in the sun. It's lovely to see him interested and engaged, I 'd forgotten what that looks like!

He's 14, his life has been turned upside down by covid, I would cut him some slack. Let him get it out of his system by not limiting him, my dd was like hi but after 4 weeks in the summer holidays even she had enough. School work comes first and if he's too tired to do it, or doesn't help around the house then confiscate phone, controllers and change the WiFi password if need be but he needs to learn to self regulate and he can only do that by overdoing it and learning the hard way in my experience, otherwise he'll be an adult who doesn't know how to stop and you won't be able to stop him

Thank you for your responses I will take everything on board. The self regulating thing makes total sense to me. I get there is not much to do. At the moment he will roll out of bed after midday eat lunch do his school work, on the PS4, then on his phone, then watch tv, sometimes with me. I don’t really police anything else apart from the gaming as I see a difference in his behaviour and I have been pretty lenient with that since lockdown. I just don’t want him online at silly o’clock and although there are safety locks in place he is tech savvy, it frightens me what is online.

If he’s staying in bed until after noon he won’t be able to go to sleep at a normal time. I would be waking him up before that.

Not normal times for any of us
Get him up at 10.30 each day to do school 11 to 2
Then free time after that
In a way you are lucky he Is in the house it's more worrying when they go out and they drinking in parks etc.
He will fall asleep earlier if he up earlier so get him in to a wee routine when school finishes at end June give him s little job like making lunch wash car Hoover to gain his own time from after 2.

I totally empathise, we have 14 yo ds and also have to take everything to bed with us as he has snuck down before, it’s exhausting! However he wakes early each day (5.30/6am) no matter when goes to bed so he needs his sleep at night. He can go on after school work in the week until 6.30 then until 9.30 at the weekend. Lots of battles but, like you, we have removed the Xbox for a time etc. I would love him to self regulate but foresee he would be up late, wake early and be a grumpy nightmare in the daytime! 😱 We get out on bikes/walks/park every day, that helps. Good luck!